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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you’d think this if fair given he does next to no parenting?

34 replies

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:18

Ex dp sees dd most weekends from around 11am to 7pm Sunday. We often do things together (we are working on perhaps reconciling). Dd is 2. He stays over as he currently lives quite far for work purposes. I do everything for dd in the week as well as working full time.

Ex earns around 40k more than me although I am on a decent salary too. He pays me 1k a month which covers nursery and all food. I buy nappies and wipes. He will get her extras like clothes or toys too.

I feel incredibly resentful that everything is left to me to do. I know it is obviously lovely I get to be there for all of Dd’s week and I don’t resent that as such, but I find it very hard doing it all. Ex thinks the amount of money he gives represents his acknowledgment and appreciation that I am doing so much. Do you agree? Am I being unfair to feel resentful? There’s not much I can do about it anyway as his work has always been on short contracts and he’s moved around. But I hate that I feel so badly treated and not even sure if I’m justified in feeling that way.

OP posts:
Coali · 12/04/2025 08:21

Why would you reconcile with someone who does no parenting. What do you think would change if you got back together?

CopperWhite · 12/04/2025 08:24

What would you like him to do to make you feel less resentful?

Is he good with your dd when he’s around?

Original poster
Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

Coali · 12/04/2025 08:21

Why would you reconcile with someone who does no parenting. What do you think would change if you got back together?

@Coali he can’t do it as he’s so far away in the week. He is around every weekend and does his fair share then

OP posts:
Original poster
Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

CopperWhite · 12/04/2025 08:24

What would you like him to do to make you feel less resentful?

Is he good with your dd when he’s around?

@CopperWhite yes he is very good. I think I just can’t help feeling put upon. I don’t think the money makes up for the stress I have and juggling with work

OP posts:
Swampdonkey123 · 12/04/2025 08:25

So he's effectively paying you, as if you were a full time nanny, rather than valuing your contribution as the other parent to your DC. I think you need a pay rise, and to give up on trying to reconcile with someone who thinks he can throw money at the situation rather than taking any actual responsibility.

Eelqueen · 12/04/2025 08:25

Baffling you’re thinking about reconciling

and why do you want to force your child on someone who is happy with a few hours a week

Stick with the split, formalise, go through CMS

get an arrangement in place re division with DD

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/04/2025 08:25

Presumably the job isn't new news...

Would he more closer?
Would you move to him?

It sounds like you are delaying the inevitable and he gets to play happy families at the weekend and do what he wants in the week.

Stop doing things together and having him at your house for his contact time
I bet you are doing 90% half the parenting in his contact time.

Eelqueen · 12/04/2025 08:26

Why did you split in the first place?

do you work full time?

piscesangel · 12/04/2025 08:26

Sounds like he’s only around on Sunday and gets every Saturday off? Surely a start would be to alternate Saturdays so you sometimes get a break (which you don’t seem to be getting at all at the minute)

arcticpandas · 12/04/2025 08:27

Well first of all you go to CMS to calculate how much you would get by passing throught them. Now you are doing 100% of childcare because he only visits one day. Then you tell him to pay that amount or you will have to pass formally with CMS.

Stripeyanddotty · 12/04/2025 08:27

He stays over as he currently lives quite far for work purpose

Do you have sex when he stays over?

11Turtle · 12/04/2025 08:28

I wouldn’t consider reconciling here, you are doing more than enough. I’ve been through similar. He needs to do more honestly. I think you are over extending yourself to be real. I’d pull back. It’s not fair to you to be doing so much. You can’t pick up his slack. Unfortunately you have to let it be how it will be.

Calamitousness · 12/04/2025 08:29

I think you’re being a parent. He’s not. It’s not about whether it’s fair or not. You are a parent and that’s it. If you want him to have your daughter and care for her solely so you have time on your own then he needs to pay you less so he can afford to pay for your child while he has her. If you want the same money every month then you stay full time parent.

Eelqueen · 12/04/2025 08:30

He stays over?

so where does 11am-7pm fit?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 12/04/2025 08:30

If you go through CMS you may get less than you currently get.

Daisyvodka · 12/04/2025 08:30

I'm not sure how attracted I would be to someone who has basically shrugged their shoulders and gone 'I'm going to miss out on my child's life because of work, that's just how it is'. You only get one shot at raising a child and some industries just aren't compatible, but given that she's nearly two, he's had plenty of time to figure out how he's actually going to see his child grow up and hasn't, so I can only conclude he's not actually that bothered about doing so. Plenty of people out there use 'im providing financially for my child' as an excuse and then wonder why they dont have a real relationship with said child. A 2 year old will love him no matter what, a 22 year old might have a different view on a largely absent father. Unless you are about to tell me he's planning on quitting this type of setup in a year, in which case apologies.

Eelqueen · 12/04/2025 08:31

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

@Coali he can’t do it as he’s so far away in the week. He is around every weekend and does his fair share then

Show quote history

Has he always worked away like this?

when you split… did he more closer to his place of work?

Itssofunny · 12/04/2025 08:31

You say you have a good salary yourself, so I'm assuming you can afford to support your DD by yourself. In that situation, I can imagine that what would really be valuable to you is emotional and practical support, not just some extra money every week.

Your ex is giving you money, but you don't need that from him. What would really lighten your load would be him doing hands on childcare. Though of course, he should be offering both - he is morally just as responsible for your DD as you are.

I suspect he knows that, but just in case it might be worth calmly explaining your point of view. If he still doesn't get it then clearly he's one of those people who expect the mum to do all the daily grind. In which case, why on earth would you want to reconcile?

Wishing you the best.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 12/04/2025 08:31

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

@CopperWhite yes he is very good. I think I just can’t help feeling put upon. I don’t think the money makes up for the stress I have and juggling with work

Show quote history

Given all that you have said, what is the solution?

You had a baby that was a man that works away. How did you expect this to pan out whether you were together or not?

If you are so resentful of him now, why on earth are you contemplating getting back together???

Eelqueen · 12/04/2025 08:34

SpringIsSpringing25 · 12/04/2025 08:31

Given all that you have said, what is the solution?

You had a baby that was a man that works away. How did you expect this to pan out whether you were together or not?

If you are so resentful of him now, why on earth are you contemplating getting back together???

Show quote history

This

I don’t get it

ASimpleLampoon · 12/04/2025 08:39

Don't reconcile and draw some boundaries. He can sort out accommodation or have her overnights.

CautiousLurker01 · 12/04/2025 08:44

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

@Coali he can’t do it as he’s so far away in the week. He is around every weekend and does his fair share then

Show quote history

If this is the way his work is, and always has been - ie you knew this when you fell pregnant and chose to proceed with the pregnancy - then I think you need to bench your resentment. It’s a bit like women who complain that their husbands work on rigs or are in the army and away all the time leaving them to run a home alone. This is part of who he is and you chose to bring a child into the world with him knowing his work set up. He does his fair share when he is home - what else can he do?

SoScarletItWas · 12/04/2025 08:49

So he comes to the house that you and DD live in around 11am Saturday, stays over, and leaves about 7pm Sunday???

How much actual 121 parenting does he do in his little weekend mini-break?

toomuchfaff · 12/04/2025 09:00

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

@Coali he can’t do it as he’s so far away in the week. He is around every weekend and does his fair share then

Show quote history

His fair share?

Unless he is having the child 100% as if you weren't there, nothing comes near a "fair share". Dont kid yourself

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 12/04/2025 09:02

Halllak · 12/04/2025 08:24

@CopperWhite yes he is very good. I think I just can’t help feeling put upon. I don’t think the money makes up for the stress I have and juggling with work

Show quote history

So what would be different if you reconcile? Presume he'd still be away for work and you'd do everything through the week?

I don't necessarily think it's right that he isn't part of the day to day, but if he works away, then whether you're together or not, the bulk of the parenting will fall to you. So you need to work on how you feel about that before working on reconciliation....

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