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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at husband

44 replies

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 19:59

So we are abroad visiting DH family. I don’t really know anyone here and have no friends but get on well with the in-laws. Whenever we come however, I feel that DH becomes more distant and doesn’t prioritise spending any time with me.

We have a 5year old and a 5 month old and we talked about getting a date night in whilst here and we have family help but that has not happened and no mention of it from DH. I have spent the last week alone in our room with the baby every night while DH has spent time with family or friends. It’s been lonely and I have felt resentful at times because it doesn’t feel like much of a break for me.

Last night he said he was going for a quick drink with friends and 5 hours later came home at nearly midnight leaving me alone with in-laws and both kids. He did message to say he’ll be a bit later than he thought but then my messages wouldn’t go through. I was pissed off when he got home and he said he feels like he can’t even go out. That I am being selfish for not letting him have one night out. I just felt jealous I suppose and left out. He also said he doesn’t see an issue with not being accessible and that none of his friends were messaging their wives. We are not speaking now and still have a couple days left here.

I don’t know if I had a right to have a go at him but at the same time I deserve some fun too and not knowing anyone means he is my only friend.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 11/04/2025 20:11

He’s taking the piss who decided that he was a carefree single man? Kids are for life I don’t blame you for being mad at him have in-laws not offered to mind dc whilst you go meet his friends you should tell him he might feel like it’s a holiday but he’s still a father and pull his weight if he doesn’t this time in future don’t go with him let him take dc and he can ask his parents for childcare how selfish of him and them not saying that he’s bloody rude.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 11/04/2025 20:12

Why can't you put the baby in a buggy and stay out later?
Or hand dc over to ils and go out with him.

BakelikeBertha · 11/04/2025 20:15

It sounds to me like he thinks its HIS holiday, so he can do whatever he wants, spend time with his family, catch up with friends, and you should just suck it up OP.

Why have you spent the evenings alone in your room with baby all week? Is there any reason why, if you're staying with his family they won't babysit for you? Or have you just assumed that it should be him who asks, as they're his family. If that's the case, then don't wait for him to ask, ask them yourself, and then tell him that MIL or SIL or whoever, has agreed to babysit while we go out together tonight.

I do think that you need to make it clear to him that you want to spend time with him in the evenings, and that this is a FAMILY holiday, where he gets the chance to catch up with his family, but that he doesn't get to leave you alone to take care of your JOINT children, while he goes out with his mates. When he went out, why did you shut yourself away with baby, instead of going and spending time with his family?

As for his mates not messaging their wives, he's forgetting that while HE is on holiday, his mates live there, and so their wives are probably used to being left alone for the lads nights out, and probably invite their girlfriends round for a girls night. Whereas he just cleared off out, leaving you on your own with HIS family.

I do think it's likely that you've sat and allowed things to fester a little, rather than using your words to tell him what YOU want out of the holiday though, so make the most of the last couple of days, and get out together as one BIG family, which is surely why you went there in the first place.

PinkyFlamingo · 11/04/2025 20:16

Why hasn't "date night" happened?

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:19

Pessismistic · 11/04/2025 20:11

He’s taking the piss who decided that he was a carefree single man? Kids are for life I don’t blame you for being mad at him have in-laws not offered to mind dc whilst you go meet his friends you should tell him he might feel like it’s a holiday but he’s still a father and pull his weight if he doesn’t this time in future don’t go with him let him take dc and he can ask his parents for childcare how selfish of him and them not saying that he’s bloody rude.

Erugh I know, tbh I am too mad to even speak to him so today left him with the baby and went out with his sister and our girls. No no-one has offered to mind the kids and tbh I don’t feel comfortable asking would prefer he ask as its his family but ofc he probably won’t

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:20

Visiting the ILs isn’t a holiday for anyone, there is no sense trying to make it into one.

I would suggest that you ensure you have a proper holiday planned.

Generally what worked for us was to visit our families every 4yrs or so, but make sure we always get 1 holiday a year that was just us.

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:21

Eggsboxedandmelting · 11/04/2025 20:12

Why can't you put the baby in a buggy and stay out later?
Or hand dc over to ils and go out with him.

Not really sure why not, we have only done one day out just us four the rest of the time its been with his family or he has caught up with friends. No one has offered to watch the kids for us.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 11/04/2025 20:21

How often does he see his family? I can understand why he wants to catch up with them,but some of the time he should include you if in laws wouldn't mind looking after your dc

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:23

LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:20

Visiting the ILs isn’t a holiday for anyone, there is no sense trying to make it into one.

I would suggest that you ensure you have a proper holiday planned.

Generally what worked for us was to visit our families every 4yrs or so, but make sure we always get 1 holiday a year that was just us.

We do have family holidays where its just us. We usually visit 2x a year but every time it feels like i am just tagging along. Which I am in a way but I thought after nearly 9 years married it would be different now :/

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/04/2025 20:23

Hi OP My husband isn't British and I am in the same situation when we visit his family abroad. I voted yabu assuming you only visit once or twice a year. If that's the case then when he us going home, no matter how good a husband he is the rest of the time no you aren't going to be his priority in the one time a year he gets to catch up with friends / family. It's just how it is and one of the shit things about having kids with someone who lives abroad (that no one will understand as they will all say you're so lucky to have a free holiday in x place)

Yea it's shit. But in this situation I'd flip it round and, if we had one week a year with my family and a chance to catch up with friends and my husband was moaning about me not prioritising him or the kids, in the small space of time that I had for me, I wouldn't be impressed

I have started getting him to go without me, or getting him to go with the kids without me, or getting the inlaws to visit me, and arranging my own stuff. As I don't think it's fair on anyone to all visit my husbands home (nothing for kids to do, nothing to walk to etc)

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:25

RedHelenB · 11/04/2025 20:21

How often does he see his family? I can understand why he wants to catch up with them,but some of the time he should include you if in laws wouldn't mind looking after your dc

Usually twice a year. I wish he would just initiate one night, we have been here for 10 days and staying 12 days so surely one night is not too much to ask. I feel like he doesn’t get it.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:26

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:23

We do have family holidays where its just us. We usually visit 2x a year but every time it feels like i am just tagging along. Which I am in a way but I thought after nearly 9 years married it would be different now :/

I always feel I am tagging along and we’re at over 30yrs!
2x a year seems excessive imho. Maybe if he did one of the visits solo, an agreement would be to include you more for the other visit?
No one offered to watch our DC either, but when everyone else was having DC that meant I could not offer and no feel guilty either!

MikeRafone · 11/04/2025 20:27

When you go home and visit family, that’s when you get to be a couple as family babysit.

sounds like your husband and his family didn’t get the memo - I’d tell him to sort out the memo or next time he comes alone - what’s the point

LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:29

When you go home and visit family, that’s when you get to be a couple as family babysit.

That’s not the case in many many families.

LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2025 20:30

Tbh I wouldn't spend 12 days there twice a year to be ignored. Next time refuse to go. Let him deal with the kids - he'll soon figure out it isn't easy.

MikeRafone · 11/04/2025 20:30

LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:29

When you go home and visit family, that’s when you get to be a couple as family babysit.

That’s not the case in many many families.

Clearly, it needs sorting or you don’t go

Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:31

BakelikeBertha · 11/04/2025 20:15

It sounds to me like he thinks its HIS holiday, so he can do whatever he wants, spend time with his family, catch up with friends, and you should just suck it up OP.

Why have you spent the evenings alone in your room with baby all week? Is there any reason why, if you're staying with his family they won't babysit for you? Or have you just assumed that it should be him who asks, as they're his family. If that's the case, then don't wait for him to ask, ask them yourself, and then tell him that MIL or SIL or whoever, has agreed to babysit while we go out together tonight.

I do think that you need to make it clear to him that you want to spend time with him in the evenings, and that this is a FAMILY holiday, where he gets the chance to catch up with his family, but that he doesn't get to leave you alone to take care of your JOINT children, while he goes out with his mates. When he went out, why did you shut yourself away with baby, instead of going and spending time with his family?

As for his mates not messaging their wives, he's forgetting that while HE is on holiday, his mates live there, and so their wives are probably used to being left alone for the lads nights out, and probably invite their girlfriends round for a girls night. Whereas he just cleared off out, leaving you on your own with HIS family.

I do think it's likely that you've sat and allowed things to fester a little, rather than using your words to tell him what YOU want out of the holiday though, so make the most of the last couple of days, and get out together as one BIG family, which is surely why you went there in the first place.

Baby hasn’t settled well, probably change of place and routine and then he got ill so it was me taking care of him and getting him to settle. Last night he slept well for the first time but ofc hubby was on a bender.

i hate being the naggy wife but at the same time exactly what you said, all his mates wives have their own lives here and don’t care whereas I only have him and I have had a really crap time PP after this baby and he knows it and said i’d be getting a break but nope. Soon as we got here feels like he just abandons all and sets free. I get it he works hard back home and hardly goes out and hasn’t made friends but that was his choice.

I guess I just want to feel as carefree as he does.

OP posts:
Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:32

MikeRafone · 11/04/2025 20:27

When you go home and visit family, that’s when you get to be a couple as family babysit.

sounds like your husband and his family didn’t get the memo - I’d tell him to sort out the memo or next time he comes alone - what’s the point

I said this and he answered me with “don’t come, no one is forcing you to”

OP posts:
Daydreamer94 · 11/04/2025 20:34

LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2025 20:30

Tbh I wouldn't spend 12 days there twice a year to be ignored. Next time refuse to go. Let him deal with the kids - he'll soon figure out it isn't easy.

Thank you! Highly unlikely we’ll go again this year because of mat pay but yeah I get the sentiment and he has told me not to go as he isn’t “forcing me” apparently. This hurt my feelings as it seems like he doesn’t care if I am a part of his wider family or not.

OP posts:
nomas · 11/04/2025 20:35

Tell him he needs to take care of the baby whilst you chill with in laws.

Stop facilitating him all the time.

ClowningArounds · 11/04/2025 20:37

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/04/2025 20:23

Hi OP My husband isn't British and I am in the same situation when we visit his family abroad. I voted yabu assuming you only visit once or twice a year. If that's the case then when he us going home, no matter how good a husband he is the rest of the time no you aren't going to be his priority in the one time a year he gets to catch up with friends / family. It's just how it is and one of the shit things about having kids with someone who lives abroad (that no one will understand as they will all say you're so lucky to have a free holiday in x place)

Yea it's shit. But in this situation I'd flip it round and, if we had one week a year with my family and a chance to catch up with friends and my husband was moaning about me not prioritising him or the kids, in the small space of time that I had for me, I wouldn't be impressed

I have started getting him to go without me, or getting him to go with the kids without me, or getting the inlaws to visit me, and arranging my own stuff. As I don't think it's fair on anyone to all visit my husbands home (nothing for kids to do, nothing to walk to etc)

I massively disagree with this. I moved abroad to my husband's home country, and we go home to visit my family and friends about twice a year. I would never dream of treating my husband the way that the OPs husband is treating her.
It's true that the holidays might be spent with a goal in mind if seeing lots of friends and family, so they can get hectic which isn't very relaxing. But I would never feel that this takes priority EVERY NIGHT over my OH and very young children. That's just good responsible parenting and partnering, which any mature person should be able to recognise.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 11/04/2025 20:38

I would use the time to plan a trip away with your family /friends when you get back. Doesn't have to be costly.. But you deserve a break too.

Pessismistic · 11/04/2025 22:38

He’s being a selfish prick it’s like you don’t matter is he like this at home.

ItTook9Years · 11/04/2025 22:45

You need to leave the kids with him for a week and go somewhere where you get to have fun and socialise and let your hair down.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 11/04/2025 22:51

Take him at his word, don't go again. You're literally just there to do childcare so his family can see the children and he can have a holiday.

His family will want to see the children again so in future, just send them all off to the airport with a cheerful wave. Remind him what he said this time, "don't come", well OK then, don't.

Enjoy the peace and quiet 😁

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