To be mad at husband

[Daydreamer94]

So we are abroad visiting DH family. I don’t really know anyone here and have no friends but get on well with the in-laws. Whenever we come however, I feel that DH becomes more distant and doesn’t prioritise spending any time with me.

We have a 5year old and a 5 month old and we talked about getting a date night in whilst here and we have family help but that has not happened and no mention of it from DH. I have spent the last week alone in our room with the baby every night while DH has spent time with family or friends. It’s been lonely and I have felt resentful at times because it doesn’t feel like much of a break for me.

Last night he said he was going for a quick drink with friends and 5 hours later came home at nearly midnight leaving me alone with in-laws and both kids. He did message to say he’ll be a bit later than he thought but then my messages wouldn’t go through. I was pissed off when he got home and he said he feels like he can’t even go out. That I am being selfish for not letting him have one night out. I just felt jealous I suppose and left out. He also said he doesn’t see an issue with not being accessible and that none of his friends were messaging their wives. We are not speaking now and still have a couple days left here.

I don’t know if I had a right to have a go at him but at the same time I deserve some fun too and not knowing anyone means he is my only friend.

I'm part of an Anglo - European couple... We're 20 plus years in..

We've changed how we do it... After lots of resentment!

His family are welcoming, but we have zero in common apart from DP- I speak the language well enough but en masse it's a nightmare for my comprehension as they speak in dialect... I have gone 8 hours at weddings and have understood precisely nada. If I'm with his pals I can understand more /join in

This is in no way a holiday!! Now his parents are very elderly - it's even worse... Beginning of dementia, I spent the last visit cleaning. Very rural with limited supoortm

For some years now I only go every other visit. I stay in UK and do my own thing

This makes it more tolerable and I am less resentful as a result!

He's back home visiting friends and family. That's what he's doing. You aren't his priority at that time tbh

Only once did I put up with this. I have refused to visit since and said he can go on his own or take the kids. A pity because I like my in laws and the country but can't stand being treated as an unpaid nanny with no right to any enjoyment.

His kids should be though. He’s acting like he’s got no responsibility Still it’s not nice being left alone with 2 kids why would you think this was ok? She’s the one stuck with his family but she is his family and should be treated as such.

I wouldn't be going back. If he wants the kids to come he can take them. He's had enough chances.

I wouldn’t be going next time, and also before he goes leaving the kids with him and going out a few times. It’s very selfish of him and the end result will be his family don’t know his children. Which is because he reverts to being a selfish child when he goes so you won’t come along any more.

She and the dc are his family and he should have made sure she’s getting more of a break. Because the result is she won’t go and the net result is she is more distanced from him because he’s selfish and his family don’t know his wife and children (& later when a bit older he will have to look after his children on his own if the op doesn’t come- bet he will suddenly amazingly manage to ask his parents to babysit then!)

Do you live near your family?
How often do you see them or your friends? Does he watch the kids so you can go out with your friends?

How are you going to feel if he starts refusing to watch the kids so you can go out or refusing to go to your family events? That's what you're doing to him.

She’s not stopping him doing anything he is stopping her doing anything by being a selfish prick if she sees her family or friends it’s unlikely to be for 12 days straight and leaving her dc with him so he’s trapped. he is basically isolating her and ignoring his responsibilities how some people come here saying you cannot stop him bla bla she is saying she wants to go with him or be involved he is basically ignoring her. Is that acceptable? Ignoring his parental responsibilities because he’s seeing family in another country. I don’t think so.

Yeah this isn't fair. I think a couple nights out would be okay, but not leaving you to look after the kids by yourself all week while he does nothing, that's just selfish. I don't think it should be seen as a holiday as such, but it's exhausting to look after children in an unfamiliar environment and so it's actually just extra work for you.

When my DH and I visit his home town he doesn't prioritise time with me. It doesn't bother me, there's time for that when we're at home, his time there is to catch up with friends and family. Maybe he should have solo trips there and you have holidays together elsewhere.

When we go “home” and catch up with friends these days, it’s often in the afternoon or early evening and everyone’s children are in attendance. None of us are carefree 20-something’s anymore. We are parents with families. Our socializing reflects that.

OP hasn't said that she never sees her friends or family. If she does, it's unlikely to be 12 days straight, but possibly 12 days every 6 months so equivalent. She does say her husband doesn't go out when he's in the UK.

It's not unreasonable for him to see his friends when he goes home. Perhaps it's best that OP doesn't go on any future trips and her husband takes the children with him. His parents/siblings can build their relationships with them and look after them for a couple of nights while he socialises with his friends. OP can have a proper break and time to herself.

But there is a lot of martyrdom in this post too. He said he would get parents to babysit and he hasn't why isn't she saying what plans have you made to take me out and get his to babysit???
Of course he wants to spend time with friends and family while he's there. Wouldn't you? He's excited and probably quite pressured to get around everyone she needs to speak up

To be honest OP, I can't believe how wet you're being, sounds like you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, but not doing anything to improve things. Is there a language problem with your IL's? Is that why you don't feel you can ask them to babysit? If you were having trouble getting the baby to settle, why not take him/her out in the buggy, I've always found that this has helped, and it would solve two problems in one.

Do you let your DH rule the roost about everything at home, or is it just on holiday?

Next time let him go and take both the DC with him, you’ll have a better time at home on your own.

i bet you don’t take him to your parents house and leave him there with your parents and both kids and go out on a bender without inviting him, do you?

How would he react if you did?

He is outright telling you he doesn’t care anout you or the time you are having. Stop going to visit his family. He treats you like the hired traveling nanny. And he ignores the children. So what is in it for you?

So really he's on holiday from work and his kids but you aren't. I would be so annoyed at being left on my own with in-laws. He should have asked his parents to babysit and invited you along. I'd be furious. You'd have a better time at home.

pack hi of with the children and stay home and have a well earned rest - unless of course he didn't mean just you don't come did? did he mean you and the children stay hoe then and he goes on his own?