Ds won't talk to me

[Almost18]

My DS is almost 18 and we've had a huge falling out and I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

We have been through a lot over the past few years. When DS was 10 I had a breakdown and I was in hospital for 3 years. Their dad looked after them in my house but I came home on the weekends and they stayed with me then. It built up from just having them Saturday and Sunday to having them Thursday evening until Tuesday morning. But it was obviously a very difficult time for my DS and his younger sister.

The other thing was when I was on an acute ward it was a mixed ward of men and women and I started a relationship with one of the men. He was very persistent and after a while I saw him as essential to protect me from the sexual abuse from the other men. I was very unwell and became very attached to him. By the time I was moved to a women's hospital he was out of hospital and Children's services were very keen for him to be involved with looking after my DC and I think their dad saw it as a break for him. This all horrifies me now but I was so unwell at the time I wasn't able to make the best decisions for my DC. After I left hospital our relationship continued. It was a DV relationship. This was obviously also very difficult for my DC. I should have ended the relationship sooner.

In December my DS tried to take his own life. Luckily I got him to hospital and all was ok. (I finally made the break with my ex partner at this point.) We became closer and I made sure to spend more time with him and he started seeing a keyworker from CAMHS. He wanted someone to talk to and fully engaged. He told the keyworker that he was happy at home and felt close to me and his sister.

In March, he started isolating and I found out that he was trying a number of street drugs. He then tried to take his life again and I called an ambulance. He did not want me to and kept telling me to cancel it. He ended up going to hospital but not staying and going to his best friend's house. He messaged me saying he would never forgive me, he hated me and was so glad he was 18 soon and could leave home and never see me again. He didn't want to come home and his CAMHS keyworker asked me if there was any family he could go to. I asked my brother if he could stay with them for the Easter holidays which they agreed to. So after a few days at his friend's he went to them (a 2.5hr drive away).

I've not seen him for a week and a half. No contact as he has blocked me so I can't message him and he's not wanted to talk to me on the phone. Today we came to my brothers for a birthday celebration. We are staying for the weekend in a hotel nearby. I was so excited to see him, but he didn't want to know. As he wouldn't talk to me I just wrote him a little note saying how lovely it was to see him and how much I'd missed him. I acknowledged how hard things had been for him and how sorry I was about that and told him how much I loved him. We stayed for a couple of hours then came to our hotel. He sent a message to his sister asking her to tell me to leave him alone, he doesn't want to be near me, he doesn't want to be in the same room as me, he doesn't even want to be in the same house as me.

I'm completely devastated. It is his 18th next weekend and I'm desperate for things to be better. He will have to come home then anyway. I just don't know what to do. My brother has tried to speak to him but doesn't really get anything out of him. If anting can give me any advice I'd really appreciate it. I've certainly not been the worlds best mum but I love him so much.

No patience except respect his space, but make sure to keep safeguarding him as best you can.

Make sure the people around him know that he’s at risk for self harm, suicide attempts and using illegal substances.

In terms of the relationship he will probably need time and therapy to deal with his feelings towards you.

I don't think AIBU is the gentlest place you could have posted this.

You've had your battles and you've done the best you could while facing them.

He has suffered as a result though and it has impacted his whole childhood. That is something he won't get over unfortunately.

All you can do is try and forge a relationship, on his terms, as adults. He is hurting, probably realising a lot from a more adult perspective, and lashing out.

You can't get the past back and change it, but you can hopefully have a future relationship.

All you can do is respect his boundries but leave the lines of communication open.

All you can do is respect his decision for now - what is his relationship with his Dad like?

is yiur daughter with you

Thank you. I do wonder if him being angry about the ambulance has brought all his anger out. He has every right to be angry towards me. But I'd do anything to make it right. Sadly, as soon as he turns 18 he will not be able to see his keyworker anymore who he has a really good relationship with. He has been referred to an 18-25 service and his keyworker is going to do a virtual handover next week.

Yes, I know but I guess I don't think I deserve gentle. I've unfortunately screwed everything up. It just feels so unfair when what could I do but call an ambulance? I think all his anger has come out against me, probably that he buried for years. He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever, but he won't let me support him.

His relationship with his dad is ok. But his dad has had severe mental health problems (a big part of why I had a breakdown.) I have been the one bringing him and his DS up, even when I was in hospital I was organising everything. I would love it if his dad could step up now and he could live with him for a while, but unfortunately his dad will not have him to stay as he lives with his mother who has nothing to do with the DC besides sending them a card on their birthdays and Christmas. I have said for years to their dad if they can't come over to his because of his mother he needs to find somewhere else to live but it falls on deaf ears. Yes, my DD is with me. She is 13 and really misses her brother and is very confused about what is happening. We've always been close, the 3 of us and spent lots of time together until recently.

"He is so vulnerable and needs me now more than ever".
Sorry to be brutal, but he doesn't need you - he needs professional help to process his trauma, deal with the past, and move forward into what hopefully will be a happy and fulfilled life. For the moment, it would probably be best to respect his wish not to see you, but try to help in the background if that's possible.
You've obviously had a terrible time of it too and did the best you could at the time. Be patient and wait for him to return when he's in a better place.

I think it will take time before he can trust you again. What you should recognise is that him having strong negative feelings towards you is because it's a mix of love, resentment, sadness, anger all built in. He needs to be in a better place before he can forgive you and trust you again. So arm yourself with patience, be sure to be at hand but never be intrusive. Respect his boundaries. It's vital that he goes to therapy. His childhood has been chaotic so it's normal for him to have mental health problems. Right now you are not the person to help him, you can just help him get help.

He is getting professional help. But seeing someone for an hour once a week is really not enough. I think he needs a parent more than ever and unfortunately that is me. And that is what the professionals are saying too.

The thing is how can I respect his wish not to see me when next week he will have to come home? His key worker has given him the option to apply for supported accommodation but he's not wanted to do that (yet, at least.)

I'm trying to think of all options, even his dad moving back into my house. I could maybe stay with my brother for a week. But eventually I will have to come home to look after his sister.

I am hoping he will be able to build a good relationship with his new keyworker.

You are right I need patience. My natural instinct is to just want to fix everything right now, but I know that's not possible.

How do I live in the same house as him and have no communication. I'm just confused how to make it work. Would he be better off going into supported accommodation? I really don't know. He's not emotionally/socially mature and I worry it would not be the best thing for him.

Trying to be gentle here, but your DS is in crisis, he HAS to focus on himself. He has no energy or headspace to rebuild the relationship with you no matter how desperately you want to do that. Similar to how you were in hospital because you were in crisis and had no energy or headspace to care for them as DC and maintain that mother-child relationship. You needed the time and space to focus only on yourself and you.

Your DS needs that now. In your shoes I would be looking at inpatient options for him with the professionals. There is a genetic component to many serious mental health disorders and often what worked for the parent will work for the child.

If he has to come home, you need to make it as low pressure as possible. None of this I love you, please forgive me, we are good right?, I so want to be a mum you can confide in, etc. It is a massive pressure on a person to push them along processing trauma and anger from a 3yr period where you disappeared, the fact it wasn’t your fault only adds to this because it’s then anger + guilt at feeling angry. To push him now when he is already in crisis is making him worse. Him asking you to stay away, not bother him is a defensive, survival mechanism. He needs help, but you are not the right person for it at all.

When he is stable and strong, that is the time to broach rebuilding the relationship.

Unfortunately you are seeing this from your point of view saying how hard you've tried but it doesn't erase what happened.

He's deeply traumatised by it. He needs to deal with that on his own terms. He clearly regards you as a negative force and part of his life.

He is allowed to feel like this. You can't undo what's done.

It's harsh but that's the reality. The most you can do is recognise this, respect this and say that you will be there in future and hope he eventually comes round. You can't force him to stay in touch.

Worse still if you push him, even if he's vulnerable, you could make everything worse.

He needs the support of others in his life if he's vulnerable. You can't be that support person because of your history.

You can't fix any of this. It's awful and it's desperately sad that's the way it is.

Make sure others know this. Make sure they know you are worried about him. But back off. You don't have a choice. This isn't about your feelings and how much it's breaking your heart. This is about him.

I didn't actually have the opportunity to focus only of me because I had to keep things running at home. But I appreciate your point.

Unfortunately, mental health services have had to cut back so much there's no chance he'd get an inpatient place, although I think it would probably do him some good. To access the 18-25 team he is actually being stepped down in risk.

That's a good point about genetics and I do think some of what worked for me could work for him.

Yes, I understand about not pushing him. I'm trying to get the balance right between him knowing I still care (his keyworker has said this is really important) and giving him the space he needs.

I think what scares me about him coming home is that it seemed that lots of family time helped him feel better. If he doesn't want anything to do with me then he'll just be isolating in his bedroom which seems to make things worse. He is getting lots of family time at my brothers which seems to be doing him so much good. They have said he is welcome to come back for May half term.

Also how can I make this easier for his DS as this situation is affecting her mental health too.

I didn't actually have the opportunity to focus only of me because I had to keep things running at home

I was referring to the 3years you were in hospital and your DS was being raised by his Dad.

At the risk of being completely flamed, you come across as though you spend a lot of time thinking of others, organising for other people to get what they need, fixing other people's problems but if you are honest with yourself, does that come from a place of strength on your part, or is it a role you have carved out for yourself because you need to feel valued?
I say this after reading your posts about the unhealthy relationships you have had, and how you look to other people to 'save' you, for want of a better phrase.
Now you need to fix things with DS in order for you to feel better. It reads like a lot of your emotional well being rides on how other people, including your DS values you as a person, and for someone with poor mental health, this can be a heavy load.

Would you say you are emotionally strong? Do you find yourself overstretching yourself to accommodate people? Do you feel you are valued? Appreciated?

You are considering moving out of your own home and moving your DS's father into your house, the same man who has had severe mental health problems which contributed to you having a breakdown because you think this is what your DS needs or would prefer, but surely if your DS returns home, the deal is that you also live there and he is free to make the choice as to whether he wants to stay under the same roof as you or not?

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I think you would really benefit from examining your feelings and building yourself up to a place where you feel emotionally strong enough to value yourself, without having to accommodate other people, simply to feel OK.

Yes, I understand it is about him. And I'm trying (but not always sucseeding) at focusing on that.

I know I can't force him to stay in touch. But if he lives with me, we can't really be completely not in touch. I don't want to push him but I need to find away to make this work, not least for his younger sister.

And due to his risk of self harm I do have to keep somewhat of an eye on him if he is living with us. And I'm sure that will feel intrusive to him.

I will continue to try to get his dad to step up more, though and take him out etc.

As I explained in the OP while I was in hospital, I also spent time at home looking after my DC. Starting with Saturday and Sunday and moving up to Thurs eve to Tues morning. Their dad lived in my house with the DC while I was in hospital. I paid the mortgage and all the bills and online shop. I still organised everything for school, play dates, activities. So while this must have felt like a huge abandonment to go from mum there all the time, it's not correct to say their dad raised them for 3 years with no input from me.

You are not what he needs right now. Who does he like and get on with that can keep him safe - can he stay with your brother on a longer term basis while he gets the support he needs?

That poor kid. And nearly 18 or not, he’s still just a boy. Can the CAMHs worker do anything to get him more intensive therapy or social services involvement so he can stay elsewhere that’s safe if he won’t come home to you? He badly needs help and if he’s this angry with you you’re not the person to do that.

The trauma he (and his younger sister) have gone through would be a lot for an adult to deal with, let alone a child. I don’t know what your daughter’s mental health is like but given everything she has endured as well I’d want to line up some kind of help for her to process everything before it gets as bad as it has for your poor son.

You could well be right. Yes, I do indeed always feel I need to step in and help others. And yes, my self-esteem has absolutely plummeted due to this situation with DS.

No, I'm not emotionally strong. And yes, I overstretch myself. Very often I don't feel appreciated and I not going to lie, there is certainly a part of me that feels very unappreciated by DS right now as wrong as that is.

Ah, yes, I can see what you mean about my house. I'm just so confused I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going! I was just thinking if DS would feel more comfortable if his dad was about. I don't want to drive him out of home when despite him saying (in anger) that he could leave home at 18 he doesn't seem so keen on the reality.

Thank you for your insightful comments. I do really appreciate it.

Absolutely this, if you've been i hospital for 3 years, apart from weekend passes... its been a horrible time for your dc.
The weekend passes weren't to allow you to parent were they really? They were about what was best for you and your needs?

No, he can't stay with my brother. He doesn't want to either as he has college and of course his professional mental health support. He is very close to his sister too. He could spend some time at his best friend's house. And also go back to my brothers at May half term.

I know, he is very much still a boy.

Unfortunately, an hour a week is pretty standard with such cut back mental health services. She did work hard to get him into the 18-25 service as if he went to adults he would get even less.

His keyworker has offered to help him apply for supported accommodation but he's not wanted to do that. As it stands he will be coming back to me next weekend.

My daughter is under CAMHS as this situation is very hard for her and has benefited from play therapy when she was younger which I think helped her enormously. Unfortunately my DS seemed to fall between the gaps and was never given anything when younger despite me trying to sort it.

As I said it started with Saturday-Sunday and built up to Thurs eve to Tues morning. And yes, they were to allow me to parent. If it was about what was best for my needs then a complete break would probably have benefited me. This was all over seen by Children's services of course. In terms of the DC I'm not sure how me completely disappearing from their lives would have been beneficial.

Fwiw, I think both of your DC would benefit from you getting some support for yourself to enable you to improve your own self esteem and to feel stronger emotionally without relying on other people's validation and appreciation to indicate whether you've done enough.

Your posts are focused on other people, their feelings, what would be best for them, how you can help them, how you can support them, how you can give your time, home, resources, effort, love to them, and I suspect that in doing so, you hope they'll return your efforts in the way of appreciation, acceptance, support, validation, approval, which fulfils your needs and makes you feel valued.
It reads like you often don't feel like you're doing enough, and you're almost obsessively thinking of what more you can do in order to meet everyone's needs, so they would show appreciation for your efforts to make a difference and fix peoples problems and in turn, that would make you feel valued.
I wonder how often you invest the same thoughts, help, support, time, resources, effort and love into yourself. I suspect you have long been in a habit of sacrificing your own needs in favour of other people's, with the hope that they will reciprocate somehow and therefore meet your needs.
Your DS isn't in a position to meet your needs, as I'm sure you're only too aware of, but you can build yourself up and by doing so, you can have an enormous impact on the mental well being of the people you are trying to help, by being a stronger happier version of yourself.