Ds won't talk to me

[Almost18]

My DS is almost 18 and we've had a huge falling out and I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

We have been through a lot over the past few years. When DS was 10 I had a breakdown and I was in hospital for 3 years. Their dad looked after them in my house but I came home on the weekends and they stayed with me then. It built up from just having them Saturday and Sunday to having them Thursday evening until Tuesday morning. But it was obviously a very difficult time for my DS and his younger sister.

The other thing was when I was on an acute ward it was a mixed ward of men and women and I started a relationship with one of the men. He was very persistent and after a while I saw him as essential to protect me from the sexual abuse from the other men. I was very unwell and became very attached to him. By the time I was moved to a women's hospital he was out of hospital and Children's services were very keen for him to be involved with looking after my DC and I think their dad saw it as a break for him. This all horrifies me now but I was so unwell at the time I wasn't able to make the best decisions for my DC. After I left hospital our relationship continued. It was a DV relationship. This was obviously also very difficult for my DC. I should have ended the relationship sooner.

In December my DS tried to take his own life. Luckily I got him to hospital and all was ok. (I finally made the break with my ex partner at this point.) We became closer and I made sure to spend more time with him and he started seeing a keyworker from CAMHS. He wanted someone to talk to and fully engaged. He told the keyworker that he was happy at home and felt close to me and his sister.

In March, he started isolating and I found out that he was trying a number of street drugs. He then tried to take his life again and I called an ambulance. He did not want me to and kept telling me to cancel it. He ended up going to hospital but not staying and going to his best friend's house. He messaged me saying he would never forgive me, he hated me and was so glad he was 18 soon and could leave home and never see me again. He didn't want to come home and his CAMHS keyworker asked me if there was any family he could go to. I asked my brother if he could stay with them for the Easter holidays which they agreed to. So after a few days at his friend's he went to them (a 2.5hr drive away).

I've not seen him for a week and a half. No contact as he has blocked me so I can't message him and he's not wanted to talk to me on the phone. Today we came to my brothers for a birthday celebration. We are staying for the weekend in a hotel nearby. I was so excited to see him, but he didn't want to know. As he wouldn't talk to me I just wrote him a little note saying how lovely it was to see him and how much I'd missed him. I acknowledged how hard things had been for him and how sorry I was about that and told him how much I loved him. We stayed for a couple of hours then came to our hotel. He sent a message to his sister asking her to tell me to leave him alone, he doesn't want to be near me, he doesn't want to be in the same room as me, he doesn't even want to be in the same house as me.

I'm completely devastated. It is his 18th next weekend and I'm desperate for things to be better. He will have to come home then anyway. I just don't know what to do. My brother has tried to speak to him but doesn't really get anything out of him. If anting can give me any advice I'd really appreciate it. I've certainly not been the worlds best mum but I love him so much.

I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy and I hope once completed it will help me in those areas.

Your post resonates with me so much. This pattern of me destroying myself in order to try and help everyone else is one I am only just starting to recognise. I am going to be starting a domestic violence recovery tool kit in May which could be helpful in this area too.

It was lovely seeing DS and DD having fun together at the family lunch today. I minimised my contact with DS only asked if he wanted another drink when DD asked for one. Then went and said goodnight to DS and DD (DD is sleeping over at my brother's tonight) when I left. I had to step out for a breather a few times when tears were welling up, but overall I think I did as well as I could with giving DS space.

On Monday myself, DS's dad, my brother and sister in law and my best friend (mother of DS's best friend) are going to have a chat as to next steps once DS comes back home so everyone is on the same page. Then my brother and later his dad will talk to him. Hopefully they can find out what DS wants to do and also how realistic it is as my brother said he thinks he is very naive as to how housing works.

Can you ask CAHMS for family therapy? It sounds like it will be a slow burner, but be consistent with your approach to him, and let him know you’re willing to talk about it all, as hard as it is, when he’s ready.

CAMHS are discharging him next week and DS is having a transition to the 18-25 service. I can speak to them about if this is a possibility.

Sorry to be so blunt but, that rando from the hospital who you say children’s services were so keen to look after your kids, did he……do something to your son? Have you ever asked him that?

I have spoken to him a bit about that time. But you're right it could do with more investigation.

I was in a relationship with him for over 7 years and he always got on well with the DC. I certainly can't imagine him doing anything to harm them. But I suppose that's how it often seems.

Yes, the 18-25 service will have family work professionals but will be lead by son as to whether they’ll offer it or not. Hopefully he’ll agree.

Thanks again for all the useful advice.

Just wanted to give a bit of an update. DS's aunty and uncle spoke to him about his plans going forward and he said he wanted to come home in time for his birthday on Saturday. I've now spoken to him and he said he just wants me to 'back off' a bit.

I know we have a long road ahead of us but I'm happy he's coming home.

Excellent post from @LoremIpsumCici and I don't have further advice to add.

Only to say I'm so sorry you've all been through such a terrible time and I hope you also have ongoing mh support?

You may want to look at young carers support services in your area, your local council offices should be able to help put you in touch if such a service exists in your area. I think both your children would qualify (some young carers services will support young adults too) and it could be another helpful form of support for both of them.

Step back for your own sanity too.
What's meant to be will be.

Thank you, that's very kind. Yes, I have a support worker for 4 hours a week and am on the waiting list for psychotherapy. I will have a look at young carers, thank you.