Sharing the family load

[shelle07]

Both DH and I work full time. He is often away with work in the week and I am left to shoulder the responsibilities.
In the last two weeks he went on a a golfing break with friends. This week he is watching the Masters and football, going to the cricket tomorrow all day, and playing golf on Sunday, and seeing the MIL. He has just told me he is going to the club tonight for a drink, and I have kicked off. He thinks I am being unfair as he has had a stressful week and works so hard.
I work too F/T too and am pretty much a single parent in our house. All the organising of our family and running the house is left to me. He thinks if I want to do something I should just do it, and I can just leave everything. I believe there are things that have to be done, and won’t go away, and he should be sharing the load with me, not escaping and leaving it all to me.
Am I being unreasonable? How is the load shared in other families? He makes me feel like I’m totally unfair when I complain, but I really do feel I need to stand my ground on this.

How old are your children & what kind of things are we talking about that you say have to be done?

Because my answer depends on those things. If you have young children who can’t be left alone, need dinner/bath/bed, and you need to do a load of washing otherwise there’ll be nothing to wear tomorrow then yes I think he’s being an arse- somebody has to do those jobs, they can’t be left.

But if your kids are 16 and 18 & the jobs you’re talking about are mopping the floors or clearing out the loft then I’d say yep, do as he says and just leave it, do what you want to do!

I honestly don’t think men like this change. He doesn’t value you, your time or your family.

My DH would just never do this, sure we both see friends and sometimes things happened to be booked back to back if feels like but if he’s going out and leaving me with the kids firstly he will always ask am I happy for him to go/ am I free to have the kids? Then he will go out of his way to make sure he either takes the kids out in the morning so I have a break before having them all day or he will be back at bedtime if it’s a day thing.

My kids are mid teens. The load being around ferrying the kids around, washing, cooking, food shop, homework, revision, walking the dog, appointments, bills, family commitments, holiday stuff… just the general family admin, diary, and load.

So go out yourself. They are old enough to get themselves something to eat and get washing out if you start it off. Also could walk the dog and I presume it's THEIR revision and not your own so why would you be doing it. Don't be a martyr

So what are these mid teens doing to help round the house? I’m sure they can walk the dog and make themselves an easy tea. They should also be able to manage their own revision.
Also they would be fine for a few hours if you wanted to catch up with friends.

Aren’t the mid teens out most of the day because of the school holidays and glorious weather ? I just left them at home to get on with their school
holidays and did what I had to (and wanted to) do.

What chores do they do? I see plenty of mid teens walking the family dog and I’m a single parent so had to teach my kids to cook the odd meal. Do they have SEN as they can’t do revision and homework without you?

I couldn’t leave them overnight or get drunk (the golfing and club stuff that your h is doing sounds like excuses for alcohol) but I lived in the suburbs so they took buses and taxis if I was unavailable.

Absolutely this. Both my parents worked full time when I was a teenager and had their own social commitments and I never felt hard done by or they had to do everything for me! Surely by mid-teens, they can do their own washing, cook an easy meal or heat up a ready meal and help with walking the dog. I'm not sure what you mean by holidays either? Surely they are old enough to entertain themselves during the holidays.

My mum was a teacher and I was still made to be responsible for my own homework and revision!

Seems like he has very little interest in family life. He was away all last weekend, he’s out and about all this weekend, does different things in the evening and goes away with work; does he actually want to spend time with you and the DC?

Just up and leave for a week. Book a hotel and leave. It’s literally “the” only way these men wake up.

By helping your teens to be a but more self reliant in cooking the odd meal and doing own wahing you are paving the way for less reliance on you. Sounds like dh is adament he will have his own life come what may so only option is to make your life happy yourself.
I wouldn't be adverse to leaving his washing undone and no ironing or taxing his car as everyone does their own thing now and having no dinners ready or food in fridge. Just a bit of tit for tat... and go out just before he gets in so he has to sort himsrlf out....

One of my sons has ADHD, so does everything he can to avoid homework and revision.

But that's on HIM. At the end of the day it only affects himself.

Wondered how long before someone would pipe up with the ADHD or autism reason

Besides the OP didn't mention anything of the sort

Go the club for a drink with him. Have a night off.

Ask him to do some laundry before he goes out and to walk the dog. Order food shop online for delivery. Kids can help put it away.
The kids can also walk the dog.

People only so a little when you let them.

Get allocating tasks and time for yourself.

What do you mean that you were wondering how long it would be before someone piped up with ADHD or autism? The OP has provided further information about why it isn't as easy for her to just go out and leave her kids, even though they are teenagers.

You sound really disrespectful and ableist.

I meant that near enough every thread on here about kids mentions it. Seems a small minority of people that gave kids without either condition. However in real life doesn't seem so widespread

Time to sit down and split the jobs between you. And plan some serious leisure time for yourself where he has child related responsibilities at the same time

That’s unfair of him. We have teenagers and taxi them and friends around to social events, sports sessions, gym etc all on 50 weeks of the year. Then the food shop, meal planning, cooking, organising, house work (endless housework), gardening, car maintenance, home maintenance, paying bills, ensuring good deals on bills, insurance, kids clothes, school, homework overview, tutors, parents evenings etc.
It’s a lot and if I was in your position I would resent doing it mostly alone.

He isn’t going to alter his position because he can effectively do as he wants and you have sucked it up for all this time.

If you want to start tacking this I would begin with his “duties” as a basic father first.

@Gogogo12345 Maybe parents of children with ADHD or Autism are more likely to post on Mumsnet and try to get support? Not exactly a difficult idea to grasp is it?!

All in one weekend? And what do your teens do FOR THEMSELVES

Many of those things like PE are once a year jobs per child/vehicle

My child had a tutor and the only input needed was paying. Similarly they looked for clothes they needed (teens usually have specific likes and dislikes) and sent me the link so I could order them.

It is annoying doing gardening, housework and house maintenance on your own and if you live rurally to ferry everyone around but mid teens can do a lot of gardening and housework like laundry.

I was merely listing the jobs of a household, clearly not are every week but they are things that need doing overall. My teens do plenty for themselves, they do homework, I drive them to the tutor, they tidy their own rooms and clean/change bedding. They make their own snacks, some family meals. I’m happy to go shopping with them or pay when they go with friends. I’m not complaining, my DH does more than his fair share!