Sharing the family load

[shelle07]

Both DH and I work full time. He is often away with work in the week and I am left to shoulder the responsibilities.
In the last two weeks he went on a a golfing break with friends. This week he is watching the Masters and football, going to the cricket tomorrow all day, and playing golf on Sunday, and seeing the MIL. He has just told me he is going to the club tonight for a drink, and I have kicked off. He thinks I am being unfair as he has had a stressful week and works so hard.
I work too F/T too and am pretty much a single parent in our house. All the organising of our family and running the house is left to me. He thinks if I want to do something I should just do it, and I can just leave everything. I believe there are things that have to be done, and won’t go away, and he should be sharing the load with me, not escaping and leaving it all to me.
Am I being unreasonable? How is the load shared in other families? He makes me feel like I’m totally unfair when I complain, but I really do feel I need to stand my ground on this.

But it's one weekend that OP saying about all the things that she has to do with teens.

As an aside with the taxiing about, many parents don't have cars so the teens manage. So teens with parents with cars should learn to manage as well. I made that mistake with eldest then realised at a certain age 13/14 perhaps it was totally embarrassing that she didn't know how to use buses and trains, or cycle somewhere. Next kids were far more practiced at getting places independently from a younger age

@Gogogo12345I read the OP as she is on her own throughout the week often as her DH works away frequently, as well as last weekend and this weekend as examples. That feels like a vastly disproportionate division of chores.

My teens are capable but we live rurally so dropped at train stations etc.

So she easily be able to cope for a weekend as well then. Many women have husbands work away and manage with much younger kids. I've never had a husband/father of kids on the scene when my kids were 5 upwards do it just the norm for many of us

Going back to my OP I was wanting to understand how other families share the load, and other opinions on whether I am being unfair on my DH. I wasn’t trying to be a martyr, or looking to be shamed because others have it tougher than me. I was purely hoping for some helpful feedback to consider to improve our situation, not criticism to make me feel smaller.

Crikey, it’s not a let’s see who’s life can be the shittiest race! The point remains the OP shouldn’t have to do it all alone.

My life wasn't shitty thanks

I suppose it boils down to having equal free time OP. I work 3 days and DH works 5, so I do more of the household stuff.

My DH was just complaining last night that he doesn’t get to watch the footie, look at TV, eat dinner in peace, see his mates, go to the pub, or have any money… And it’s all my fault.

I’ve never stopped him doing any of these things. I went for lunch a friend yesterday. So, obviously, I’m living the high life!

I’m taking DS away for a few days at Easter, he’ll have plenty of “me-time”. None of which will be spent doing housework / life admin / child-stuff. Just sitting on his hole, doing all of the above.

I think you are getting a hard time op. Yes the kids could help but so could DH. I would start by leaving his washing. It's not fair to opt out of family life. I did have to have a 'moment' myself once and since then one of us orders shopping and plans dinners and the other does the washing. Also start getting in early with time out for you. Go to a Saturday morning exercise class (even if all you do is go for coffee!) and let him get the kids to where they want to go etc.

Go on strike? As in, they don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone? It’s very easy for men to deride the massive contribution women make to family life. Otherwise they’d have to take a long hard look at themselves and acknowledge just how little they do compared with their superwomen wives/partners. Obvs not all men are like this, but many are. They really don’t see/realise/want to recognize just how much their other half does. They’d be capable if they had to, they just choose not to.

I know what you are saying @shelle07. DH just doesn’t see or think about things. I just get on with what I have to do and he will do something if asked. If I want to go away etc I put it in the diary and if both are out, we will need to discuss who makes dinner. My DH doesn’t want to spend loads of time away from
the family though. Why does yours?

Mid teens are well able to do a lot of the chores you're describing. They can clean, cook, shop and prepare meals, do lawn care and be taught home maintenance, and should be dealing with their own homework. If one isn't doing it, loss of privileges like going out and electronics.

Bills can be set up to auto pay.

Holiday, let the teens do it or just drop it.

Ferrying them around, sometimes it's necessary and sometimes not. Get ready for driving lessons.

You can't force him to be present for his family.

If he's this absent around the home, stop doing his stuff. Is he checked out emotionally? If so, get ready for the shoe to drop as the kids near 18.

And? Surely you can see the difference between having to carry another adult and not? Shea perfectly capable of doing it all, as demonstrated by the fact that she does do it all. What she's saying, is why should she when there is another adult who should also be playing a role?

He's being a total arse ... tell him what's what, and say if he doesn't buck his ideas up, he can bugger off 🙂