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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to entertain someone 19 years older than me?

44 replies

Ickyornot · 11/04/2025 12:01

I have just come out of a long-term relationship with the father of my child. This has been a long time coming, but painful nonetheless. I have just turned 27, he was 10 years older than me and of course at the beginning it was a topic of discussion but after that we never, ever felt the age gap. It worked so well for us and was very natural.

I have just recently met someone who is 45. He is so so kind. I know about his dating life, and he does go on dates with women younger than himself, however, these women are mid-30s (so not massive gaps) and it genuinely seems like he doesn't purposefully seek out younger women, so not coming across as a creep. He is indifferent about having kids, I don't want any more. I'm not going to lie, I am crushing on him a lot. We laugh so much together and gel so well. He has been strictly friendly with me but has today thrown in a comment about my personality making me really attractive and giving me other compliments. I feel he's going to ask me out one of these days.

I am not looking for a new relationship but I wouldn't mind dating him in my own time. But is it too icky? I can only think of Monica and Richard from Friends - similar ages, and that didn't seem icky, but is it?! I wonder if people would think it's my dad if we went out together, oh God. Should I stop this immediately?

OP posts:
AlisounOfBath · 11/04/2025 12:07

Depends, doesn’t it? If he’s fit and healthy and active then I don’t see why not. You’re well into adulthood and already doing very adulty things like motherhood, and he’s not in a position of responsibility like a boss or something is he? Genuine kindness and thoughtfulness is very thin on the ground, so I’d say grab it if it’s offered.

LushLemonTart · 11/04/2025 12:09

Go for it. Especially if it's casual. Who knows where it'll lead?

Devilsmommy · 11/04/2025 12:09

Age is just a number. I got with my now DH when I was 35. He was 52. We are perfect together and age really doesn't have a bearing on our relationship. If you both like each other then why not just try dating and see how you feel 😊

findingnibbles · 11/04/2025 12:12

Seems fine to me, if you like him.

I suppose the only consideration would be, what if it gets serious and how would that look in the long term. 27 and 45 might feel fun – 42 and 60 might feel different. 52 and 70 likewise, and so on.

StrongLazyVague · 11/04/2025 12:14

I don't think you should be dating anyone at all yet if you've just ended a longterm relationship with the father of your child -- you should be single for a while and get your head back together. Rebound relationships are unfair all round, and in your shoes I'd be asking myself whether a pattern of much older men was forming, and why.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 11/04/2025 12:16

StrongLazyVague · 11/04/2025 12:14

I don't think you should be dating anyone at all yet if you've just ended a longterm relationship with the father of your child -- you should be single for a while and get your head back together. Rebound relationships are unfair all round, and in your shoes I'd be asking myself whether a pattern of much older men was forming, and why.

This.

Is it in your child's interests for you to date this man? Or any man right now?

I would be inherently suspicious of a 45 year old man who wanted to date a 27 year old woman with a young child, to be honest.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 11/04/2025 12:28

No harm in a bit of flirting, good confidence boost. But if you've just come out of a relationship and you have a young child, there's a lot more to consider than just his age.

Nothing wrong with some fun, but be careful of falling too quickly as a rebound and doing something that might be difficult to reverse out of order have too big an impact on your child's life.

Menopants · 11/04/2025 12:30

Oh god don’t tie yourself to an old fart. He will be showing his best side now but once he gets you hooked he will be dreadful

BlondiePortz · 11/04/2025 12:36

What would be best to your child, but of you can keep it separate it is up to you but you may get some replies saying you don't know yourself own mind and he is doing all your thinking for you, and some weird he had more power thing

If you totally have your eyes wide open and can treat it light it could be ok

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 11/04/2025 12:38

If you don't want any more kids and want a relationship then I would go for it. Younger men may still want a family of their own.

Kbroughton · 11/04/2025 12:42

You have just come out of a difficult relationship and have a child. I am someone who always wants to be in a relationship, but when my marriage broke up for the first time I had a good break from anything dating wise. It was the BEST decision. For me and my daughter. I made some great friends, learnt about who I was as a person, what I wanted out of life, what my boundaries were etc all things I did not know before and the reason I chose such a terrible person for my exH! Really just give yourself a good break and enjoy this healing time. I look back and it was a really happy time. I am now engaged to someone else, and I was 43 when my marriage broke up!

SallyD00lally · 11/04/2025 12:47

and it genuinely seems like he doesn't purposefully seek out younger women, so not coming across as a creep.

They just fall into his lap, do they?

A nearly 20 year age gap would be too big for me, and with a man like this who only seems to date younger women, I'd worry about you getting replaced as you get older.

You've got a lot going for you, don't give it to someone old enough to be your dad.

Naunet · 11/04/2025 12:59

Devilsmommy · 11/04/2025 12:09

Age is just a number. I got with my now DH when I was 35. He was 52. We are perfect together and age really doesn't have a bearing on our relationship. If you both like each other then why not just try dating and see how you feel 😊

Yeah age is just a number which is why its almost always older men and younger women....

Personally I think that's a huge age gap OP, given your ages. If it's just a bit of fun, I guess why not, but if you're looking for more, I'd seriously consider how much this age gap could end up impacting you.

TallulahBetty · 11/04/2025 12:59

Why not? My partner (cringe) is 20 years older than me, both of us married before. I have a child but he won't be meeting her for some time.

Absolutely do not introduce the child and/or move in together though!

SallyD00lally · 11/04/2025 13:10

Naunet · 11/04/2025 12:59

Yeah age is just a number which is why its almost always older men and younger women....

Personally I think that's a huge age gap OP, given your ages. If it's just a bit of fun, I guess why not, but if you're looking for more, I'd seriously consider how much this age gap could end up impacting you.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah age is just a number which is why its almost always older men and younger women....

This is so true.

I'd love to know how many men are dating women 19 years older than them, compared to 19 years younger.

If age was nothing more than a number, social care for the elderly wouldn't exist and there'd be no such thing as underage sex.

People are entitled to their age gap relationships, but kidding themselves about it is pretty silly.

It's all fun and games until you're 60 years old, trying to hold down a full-time job because you're not getting a state pension for another 7 years, and trying to care for your 80 year old partner, whilst also having to possibly care for elderly parents the same age.

BrilliantineStickInsect · 11/04/2025 13:18

I’m 45 and I’ve been with a 55-year-old guy for over 6 months now, I must say he’s the most fun, energetic, enthusiastic guy I’ve ever met, with seemingly boundless energy, kindness, and a zest for life! For context, my marriage ended last year - my husband was 31 and definitely not any of those things - age really is just a number and it’s about the person!

Original poster
Ickyornot · 11/04/2025 13:34

So many good points!

I would 100000% not want to introduce my child to anyone for a very, very long time. I actually can't even imagine introducing anyone to him ever. But I'm sure this would change if for the right person, in time. Definitely wouldn't want to move in with anyone for many, many years either. It would have to be in my spare time (which I have little of) and I would need my time for personal growth as well, as some of you mentioned.

So basically, I cannot give the time needed for a relationship, nor would I want to. It would have to be for fun for now then, which probably wouldn't work for him. But I have no clue what he's looking for. This is quite funny because he hasn't even asked me out yet 😂

I will make sure to keep you all updated though!

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 11/04/2025 13:46

Call me a cynic but, "I have no clue what he's looking for", I'd lay good money on what he's looking for is a casual shag relationship with a younger woman.

If he's so kind, why has no one else snapped him up yet? Has he had a long term relationship at all?

Original poster
Ickyornot · 11/04/2025 13:53

Headingtowardsdivorce · 11/04/2025 13:46

Call me a cynic but, "I have no clue what he's looking for", I'd lay good money on what he's looking for is a casual shag relationship with a younger woman.

If he's so kind, why has no one else snapped him up yet? Has he had a long term relationship at all?

You might be right, I just don't get that energy at all. He has been very respectful, we have talked extensively and never has he commented on my looks. But we have both made jokes about traits related to our ages which have been hilarious.

I remember him mentioning a "long-term ex", I don't know how many years the relationship was though. When I asked if him being single with no kids at age 45 was by choice or not, he said "both" - something about relationships just didn't work and he quite enjoyed single life. Red flag?

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 14:12

Ask him if he'd date a 64 year old woman. That's the same age difference. I wouldn't dream of being with someone so much older long term - I like to date people who are my generation. As for Monica and Richard, that was the whole thing, wasn't it, that it was icky? He was her parents' friend. He didn't want to hang out with them and they didn't want to hang out with him.

Davros · 11/04/2025 14:16

Age never seems to have a bearing on MN age gap relationships. I’ve seen it rather later on and it’s not good

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/04/2025 14:21

The age gap isn't the issue.
Take it slowly, you're only out of a relationship and things can turn serious before turning sour quickly.

GroovyChick87 · 11/04/2025 14:23

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/04/2025 14:12

Ask him if he'd date a 64 year old woman. That's the same age difference. I wouldn't dream of being with someone so much older long term - I like to date people who are my generation. As for Monica and Richard, that was the whole thing, wasn't it, that it was icky? He was her parents' friend. He didn't want to hang out with them and they didn't want to hang out with him.

Not everyone wants to date older and that's ok, he's allowed his personal preference. It would be different if she was in her early 20s. I have always dated around my own age or a bit younger and I went on to marry a younger man. I'm not into much older men.

Grimbeorn · 11/04/2025 14:26

I fancied an older man briefly at a similar age to you. I am 38 now and the thought of being with someone approaching 60 gives me the boak. Twenty years from now I'll be 58 and I'd probably have been helping him to the toilet!
Thankfully I decided not to go there. I found a treasure of a man my own age and we will hopefully grow old together and share the experience.

User5274959 · 11/04/2025 14:34

I bet he can't believe his luck