to entertain someone 19 years older than me?

[Ickyornot]

I have just come out of a long-term relationship with the father of my child. This has been a long time coming, but painful nonetheless. I have just turned 27, he was 10 years older than me and of course at the beginning it was a topic of discussion but after that we never, ever felt the age gap. It worked so well for us and was very natural.

I have just recently met someone who is 45. He is so so kind. I know about his dating life, and he does go on dates with women younger than himself, however, these women are mid-30s (so not massive gaps) and it genuinely seems like he doesn't purposefully seek out younger women, so not coming across as a creep. He is indifferent about having kids, I don't want any more. I'm not going to lie, I am crushing on him a lot. We laugh so much together and gel so well. He has been strictly friendly with me but has today thrown in a comment about my personality making me really attractive and giving me other compliments. I feel he's going to ask me out one of these days.

I am not looking for a new relationship but I wouldn't mind dating him in my own time. But is it too icky? I can only think of Monica and Richard from Friends - similar ages, and that didn't seem icky, but is it?! I wonder if people would think it's my dad if we went out together, oh God. Should I stop this immediately?

Well it is if you feel you might get attached to him and/or are looking for a LTR rather than a sex buddy.

Imo, a f* buddy situation only really works if you can tell from early on that there would be something missing in a relationship between the two of you. And even then, these things take up a lot of headspace and energy and kind of cock block you from meeting someone with more potential. And regular sex also has a way of tricking you into getting attached and looking for someone’s redeeming features.

But tbh it sounds like you quite like him, so if he’s 45, never committed to anyone and has said that relationships don’t work for him, be aware this is very likely going to end in a crappy experience. I think you’re probably going to go for it anyway though.

I'm his age and also childfree and can't imagine dating a 27 year old, with a kid. It would feel like we were lacking enough common ground to make it work. The 27 year olds I work with are great, interesting, funny, intelligent people but fuck do I feel old around them sometimes. I was becoming an adult as they were being born!
You're both adults and if it works it works, but I'd tread a bit carefully.

I have to agree with this.

@Ickyornot When you're 40-45, (still quite youngish and vibrant,) he will be a pensioner. Many men get really grumpy and moan about everything, when they hit 50-55. And they always have something 'wrong' with them, and never stop moaning about their 'ailments.' You will end up being his housemaid and his carer....

Don't do it. 😱Wait til someone your own age comes along!

It's all fun and games until you're 60 years old, trying to hold down a full-time job because you're not getting a state pension for another 7 years, and trying to care for your 80 year old partner, whilst also having to possibly care for elderly parents the same age

This. I have a friend in this position and it is not fun for her.

I wouldn’t. My ex was only 10 years older but it quickly became very apparent.

Agree with this also!

I have just come out of a long-term relationship with the father of my child.

No. Be there for your child during this upheaval. Is it best for them for you to go chasing old men?

She will always be much younger than him and he’s dated many women in their mid 30s so there is no reason to assume he’s going to ditch her for someone younger. And there are lots of reasons he just face dated women younger than him. The industry he works in may be full of women in their mid 30s. He may be extremely young in bearing. Brad Pitt would hardly have been thrown out of bed by many 30 somethings or many 20 somethings. And yes he was Brad Pitt but he was also very fit and handsome

Ive seen 40 year olds that seem very very old in beating, interests and attitude. . I’ve seen 50 year olds that are like 30 year olds.

Why did your last relationship end?

And have you seen a 60 year old woman pushing her 80 year old partner in a wheelchair and all the other caring duties that comes with looking after the elderly, as well as putting in another 7 years full time work until she can claim her state pension?

Because this is very often the reality of it.

To be honest age doesn't always matter that much. I've known plenty of women and men who's partners have died in their 40s and 50s. I work with 4 widows all 50s. Their ops were 50s.

Just enjoy yourself @Ickyornot . Date a few if you get the time. He probably is.

I am in almost exactly that position - although both of my parents are dead.

I resent the impact that my husband's health has on our lives. I hate how limited our life together has become.

But I also look back on the previous 26 years together and know that I regret nothing.

He is one of the most decent, honourable human beings I have ever met. He looked after our family when the kids were young and now we're looking after him. I read about the twattery that so many women put up with and I have never had to deal with any of that. He is a good egg and we were lucky to find each other.

This bit is, however, utterly shit. For both of us.

Okay. So I listened to all advice and I agree - the future situation is something I would not be interested in and need to be careful about.

We are going on a chill date on Friday, I thought I at least deserve to have some fun after a few very rough years and just get to know him, it may just turn out to be a wonderful friendship. But we have spoken on the phone many evenings for hours and holy shit I think I could fall for this man. Also, the sexual tension is like nothing I've ever experienced before. This is not good haha.

Should I cancel?

If you know you don’t want a future with this man, then yes.

Yes. Cancel

Have a shag first - sounds like it could be good!

Lol you know if she does that she’ll still be with him in 5 years

If it's really good sex, why not?!

I mean up to her, but just cos she said she doesn’t want to spend her life with someone that much older! She obviously quite likes him so if they start shagging that’s exactly what will happen