Colleague issue

[Rosie8880]

Hi, I’m a new starter (been at company 4 months). My job involves collaborating with other teams. There is one colleague who is a strong character and I am impressed by his work and high standards. However. Over past 2 months he has begun to be quite sharp and cutting with me.

Examples include.

1. speaking on the phone to another colleague saying he is “sick and tired” within earshot - about me (he was talking loudly - as he always does - about our joint project and a task I am leading on)
2. asking for information I can give him, but asks my manager. This was in office and my manager shared that I could give this to him. I answered with a reply and said colleague said curtly I don’t need all of this information, I just need XYZ. I sent him the info on email and he said thank you.
3. I set up a meeting to plan and prepare for a workshop his response was we don’t need to co design this together and was very short.
4. He cced my manager into an email asking for an update on said workshop - I responded with full information and update. He could have just messaged me ahead of this email and asked me for an update, rather than a full cc etc.
5. He is on leave over Easter and called a meeting on project with his line manager and two other colleagues at short notice but did not include me which to me indicates issues - not just handover planning.
6. I sent a thank you note for his input and wishing him a good Easter before his leave - he read and didn’t reply. This to me is an indication of his actual dislike for me.

my approach always as a team member is to reach out to colleagues over chst message if I need something and if do not have a response then email and cc others.

i respect my colleague but it is driving me wild why someone feels they can use such a curt, dismissive tone (which my manager also has noted) and also be so cold/ rude.

i want and need to bring him onside but I feel my role is at odds with how and what he wants to achieve - he disagrees with some milestones that were agreed before I joined and also with some of project direction. He is a really good, well respected professional but his attitude towards me is upsetting me. Love thoughts on how to manage and handle this.

Sounds like you may either need to discuss with your manager, or just let it go.

1: Was it actually about you personally, or the project?

2: Was this a one off? If it’s a regular occurrence then discuss with your manager, although sounds like they’re pretty on it if they’re signposting to you anyway

3: Was he right?

4: Petty to cc your manager in but not something to keep holding a grudge against, especially if a one off occurrence

5: Was it a meeting you needed to be in?

6: Maybe a bit rude at most but another thing ti just move on from

It seems your manager is aware of a lot of this, I would have an open conversation with them, lay out your concerns about this guy but also ask for feedback. Are you using the correct communication channels and style, what meetings should you expect to be in together/what do you need to plan together.

1. sadly was about me
2. My manager is great, happens yes often
3. no. We need to work together to shape the agenda and also to work on presentations together incl briefing external partners. When I’ve shared the draft agenda for example (ideally I would have got all in a short meeting and talked thru timings and structure) had feedback they wanted more time to set context as example. We need to condesign this so everyone is content
4. i think so - what I’m trying to balance is is there a pattern that I need to be aware of and nip in the bud to assert myself and retain control or, let things slide…
5. Prob not but my concern is - rather than talk to me about any issues he will have a meeting and then go to my manager - which isn’t collaborative nor helpful.
6. true just makes me feel a little ostracized and also it’s pointed - I’m not responding to even say you too thanks. It creates a barrier and tension where none need to be…

Are you at the same level, or are you/him more senior? If your manager has already noticed him being off with you then why aren’t they addressing it with him?

Honestly, while he could clearly be nicer, is it the case that you generate a lot of extra verbiage, are verbose in mails bogged down in extraneous information, and send unnecessary communications? The sending him the email thanking him for his input and wishing him a good Easter sounds like an attempt to placate him that is clearly not working. I’d match his energy, be curt and brief, and make it very plain that he contacts you when necessary, not your manager.

Take him aside and ask him straight. Tell him you’ve noticed he has an issue with you, and ask him how he would like to resolve it. If he blows it off, tell him that’s fine, if he doesn’t want to have it out with you, you’ll organise a meeting with your and his managers to discuss it further.

You don’t need to let any of it go, all these things in isolation may not be a problem, but the issue is the cumulative effect. He doesn’t get to make your life at work a misery. If you shrink away and let this happen, you will end up quitting the job. Stand up for yourself because nobody else will.

“Thank you for your input, have a lovely Easter” I wouldn’t have replied either … looks patronising.

I’m also one of these who can’t be doing with necessary “thanks” Teams messages and email - they just clog up my inbox.

Honestly, he sounds horrible. Complaining about you to a colleague very loudly within earshot is bullying behaviour and unacceptable. Keep a record of all this. You are still new to the role and a decent colleague would recognise this. He is deliberately by-passing you, even though you have the information he needs.

Is he senior to you? What does your manager recommend that you do?

Hi I like the march his energy and this has been my alternative thinking. A few years back I worked here and was well liked and found him supportive. He has a new managerial role and in fairness does seem generally stressed. I have noticed a very different attitude to me than others but, I think your advice is spot on. Keep it professional, give him what he wants and also get what project needs & find ways to communicate that keep him on track.

He isn’t horrid to others - so I do take a balanced view of what can I do better. However his attitude / tone is I feel uncalled for. I’ll see how the next month goes after he’s had an Easter break. If it doesn’t improve - I’ll need to address. Thank you for your response - appreciated ❤️

I’m a project manager, he’s a team manager in a different dept. my manager said he can have a chat a few weeks ago - I said I’d like to try to resolve really, as sometimes these kind of things can be managed rather than directly addressed which then makes it into a thing. He’s highly respected, I’m new - so there’s that too.

This is a dignity issue you need to bring up with your line manager. Nip it in the bud. Is he jealous?

No, I don’t think so. I think there is tension pre me joining tho on project and generally btw my dept and theirs. At start of job they shared with me that they are generally not entirely happy with my dept are doing this programme now, it’s rather complex but they feel the benefits of programme ideally would have been delivered later and they worry of risks of going too fast and delivering on things that will need to be redone. I can’t help any of this as I’ve been brought in to deliver the programme and have milestones that must be met. So at outset there was tension that is being managed, professionally. It’s also slightly confusing for me as the person managing one other dept Comms on project tends to not share and this guy steps in - which is fine but I then share info with him and not her… slightly confusing

Thanks - this is a good response to hear.

It's impossible to know without being there (and I fully sympathise with having someone you're struggling to get along with at work and you don't know why). but I will just say on the cc 'ing manager for a request by email rather than just asking on teams... I have sadly had to start doing this with someone as multiple people are getting frustrated with their work but it's impossible for their line manager to talk to them about it (and hopefully address any issues/help them grow) if it's not somehow recorded. Otherwise it's just "I've been hearing x,y,z from others" which is horrible to hear and makes it sound like everyone's moaning about you. Actually having a clear example and trail can be helpful-not necessarily punitively, but to help reflect on where maybe things could have gone better/have been done differently and makes feedback more factual and feel less personal. I have had to outright ask this person to email me rather than (hide behind) teams messages so that I can more easily feedback to their manager in a more neutral factual way

To note, having this email thread with manager cc'ed also helps you, assuming you're doing a good job, if they do start moaning behind your back.

I do also agree that complaining with you in earshot is horrible though. I echo advice of keeping it professional and would advise you also to stay away from teams messages if you can help it.. avoids unnecessary misunderstandings that get lost and then becomes a bit "he said/she said" if something goes wrong as a result

Following with interest as I have also had issues like this over the years and always with make colleagues,
It doesn’t seem to happen to men to the same extent, also men in general do not like being managed by women and don’t seem to like women who are above them in the workplace
I doubt your work colleague would be treating a male in the same way, I think some of them think women are soft and therefore there will be no kick back

I love this - there is a real balance here of voices and perspectives which is what I wanted. What I have found is that I’m walking and working into an already vaguely tense situation - where there is a difference of view btw teams but not to point where it becomes unmanageable. I do feel there are improvements I can make - I’ll need to adapt more and also communicate in a way that best suits them & also allows more time than I would expect for reviews. (Aka 4-5 days). Should there be issues whislt these can be listened to and heard, the behavior will need to change on their side.

Even if you are walking into and working in a tense situation this should not be an excuse for him to be rude/ unprofessional towards you
Many people can work in tense / stressful environments without resorting to the behaviour he has resorted to, I wouldn’t start making excuses for him

Ah thank you. Any sexism is definately not thr problem at all. I can say that with total certainty. It’s not that kind of a deal. We are a diverse workplace and he is very committed to equality and fairness btw genders etc.

Unfortunately there is a lot of sexism in the industry that I work in as it tends to be a male dominated environment

I’m so sorry to hear this - solidarity X

Thanks all - I very much appreciate your comments. I’m signing off now.

Sounds like shoot the messenger type of thing & completely unreasonable of him. You’re not responsible for the project taking place now - just for implementing it. Would it help to share this with him or is it v much an unspoken feeling they shared by them all? Or have you done that already? Makes it hard for you to do yr job effectively (& with much motivation etc) if there’s covert passive aggressive resistance to it. Like you’re the enemy simply because bcos you’re the poor one trying to follow your own orders. You get that he may not in an ideal world agree w/the reasons but you’re just tryna do your job? Why he needs to go over yr head to yr manager is v undermining & unprofessional. Could you ask innocently if he could CC you in next time to get across that you are capable of dealing with it (& that he doesn’t need to bypass you?) His seniority & you’re being new no doubt must make it tricker for sure.

Hi All. Thanks so much for your comments. It was really helpful. I’ve now come to understand what seems to be the issue is wider programme governance, which is resolvable. From speaking with my manager there does seem to possibly be a bit of power play at work - which my manager acknowledges and has spoken to said colleagues manager too. Hopefully things will calm down, and what i am really watching out for is behavior. I feel calmer knowing that my intuition and what I saw was there. now I just want to ensure we have structures in place that wil show that any issues are recorded and visible for all. In a meeting this morning I had he was in he looked generally incredibly nervous biting his nails all the time and being quite jittery. My instinct is that he is stressed generally and perhaps whilst his behavior towards me is / was unacceptable, perhaps he is stressed out more broadly.