Holiday with someone I don’t know

[Overthebow]

We’re booked to go on holiday with SIL and BIL, self catering holiday cottage. They’ve now said SIL brother may also come. We have a 4 year old dd and a baby, I’ve never met SIL brother and neither has my DC, aibu to say I don’t want him coming? And how would I even say that? I don’t feel comfortable with him staying in the house with my young dd when we don’t know him. I know he’s SIL brother but I don’t think that changes anything for me.

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet, I’m trying to work out how I feel about it.

I don’t feel comfortable with him staying in the house with my young dd when we don’t know him.

You seem clear how you feel about it what’s holding you up from telling him?

It's very rude and inappropriate of them to book a holiday with you and then announce that they've invited someone else along, who isn't known to you and without asking. I think it's totally reasonable to be extra wary of an unknown male when you have young children. Maybe give yourself some time to process this news and talk it through with your H. Whatever you decide to do about this trip, I wouldn't make any further joint plans with someone who would do this.

OP has explained that this is due to her ASD - a condition that affects social communication, among other things.

I totally get it. I want you to know that your comfort is just as important as everyone else’s and you shouldn’t need to mask on your holiday. This is a good enough reason to say no, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You can say ‘I’m really excited for this holiday, but to be honest the thought of someone coming that I don’t know is making me really anxious. I want to be able to relax and I want my kids to be able to relax and even if this guy is the nicest person in the world, that won’t happen because he’s a stranger to us. I’m not against getting to know him this year incase he wants to join us next summer, but for this year I’d really appreciate it if we can leave the group as it is.’

This has actually happened to me . But not involving DC . Was me DH , BiL and SiL then SiL added her DB .I just did not enjoy the holiday . We go away with BiL and SiL alot but adding someone you dont really know isnt great we get on fine but just didnt want to go on a full holiday with him.It was dumped on us similarly to whats happened to you. . So I just wanted to empathise!

@Overthebow has sil's bro got no mates of his own??? I wouldnt like that when it had already been arranged either!! team Overthebow!

And I feel desperately sorry for people who can’t discern between reasonable caution and catastrophising.

I don't see the issue,ive been on holiday with all of SIL family also all our family went too didn't know them beforehand this also included foster children.

Say NO OP. Just say ‘sorry I am sure Bob is lovely but I donut know him and don’t want to holiday with someone I don’t know. How about you do something else with Bob on your own time’

they are Weirdos for thinking it’s ok

Your DD will react like you do. If you behave like you are fine with SIL's brother joining in, your daughter will not be fearful.

I would love the thought of welcoming my SIL's brother.
As long as you have your own bedroom you will have privacy when you need it.
Trust your SIL. She will not want to wreck everyone's holiday.
Trust that she thought about it before inviting her brother.
You will have a lovely holiday.
With young children it is always better when there are more adults on holidays - to share the cooking, sweeping, washing up, lighting of fires, packing picnics, carrying kid up hills etc. etc.

To be fair, your SIL and BIL have possibly not holidayed before with your newborn, yet they are going ahead with positive vibes to get to know her.

It is SIL's family, not a stranger. And you and DH will always be nearby.

I am looking forward to hearing about this holiday, once you return.

That is you though, OP may not want to do that
I go on holiday with people I CHOOSE to go on holiday with and adding another person without agreement (even if it was someone I knew) would piss me off.

This thread just confirms what we already know, NT’s don’t understand!!!

What do you mean by “the safety aspect” op?

I think this sort of thing, eg people asking close relatives along to a trip, is normal. I understand caution, but we can't really go through life keeping unknown people from our kids. If you're concerned, just don't leave DD alone with him, which shouldn't be difficult.

I'm NT and I wouldn't be happy with this at all. It's far more nuanced that ND/NT

My experience is that children are far more welcoming than adults. As they have no power they just accept it. They don’t have to interact with this guy other than a superficial way so it during really impact them.
However I’d at least like to meet a person, male or female, who I will be sharing a house with. That seems reasonable.

When is the holiday? Have you got time to get to know the brother? Have you never met him at family gatherings before?

I wouldn’t care about this - but if you do then you need to raise it

I agree with this totally. Some people are just more social than others.

But everyone should be polite enough to ask those they are going away with if someone else could join, not tell them it is happening. I’d like to SIL would be sorry she’d made such a faux pas

Personally, I wouldn’t be happy either. And less so if I had to share a bathroom with the unknown man.

I've had holidays like this

Sil's sister came, along with her DH and their kid

Just wtf

Then Sil's sister and her DH went and stopped in a B&B (because they couldn't cope with the noise 🧐) and left their kid with the rest of us in the holiday cottage!

They might adore him op. We have holidayed with my in laws in laws, it’s normal in my family! Just let them all hang out.

Indeed, @justupping