AIBU to contact the bride and groom re this uncertain wedding invitation?

[WayneEyre]

Family friend's daughter getting married. My mother (I am very low contact, would rather not get into this) said she was given an invitation for me but hasn't sent this/ a photo for confirmation. Relationship has deteriorated since due to her behaviour.

I do not have the energy for health reasons to get in touch with my mother.

Would it be ok to contact the b&g directly. To check whether there is indeed an invitation and the details? The issue is if my mother has made some mistake (not entirely unlikely) and the invitation was not for me. I could reassure them no awkwardness if there is no invitation, I just didn't want to keep them waiting for numbers if there is. The type of wedding means it's likely I am invited (more the merrier rather than limited places).

I don't really want to contact the MOB. Lovely but close to my mother and makes clear we are not in touch.

Definitely contact them with that explanation. Lots of money and time is spent on getting the guest list and seating arrangements sorted so they’ll appreciate it either way.

What is your relationship with the couple?
Why wouldn’t you have received an invite if you were actually invited?

Is there anyone you could contact apart from the couple? Maid of Honour? Best Man?

Yes it's fine to send a query.
something like

"Huge congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. I'm not sure if you know but I'm generally low-contact with mum these days due to some difficult personality clashes (though we're fine to get on with occasional polite contact) but it's difficult to get reliable information from her. In a recent phone call I got the impression from her that I'm invited to your wedding, but without having seen the invite I wouldn't want to turn up if not expected! If it's more that the invitation is to my mum with a "plus one" it's probably better for mum to chose someone else, but if you'd like me to join you for your special day and I am specifically invited (just that my invite got sent to mum's address) then I'd be delighted to accept. Please don't take this as fishing for an invite it I'm not already on the list, I totally understand that numbers are always limited for these things and will take no offense if you tell me I wasn't on the invitation list."

Thanks for all replies

@CurlewKate I don't really know the couple's friends, just their family. I'd prefer to either go direct or ask my mother. She will have said something face saving as to why I am not around much and I'm not looking to embarrass her.

Options I'd go with are b&g or my mother. I suppose I could ask my dad but she will be the one to reply anyway if i do. She quite often uses this kind of thing as a pretext to speak and then push for whatever response she wants.

@Sofiewoo I've only heard it from my mother that there is one for me. I haven't seen my invitation itself. I don't think they'd mind given the relaxed format but too much presumption just to roll up on the day!

Thanks @Joe7t8 and @RatedDoingMagic I might take a light touch on personal details but use that as a basis re 'i got the impression I'm invited but no bother at all of not, I just wanted to check and not leave you hanging'

Yes I would and just say what you have said here.

Don't send a load of waffle, your "light touch" plan is perfect.

It's fine to ask.

But if you are low contact with your mother (and she will be there) and you don't really know anyone else, why would you want to go?? I am not the usual wedding hating MNer. But if you only really know the B&G (who will be busy with all guests) and your mum (who you are trying to avoid), I'm not sure it would be that much fun.

Personally I would get in contact to say you are unable to make it (possibly with the caveat that you aren't entirely certain you are invited!) and avoid all awkwardness.

I wouldn’t get into any of the back story

Just “Hi Bride and Groom. Mum mentioned to me recently that she’d received an invite for me to to attend your wedding but she’s been a bit vague on the details and hasn’t sent it on to me. This isn’t a fishing exercise - I know numbers can be tight for lots of reasons and I honestly won’t be offended at all if I’m not on the list. But also didn’t want to leave you waiting for an RSVP as I know you’ll want to finalise your numbers soon. Let me know the score and congratulations again!”

I completely agree with this. However you phrase it, it's going to be awkward for the bride and groom. Why go at all?

I know you are low contact with your mum, but could you contact her first with a text.
Hi mum, when you get chance can you send me a screen shot of the invitation/details for X wedding?
Thanks.

If no reply, or a reply you don't then want to (or have to) reply to, I'd text b&g
Hi X I hear congratulations are in order.
I understood from mum that I might have been invited to your wedding, but she wasn't entirely clear to be honest.
I wouldn't want you to think me rude by not rsvp-ing if I was. Equally, I appreciate mum might have got this wrong.

I expect they will probably know your mum better then you think and will understand you asking.

I would just assume it was more of my mum's nonsense and not go.

I agree. Bypass your mum. Contact b&g along the "I don't want to leave you hanging" line, and don't go. If this were me, and the only people I'd really know were the b&g and my mum, I think the whole event would be horribly awkward and negative. You can always send a nice message/wedding gift, and catch up with the couple later.

Agreeing with the above responses, I’d say something along those lines and ask, the bride and groom will appreciate you asking, and won’t mind if your mum has got it wrong - I got married 13 years ago this year and spent weeks chasing up my husbands vast family as well as my own, sure they’d appreciate a quick message to clear up any crossed wires with everything there is to organise x

Thanks v much for further replies.

i will know quite a few others there (whom I've known all my life) and it would be nice to go. I just don't know close friends of the couple to ask and didn't really want to involve others in this request.

Things aren't such with my mother that we can't manage a day at the same wedding. She's an odd one. It's hard to explain without going into reams of outing detail. Deeply immature is probably the best catch all I can think of. But I think a wedding will be fine.

Yes, tbh I think people would get it . I think that's why I want to be discreet.and not show her up. I do feel loyalty to her still.

Some useful suggestions for wording, thanks.

Unless you are under 18 the invitation would be sent to you. Asking if you are invited does risk you looking like you are angling for an invite.

I'm told they were given (on paper) to my mother around Christmas to pass on. I've seen her briefly once or twice but she hasn't sent a picture as asked, or remembered to bring the invitation. I know the details and date, I just haven't seen the one with my name on. Which I'd ideally want before turning up at a wedding!

I do know the family well and do want to go, it's just a question of the invitation.

I wouldn’t bother the couple with this.

I don’t get the harm in asking the bride and groom tbh. They are going to have people messaging them anyway with rsvps so what’s the problem with a question.

Does it mean you'd both be at the wedding?

I would bite the bullet and message your mum asking for a screenshot of the invite as you are wondering if there is a 'gift list' or anything you need to know about.

Surely if they were given out at Christmas you will have missed the rsvp date? I think you can safely say that you are not expected to turn up.

Crikey, do not send this! What a load of waffle.

Hi Sarah, my mum said you’d given her an invitation to your wedding for me. Much appreciated, just checking she RSVP’d for me and wondering if you have a gift list? Thanks

Yeah, Shame things are the way they are but I've really tried.

I'll draft a short friendly message making clear it's fine if there have been any crossed wires. Obv they have lots on but I would want anyone thinking I didn't care to reply.

Don't send that.

(Why do MNers write these torturous fantasy communications?)