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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude Husband

32 replies

Sopshi65 · 09/04/2025 21:28

I’ve been married to my second husband for over 10 years, we each have 3 grown children (6 in total) noe together. Since the beginning I have put a lot of time and effort into building a relationship with his children,which I still have. I moved into his family home when they were teenagers, and most of the day to day care was done by me. My children are older and because of a difficult break up with my first marriage they initially found it hard to accept my new relationship . My husband has never put any effort into resolving this, to the extent my children feel uncomfortable visiting me in my own home, he ignores them, makes no conversation .. Since Covid he mainly works from home, taking over the only reception room in the house, this means my children and now my grandchildren can’t visit me in my own home. I’m so upset as he shouted at one of my children over a very minor event and is now not talking to me, I have talked to him many times about working from the spare bedroom but he refuses, I feel as he’s the main wage earner he’s using this to control me.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 09/04/2025 21:32

He's married you to look after his children, while they're in his house. He had no intention of being a step father to your children and now is actively driving them away.

It's deliberate.

Make sure that your financial position is secure, because your marriage will end at some point.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/04/2025 21:43

Why did you marry this man, knowing he was like this with your children? They deserved better

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 21:46

He married you to take care of his children. It's very common..That's why he's never made an effort with yours. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I would keep your children away from him.

Thebloodynine · 09/04/2025 22:00

Is there a reason you stay with him? You’re a grown woman. Leave. You don’t need a man 🫤

Loubylie · 09/04/2025 22:02

He sounds horrible. What's in it for you?

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2025 22:03

I learnt a new phrase on here the other week. A nanny with a fanny.

From how you describe things, it's an apt description, unfortunately.

I hope you have some financial security.

Farmwifefarmlife · 09/04/2025 22:05

Did the children also move with you when you moved in?

Doolallies · 09/04/2025 22:07

How old were your children when you moved in with him?

autisticbookworm · 09/04/2025 22:07

Exactly as the first poster said. Put your relationship with your children first and either stand your ground or leave

Original poster
Sopshi65 · 09/04/2025 22:38

No, my children were older and lived independently

OP posts:
ReplacementBusService · 09/04/2025 22:41

You really deserve a lot better and so do your children and grandchildren. He doesn't sound whatsoever likely to change, the current set up suits him. Do you have means to leave?

feelingrobbed · 09/04/2025 22:43

Yabu not to have plans to leave him as soon as you can. Even if that’s a few years away you need to start planning.

Fraaances · 09/04/2025 22:46

This is on you for perpetuating a relationship with a man who has cast you as the nanny and has dismissed your family entirely.

HaloDolly · 10/04/2025 08:35

I think some of these comments are a bit harsh OP. We all go into relationships with the best of intentions and the hope that it will work out. It’s not so easy just to up sticks again. But he is showing you who he really is with this behaviour and do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling awkward about having your family visit? In your own home, you could see them all whenever you wanted to…

MissyB1 · 10/04/2025 08:40

You have to start making plans to leave. See a solicitor to find out where you stand financially.

Fmlgirl · 10/04/2025 13:44

Something similar really ruined mine and my mum‘s relationship. She always put her new husband first. Your children should come first.

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 14:10

Think I understand the MN expression ‘nanny with a fanny’ now.

Sorry, but I’d be reconsidering this marriage. At least, as his wife not ‘partner’, you are now entitled to half the house. Think of it as a bonus for all those years of servitude you gave him.

BarneyRonson · 10/04/2025 14:12

Gosh he sounds a bit of a fail as a person. Are you sure you want to be with him, or is this a convenient arrangement that’s turned sour?

ballettap · 10/04/2025 14:36

I put YABU because I can't believe you are staying with this man. It's bad enough how he's been with your adult children, but now it limits you seeing your grandchildren?? They deserve a safe place with a grandparent who is present.

Get rid of him! He doesn't care about any of you or else he would be working towards finding a compromise with the working from home, and he would be putting effort in to your children.

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 14:43

What would your life be like if you divorced him. Already so many indicators that he is not the right man for you. What’s stopping you heaving him overboard ?

mummybear35 · 10/04/2025 14:48

Put things in place so you have some sort of financial security, speak to a solicitor for advice regarding what rights you have….and then leave! He’s a selfish arse that married you for childcare…I would never go out let alone marry a man that didn’t acknowledge my children or make an effort with them, I’d rather be on my own. You choose to stay just as you can now choose to leave..

ginasevern · 10/04/2025 14:54

You've answered your own question. You looked after his kids and the home for him (with benefits). What use does he have for your children, let alone grandchildren? I'll tell you - absolultely bloody zero. This won't change, you know that. How are you fixed financially?

persisted · 10/04/2025 15:04

So if he takes over the only reception room to work what do you do?
Are you out of work, or are you banished to the kitchen and only allowed to appear at tea break time?

Screw that. Its your home to, so you're allowed to use it as such along with your family. If he won't accommodate that time to look elsewhere.

GreenFields07 · 10/04/2025 15:13

Its posts like this that make me absolutely adamant that if DH and I ever split up, id just stay single, probably forever!! My 3 DCs would always come first and id rather be alone forever than deal with this kind of agg. Id never trust any man to care about my children enough to make it worth being with him. OP you need to leave this man, he just isnt very nice is he. What does he actually bring to the table? Probably nothing.

MyKingdomForACat · 10/04/2025 15:20

I can’t imagine having gotten involved with a man who wasn’t interested in my son. So he’s taken over your only reception room so you can’t entertain your children and grandkids? Sitting in silence like a giant child whilst hogging the only space you’ve got? Fuck that. It’d make we want to pulverise him.

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