AIBU to feel like trash after this encounter a week ago?

[ByDenimMentor]

I work as an accountant specialised in business sales and had an introductory meeting with a new client a week ago who wanted help selling a business valued at 30 million of which he owns half. This isn't uncommon but what set him apart was that he looked to be 25 at most, called me darling a couple of times and near the end when we discussed the plan going forward called me "good girl".

It took me aback and I didn't say anything at the time but I've now spent a week feeling terrible about this, not just about the comment itself but my whole life really. A first class degree from oxbridge, averaging 50 hour weeks for the last 30 years, endless stress just to get called pet names by someone half my age and far wealthier than I will ever be.

I just can't stop thinking about it but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. AIBU?

What a condescending prick.
is the business relationship continuing?

I’d have reminded him of my name and told him in no uncertain terms that I don’t answer to darling, and I’m a grown bloody women. Try not to dwell on it but if you’re going to be working with him have some quick comebacks when he starts being demeaning to you.

Yes but a colleague offered to take over for me. Here's hoping that's the last time I see him.

I spent the entire evening thinking of what I should have said :(

Thankfully a male colleague has taken over.

YANBU. That's miserable, and what an arrogant ignoramus he must be - either that or, likely, the very common put-down by men of any woman who dares stick her head over the parapet of male domains. Be angry, rightfully, then let it go. Using visualisations to do that really helps. Good on you, OP for all you have achieved. Don't let this sexist specimen take up any more of your precious headspace or 🍷time. "The best revenge is success".

What a Nob.

Maybe if you have the misfortune to meet again say "it's ByDenimMentor FCMA" to you"

Well I hate to, and rarely, talk about people as " types" but this guy is definitely a type. The important thing in his life is money. It's the only thing that makes him important. And he is aware of his own lack of substance so has to make everyone else feel inferior to help maintain his own importance. And women, in particular clever , successful women are a threat to him. And have to be kept in their place. Hence the derogatory " darling" and " good girl".

This is all to do with his insecurities. He is perfectly aware of your worth and value and it threatened him. Hence the need to try and diminish you.

I spent the entire evening thinking of what I should have said :(

I’ve been there many times, sometimes you’re just so caught off guard you can’t reply quickly. Good your male colleague is taking over - hopefully he’ll tell him why.

Celebrate all you’ve achieved, you sound very accomplished to be in a specialist role. And managed to do it without being an arsehole, so win:win.

Well, he is certainly successful but paying you for your advice.

Perhaps that’s why he felt the need to use over-familiar language. To reassert himself in some way?

I had an unsettling encounter a couple of years ago (although a different kind of situation) and it took a long time for it to stop playing in my head. But you have to remind yourself that it doesn’t touch the core of who you are.

I think YABU, because if he was a 25 year old chancer in the street, you'd have rolled your eyes, berm mildly annoyed at the cheek of him and forgotten it. Yet because the guy happens to be a 25 year old chancer who had somehow got his hands on a big chunk of cash, you are elevating him into someone who matters enough to make you feel bad about your life.

Don't want to make you feel much worse but...

If he's in his 20s, you should know that there is currently a "good girl" trend on Tiktok.

It's a sexual thing, that's come from BookTok (Erotic Fiction).

Apparently all women want to be told we're a "good girl" by a dominant man because it "sends us over the edge". It was likely very intentional on his behalf.

Feel free to vomit.

I worked with an incredibly posh older woman when I was on my gap year working as a PA, her response to being called a good girl by a male colleague was " I'm neither a filly nor a bitch, it will serve you well not to refer to me as one". He went bright red and muttered an apology and she just got on with what she was doing, that was more than twenty years ago and I still remember the tension in the room, she was my absolute hero.

Thankyou to you and everyone else who has said similar. I suppose that could be it, lots of clients don't like relying on others and you do get the occasional sexist pig. It was the sheer arrogance of it which threw me.

Just proves that there are things that money can't buy. Class, manners, etc.

I'd say you are unreasonable to be comparing his wealth at his age because you've no idea what he started with and there will eventually always be someone who's younger and richer so it's just pointless to feel that way. But definitely not being unreasonable to feel icked out by the fact he was such a creep. I think if you're going to have to deal with him going forwards you need to have some lines ready in your back pocket so you can clearly and firmly put him in his place while staying professional.

A bit off topic, but what eas the business? Also he might have inherited it?

Unfortunately there are lots of people who have little to no education, or have very little talent but make huge sums (celebrities) but are wealthy. It’s not fair, but it is what it is.

Why are you handing off a fee-earning client to another colleague? If you are the appropriately qualified person to deal with.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but I do know his background because I spiralled and spent way too long stalking him on the internet... There's an interview where he mentions that he was raised in foster care until he was 10 and owes his adoptive parents everything. It sounds about as bad as you can get compared to my upper-middle class white picket fence private school childhood which just made me feel even worse.

Thankfully someone else has taken over.

My colleague is just as qualified and offered. There's no shortage of work at the moment.

Yeah I think I'm gonna vom if that was the case. Yikes.

Another day, another misogynist.

I can still feel the rage as if it was yesterday when I think about a similar meeting I had 25 years ago. I was a board director of a large company at the time and was treated like a teenaged intern by the owner of a supply company (who was, unbelievably, hoping to sell us a product).

I was the only woman in the room and he patronised and talked over me, deferred constantly to my male colleague and at one point even squeezed my knee 🤬. At the end of the meeting I made it clear we wouldn’t be dealing further with them and one of his team actually apologised to me, but afterwards I felt much as you do now, and to a certain extent still do!

The level of misogynistic disrespect was so outrageous I was struck dumb, and I’ve relived that afternoon endlessly ever since, wishing I’d said this or that to put the oily old fucker back in his box.

And that’s what you’re stuck with - woulda, shoulda, coulda, and an overriding sense of having been treated as worthless and just allowing it to happen, never actually finding the words to reassert yourself. So for me it was a complicated mixture of anger and shame.

Try to exorcise it, OP. The cocky little twat doesn’t deserve to live rent free in your head. It’s them, not us, and the only way to take back your power is to shake it off and move on 💐

Fuck him and his poxy company. If he really is so rich at such a young age with those manners he's probably going something illegal.

“Sends us over the edge” of what? Into an incandescent rage? A murderous frenzy? Fucking TikTok 😡

Love it!