Aibu - really worried I’ve started a war

[joao2570]

so I met this woman I liked (we were both married). She was my therapist at the time and we ended up having a bit of a weird dynamic, nothing sexual happened but lines were definitely crossed, tbink whatsapping me hotels, trying to choose my nanny, wearing revealing clothing, asking me every week if I’d made my decision about leaving my husband, talking about trips we would take together etc. maybe we got a bit bffs maybe we were having an emotional affair. Idk.

My husband and I were in a very toxic relationship. He held me down and suffocated me. When I disclosed it to her, she encouraged me not to report and instead tried to help me to leave him on my terms - or so I thought.
It all came to a head. She had been encouraging me to take a trip away from my husband and children for my well-being. When I got back, my husband and I had another terrible fight and he really hurt me. I messaged her and got really angry with her. I told her I didn’t want her to be my therapist and blamed her for not reporting the initial violence. I said she had put me and my children at risk and threatened to report her. She apologised, said she had only been trying to help and then ghosted me.
A week or so later, I apologised and asked to see her again to sort it out (I felt like I’d blamed her for something that wasn’t really her fault). She ghosted me. I left my husbands, I tried to move on with my life and respected her wishes.

Five months later, she started popping up again in WhatsApp group chats (we are part of a small community, both our children were similar ages). One of them was a group for single mums. I just ignored her at first, thought she was just reintegrating in the community and tried to peacefully coexist.

Then she got weird. In a chat thread I’d already commented on, she posted about domestic violence, even though it hadn’t been explicitly mentioned. She encouraged someone to report domestic violence, the exact opposite of what she told me to do at the time. Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t in the vibe of the conversation and the other mothers shot her down. She ended up leaving this group in the end.

However she stayed in some other groups and then when my best friend asked for a recommendation, she told her to message her. This is when I snapped. I genuinely felt baited by this point - bff and I are publicly besties and everyone knows. There’s no way ex therapist couldn’t have.

I asked for a recommendation about something, framing it as a joke. I didn’t mention any names but it specifically pointed at something incriminating I knew she had done. Nobody else did and thought it was hilarious - I got a lot of laughing emoji reactions. I expected her to block me and leave the groups. She read the messages but didn’t do anything else.

My friend said that ex-therapist probably really liked me and wanted to check in on me. So I apologised and sent a very nice message to her, nothing incriminating, just offering peace and to clear the air if she wanted. She didn’t reply but on the same days is reading my group chat messages, as if to make a point of saying ‘I’m ignoring you.’ She hasn’t left groups, hasnt blocked me, hasnt sent a brief message saying ‘all good vibes let’s move on separately’ (which, considering the likelihood of bumping in to each other, imo would be the most professional thing to do).

Did I overreact in this situation? Have I been the asshole? Or was I justified? Do you think she will just ghost me again now or have I started a war? And am I being a complete drama llama about this whole thing in the first place?

she sounds awful as a therapist. Not professional nor helpful. I’m pleased you’ve decided to report her.

id also ask the regulator if they can signpost you to a resource to help you find a more suitable therapist. You’re going through a terrible time with your ex and seem to have very intense relationships (BFF, cleaner, therapist) which may or may not be helpful to you at the moment. You’re relatively young and starting a new chapter in your life, a good therapist will help you establish healthy boundaries and a strong network.

Hi thank you for all your replies and support with this.
My cleaner is not the most important woman in my life - my mother is lol! I was just very confused by some of the behaviour and wanted to know where I stood. It wasn’t my most mature moment. I was just really confused by some of the behaviour. Again with the social media joke - not my finest moment. I just felt very goaded.

i will check regarding the other licensing bodies and see where I need to report.

i also agree that I still need therapy and have been seeing a proper therapist through the domestic violence services. I will discuss this with them for more insight. Thank you again everyone

OP sounds like a very confused and borderline predatory person. The comment about “whatsapping about hotels” in the OP implies something totally different to what you said she wrote in your follow up. You made her sound sinister and tbh now I’m doubting the rest of your interpretation.

The ex-therapist clearly wants nothing to do with you. I think you should stop messaging her, stop thinking about her.

Btw if you go ahead and report her she will easily show that she stopped responding to your messages and it will look like you are doing it in revenge.

To be honest, if I had a cleaner who could sort my sty of a home out, I think I would rank them pretty high on my list of VIPs 🤣. Just look after yourself and don’t open yourself up to drama you absolutely don’t need.
This is really positive; a therapist who has come recommended and who is less embroiled within your close community will be much better placed to support you impartially. Wishing you lots of luck ☺️

I know very little about therapists/ therapy but your therapist does seem to have crossed a line with you.
However I think you are framing what happened to fit your narrative trying to imply that the therapist was attracted to you.
You say she was suggesting hotels (I felt you were saying that she was suggesting you go away together) but later clarify that she merely gave you recommendation for a hotel in a place she had already stayed in and that you were going to visit.
You say imply she was trying to get you to change your nanny because she was jealous of the "hot" nanny you had. You later say that you confided in her that you were scared you would lose your nanny if you split from your DH and didn't know how you would cope. In response to that she sent you a link for a nanny website.
You imply she was dressing in revealing clothes to attract you. Do you think she may just have been dressing how she likes to dress? She would have presumably worn those clothes all day, not just for your session.
A number of months after your professional relationship ended she joined a couple of local groups you were also a member of. You felt some of her comments were directed at you and so you tried to reach out to her and she didn't reply. This upset you and you baited her. She didn't bite but removed herself from the group. This also seems to have upset you.
You were upset that she contacted your friend in response to your friends request in one of those groups for a recommendation and somehow feel it was about you?
If you are going to make a complaint as others who know a lot about therapists say you should please be careful that you don't lose the importance of what actually happened in trying to exaggerate/ imply some kind of attraction or affair.

No therapist or doctor has ever Whatsapped me hotels. Personal communication outside the appts is not appropriate.

Agree – the way it was written did seem to suggest something much more dodgy – like the therapist wanted to spend a weekend away with OP – however sending hotel recommendations is crossing a boundary as well. It blurs the distinction between professional relationship and friendship and confuses the relationship. The therapist should be maintaining firm and clear professional boundaries.

This 100%.

So leave the groups. 🤷‍♀️

You seem very very vulnerable op. You are in a violent relationship and you really need help with that situation, I would suggest woman’s aid for advice. Re your therapist yes she has crossed boundaries, the relationship between you should be confined to the hour appointment of therapy you have there should be no social blurring of any lines. She should have left any groups you were a part of as soon as she realised you were there to protect herself if nothing else. There is a very unhealthy slant to your posts and you seem very invested in this relationship with this woman. Please get some further help from a reputable therapist to help you move forward with your unhealthy violent relationship with your husband.

Apologies I see you left your husband already.

So I sent her an email about how much I adored my cleaner (a very hot 20 something who is like my surrogate daughter) to see how she would react and she tried to get me to sack her.

You both sound completely deranged.

She may have behaved unethically, and you have behaved childishly. You sound emotionally immature, but then, you’re getting therapy so are trying to develop yourself. She doesn’t have that excuse.

I would follow her lead and just stop communicating with her. Trying to bait her in the group was ridiculous. She is not going to come begging for friendship / forgiveness. Stop obsessing about her and delete her number. Have a really hard think about whether an objective outsider would have interpreted what she said and did the same way that you did.

If she has done anything objectively wrong, you can report her. Above all, get a new therapist, outside your community groups.

My opinion on the therapist aside, this is weird and unhinged. You're being incredibly unprofessional with regards to your cleaner. Look at your own boundaries.

So I sent her an email about how much I adored my cleaner (a very hot 20 something who is like my surrogate daughter)

You are too emotionally invested with her still. Otherwise you’d be ignoring her and not interacting with her in social media. Be civil in person if you ever collide, but get her out of your headspace generally.

you don’t want drama? then just don’t react to anything she posts on the groups whether positive or negative. Just move on with the help of your new therapist.

I'm sorry that all of that happened to you, and sorry that you had an apparently incompetent/inappropriate therapist instead of the support you needed at the time. I'm not even necessarily referring to her supporting you in not reporting your husband's abuse, which could have been a reasonable response in context - but when she knew that her relationship with you was becoming personal rather than professional/objective/therapeutic, she should have referred you to another therapist.

It's completely up to you if you report her, but please just cut contact with her, for your own sake. And stop worrying about what she might be saying to other people about you, because (1) she probably isn't, and if she is then (2) most people have some ability to judge character and probably know full well that a therapist talking about her former patient is not a credible person.

(edited for typos)

It's like she is trying to trick the therapist which is so weird in itself. And she comes across like a stalker .
If she has reported her then I hope she understands she doesn't come across very good at all also. Especially towards her cleaner. Who is an employee not a friend.

WTF.

Why were you emailing your therapist about your surrogate daughter who is your cleaner who you found hot?

This has got to be a wind up.

It is hard to tell without knowing the full story from both sides. However red flags are definitely up and multiple ethical breeches. Ethical therapists do not tell people what to do, they support the client in the empowerment building process so that they can make their own decisions. However when a client is at risk of harm or harming others there is a professional obligation to act depending on the situation. Very baffling behaviour and I am also unclear as to what is it that you are seeking in relation to her. If there is a case for reporting you have to think not just about this woman's circumstances but also the clients who will interract with her in the future. I struggle to understand from your posts what is happening with the chat groups, however if she happens to be part of certain groups in the community and she does not mention that she was your therapist I don't see an ethical breech there. If you see a local therapist and it's a relatively small community it is likely you will cross paths, what is important here is the conduct of the therapist, maintaining strict confidentiality and appropriate professional boundaries
Also when you talk about vibes, know that in therapy there is the transference and countertransference that are quite normal and clients can perceive these in different ways. Again it is the therapist's job to maintain healthy boundaries and address any such issues both with client and in their suppervision. Definitely more clarity is needed as to what is happening there before jumping to conclusions, perhaps you can discuss it with someone in the know and look at each aspect separately.

Regardless of OPs comments about her cleaner, hotel recommendations or anything else, this therapist should be reported for advising a victim of DV not to report a violent crime against her...that's the glaring thing to me...for that alone she sounds dangerous and other vulnerable clients need protecting from her.

This sounds very messed up, I live in a small community and unless I wanted to drive an hour each way for sessions, I had to accept I would see my therapist around the place and potentially in social settings. In my very first session, she told me this was a common issue. How I responded to seeing her was entirely up to me, I could smile and quickly say hello, I could ignore her completely, pretend we had never met if needed etc.
Theirs a fair few years' age difference between us so thankfully we have never met in a situation where we can't escape each other but when we have seen each other in restaurants, school gate, supermarket etc. I have opted for a polite hello as I would with any acquaintance and moved on. I completely trust that if we ever end up at the same party or gathering etc she will follow my lead and remain completely professional regardless as to whether I was crying in her office an hour earlier or not. She is a really cool woman with some shared interests of mine and if she wasn't my therapist I would love to be her friend but not once have the boundaries ever become blurred or have the interests been discussed beyond 5 minutes of small talk at the beginning of a session e.g. 'how was your weekend, I went hiking here ... oh wow I love that hike have you tried this one its similar etc.'
It seems your therapist has let those boundaries blur and that is not a good thing, as others have said it is her job to ensure any mixed feelings do not get allowed to develop into something or become misunderstood.

Is she a member of a professional body? If so you should report her and she should lose her membership.
She has been unprofessional and behaved dangerously.
People like her give therapists a bad name

She was inappropriate but it must be odd to have a therapist in the same small community as you. Embarrassing even. You can't really be friends with a therapist, that's not their job. She should have known that, but you initiated conversations with her about your cleaner to "see how she would react", isn't that a bit weird? And why the bitchiness on the group chats? You seem slightly obsessed with her. Hence boundaries being so important in therapy. I'd suggest getting a proper therapist and archive/mute group chats involving her.

I agree providing that it is true and that is the whole picture. Reading all the follow ups I am starting to doubt the info given is accurate.
DV is one of my main areas of interest I am very passionate about as a coach and therapist. Therapists can only do so much, you cannot force someone to leave their abuser, it is heartbreaking to watch. Something feels odd to me about this story.

You seem obsessed with her and she is sensibly trying to distance herself from you. I think the therapist would strongly deny any sort of emotional affair. That just you flattering yourself.