Aibu - really worried I’ve started a war

[joao2570]

so I met this woman I liked (we were both married). She was my therapist at the time and we ended up having a bit of a weird dynamic, nothing sexual happened but lines were definitely crossed, tbink whatsapping me hotels, trying to choose my nanny, wearing revealing clothing, asking me every week if I’d made my decision about leaving my husband, talking about trips we would take together etc. maybe we got a bit bffs maybe we were having an emotional affair. Idk.

My husband and I were in a very toxic relationship. He held me down and suffocated me. When I disclosed it to her, she encouraged me not to report and instead tried to help me to leave him on my terms - or so I thought.
It all came to a head. She had been encouraging me to take a trip away from my husband and children for my well-being. When I got back, my husband and I had another terrible fight and he really hurt me. I messaged her and got really angry with her. I told her I didn’t want her to be my therapist and blamed her for not reporting the initial violence. I said she had put me and my children at risk and threatened to report her. She apologised, said she had only been trying to help and then ghosted me.
A week or so later, I apologised and asked to see her again to sort it out (I felt like I’d blamed her for something that wasn’t really her fault). She ghosted me. I left my husbands, I tried to move on with my life and respected her wishes.

Five months later, she started popping up again in WhatsApp group chats (we are part of a small community, both our children were similar ages). One of them was a group for single mums. I just ignored her at first, thought she was just reintegrating in the community and tried to peacefully coexist.

Then she got weird. In a chat thread I’d already commented on, she posted about domestic violence, even though it hadn’t been explicitly mentioned. She encouraged someone to report domestic violence, the exact opposite of what she told me to do at the time. Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t in the vibe of the conversation and the other mothers shot her down. She ended up leaving this group in the end.

However she stayed in some other groups and then when my best friend asked for a recommendation, she told her to message her. This is when I snapped. I genuinely felt baited by this point - bff and I are publicly besties and everyone knows. There’s no way ex therapist couldn’t have.

I asked for a recommendation about something, framing it as a joke. I didn’t mention any names but it specifically pointed at something incriminating I knew she had done. Nobody else did and thought it was hilarious - I got a lot of laughing emoji reactions. I expected her to block me and leave the groups. She read the messages but didn’t do anything else.

My friend said that ex-therapist probably really liked me and wanted to check in on me. So I apologised and sent a very nice message to her, nothing incriminating, just offering peace and to clear the air if she wanted. She didn’t reply but on the same days is reading my group chat messages, as if to make a point of saying ‘I’m ignoring you.’ She hasn’t left groups, hasnt blocked me, hasnt sent a brief message saying ‘all good vibes let’s move on separately’ (which, considering the likelihood of bumping in to each other, imo would be the most professional thing to do).

Did I overreact in this situation? Have I been the asshole? Or was I justified? Do you think she will just ghost me again now or have I started a war? And am I being a complete drama llama about this whole thing in the first place?

There is so much that is messed up about this. Start to finish.

I'm a retired BACP therapist.

Her behaviour is appalling and completely unethical. If. She is breaking these boundaries I'm quite sure she is also acting unethically in other ways. She is dangerous. You should 100% report her. I don't see why her having children should have an influence on that?

Is she a qualified psychiatrist?

She sounds terrible and I would report her what she did but I also think you need to stop contacting her for your own good. Im
not sure why your friend told you ‘she must really like you’. Your friend sounds like a bad or naive friend.

I’m sorry you’ve been through what you have, and that you were given such poor - and potentially dangerous - advice about not going to the police.

However, I do think you need to continue to reflect on your own behaviours and attachments as your relationship with your cleaner sounds incredibly intense. She’s a cleaner who is paid to come to your home and clean. Yet you’ve described her as the most important woman in your life, as someone you’re very close with, that you fuss over her like a mother and so on…none of this is conventional and it sounds to me like you really need to seek out a decent, regulated therapist who can help you to work through these things. Your ex-therapist may have recognised you had a seemingly unhealthy attachment to your cleaner and suggesting alternatives may have been her clumsy way of trying to help you with this.

Whether intentionally or not, you’re trying to “smoke out” your previous therapist and goad her into some kind of reaction. It would be much healthier for you to focus on what your future will look like, and how you can proactively work towards peace and happiness.

It is entirely down to you how you choose to proceed with reporting the therapist. It seems boundaries were blurred in some respects that she could potentially talk her way out of, but advising you not to report violence in your marriage could’ve had horrific consequences. Seeking another therapist could really help you to talk this through.

I wish you luck, but do consider how you view your cleaner, as I’m concerned this could be a whole lot of other trouble just waiting to happen.

Good. I’m glad you’re going to report her. You will be in a position of power and that is where you want to be. Not to have power over people, rather to take back the power that you gave away to you stbexh and this ‘therapist’ woman.

It all sounds very unprofessional in her part, but also that you have been playing weird games on WhatsApp groups recently - stop engaging with her!

Can I check one thing though? Several people have commented about her persuading you not to leave your partner, and you seem to have agreed with them, but I thought you said she did want you to leave, it was reporting him she hasn't done, and I assumed the asking every week if you had left was because she thought you should?

I assume she should have reported either way for safeguarding, but persuading you to stay would be much worse again.

I think you both lack boundaries OP.

However someone who has seen two therapists before I’m horrified at what you describe. I felt very close to my therapists but it was a professional relationship where I was paying them to listen to me. Paying them being the important bit. It was not an organic friendship and neither was yours. You need to keep reminding yourself of that. You were paying her money. And she overstepped a boundary.

Their mother should have thought of them before crossing all kinds of professional boundaries. She should definitely be reported.

It sounds like you both have crossed a lot of lines. You need to block and distance yourself. It's easy to not be in these Whatsapp groups . Life went along just fine before WhatsApp. You will cope.
And yes you do have to take some responsibility for staying with your ex h.
You new already she didn't have your best interests and even a good therapist is not responsible for the choices you make.
And no she isn't good at her job . But after witnessing the type of people on degree courses to be a therapist first hand then I suspect that a lot of them have very questionable moral codes .

A therapist can't stay in the same WhatsApp groups as a former client! That alone is a reason to be struck off.

It sounds like she became over invested and had stepped into self disclosure with hotels etc. I would report it. Erotic transference can occur in the counselling room which may be why you were confused. You were vulnerable and her priority should have been your safety.

So do you want her to abuse other clients like this? She is way out of order. Reporting her won’t harm her children. It’ll mean either that she’ll have to get some training and therapy about keeping boundaries with clients, or have a career change.

This.
OP, you need to find yourself another therapist. I hope you find someone who is professional, competent, and who doesn't cross boundaries.

It sounds like you’ve got entangled with her, trying to bait her and second guessing how she feels about you. You also sound entangled with your cleaner - maybe a pattern for you to look at.

The therapists boundaries seem very blurred too and are has professional standards which are in place to prevent that kind of entanglement. It’s up to you whether you decide to report her.

In terms of going forward, either you leave the WhatsApp group or stop interacting with her/baiting her in the groups. In small communities it’s easy to come across your therapist in daily life, she should have ways of dealing with that (eg not messaging you directly, not forming a friendship), but you also need to take some responsibility and leave her alone.

lf she is a full member of the BPS she is not a therapist although she might describe herself as such but she is a psychologist.

It sounds like she has gone way over the boundary in particular by being in a group Whatsapp with you and telling you not to report your husband - if she actually did that rather than saying you don't have to report him as one among many options. Therapists are not friends but might be friendly, which is different. My therapist might recommend things to me for instance because that's signposting but she'd never let me feel like we're friends, join the same social groups, wearing revealing clothes, choose my nanny (although she would help explore pros and cons of each), make me question the dynamic etc.

I'd report her because she needs to reflect on where she draws her boundaries.

@joao2570 you were in an abusive relationship and this women tooke advantage .
I feel now she is watching you and possibly wants your life . It’s all very creepy.
She has crossed lines and of this was a man I’m sure you would see it clearer or maybe you wouldn’t.

Have you sought out “proper” therapy for your abusive marriage ? It think you need to as you could end up being taken advantage of further more and getting into more abusive relationship/situations

💯

You say BPS.

British Psychological Society?

They no longer hold the professional registration for Clinical Psychologists. It’s now the HCPC that regulate the practitioner psychologists.

As a psychologist you can become ratified by the BPS but they don’t oversee practice governance any more.

The BACP are the main regulatory body for other therapists/counsellors.

It is essential that when practitioners are registered with these bodies that we report unprofessional or unethical practice. This is so that clients are protected, practitioners are safe and effective and so that we all can retain trust in different professions.

So if they are registered with the HCPC or BACP then please, please get in touch with them. It’s so important.

If she is only registered with the BPS then she may simply have a psychology undergraduate degree (and possibly further qualifications). This is not against the rules. ‘Psychologist’ is not a protected title. Clinical
Psychologist and Counselling Psychologist are.

It’s so important to use these regulatory bodies and if she is just with the BPS please let them know. It’s useful information about why we need better understanding that the word ‘Psychologist’ on its own is not protected.

Was she actually a therapist or someone who did a days course in therapy ?

therapists are normally really boundaried. I was told if they saw me in real life they would pretend they didn’t know me and politely excuse themself so to avoid making me uncomfortable. They were really good at explaining how it works.

I do think you should report her because unlike in normal relationships, the onus for maintaining the boundaries is on the therapist. So this level of blur and confusion is a fail on her part professionally.

I completely agree with this.

You sound fixated on your therapist, which is common and I think you should read up and reflect on this. I think she has been unprofessional for instance in messaging you on a friendly basis with a hotel recommendation. However, I also think that its a big reach to think a hotel recommendation for a place you've said you are going to visit means she fancies you or that her wearing 'sexy' clothing (whatever that is) was entirely for your benefit. Also, her being in a community wide group chat for single mothers is reasonable. She has already blocked you and not responded to your further messages so goading her on a community group chat is not fair. The way you speak about your cleaner is also far from normal. I think there's a lot going on here and you need to take some responsibility and gain some insight. I do hope you get the help that you need.

She crossed a line and you developed an emotional attachment. If you do not report her, you need to block her on everything and get this narcissist out of your life

You need to just cut her out of your life altogether. Even if she's generally a nice, fun person the intrinsic abusiveness of exploiting the vulnerability of someone she was supposed to be acting as therapist to is sickeningly unprofessional. It doesn't matter that you were willing and happy to participate, it's still abusive because you wouldn't have responded the same way if it had been a normal friendship. Therapists are given a huge amount of trust. We open our deepest selves to them after the briefest of acquaintance because they can help, but she exploited that trust. She is not a good person, no matter how likable she seems.

She needs to be reported.

She is a professional and as such should not be allowing you to think of her as even a friend. If the client tries to cross that line, the professional should shut it down, not giving personal contact details or acceping friend requests etc. and explaining the boundaries in person.

The onus in directing the relationship always has to be on the therapist, because clients, by their very nature, are having difficulties.

She's dangerous and has abused her power in an unequal relationship. She needs to be reported.

Did you pay her for therapy sessions?