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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If boyfriend doesn’t watch porn, he will pester me

49 replies

donameli · 09/04/2025 15:45

BF and I were talking about porn, he watches it most days we’re not together. We see each other about 2-3x per week.

I have never asked him to stop watching it, but I commented that I found it unattractive and that is is an ‘ick’ for me. He said that he can stop wanking, but it’s mean he would be pestering me for sex more often and he doesn’t want that.

AIBU to be grossed out?

OP posts:
Original poster
donameli · 09/04/2025 15:46

Should add his sex drive is quite a bit higher than mine.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 09/04/2025 15:51

Not sure what the answer is - he carries on and you’re not happy because he’s wanking and that’s an ick for you.

Or he stops and you’re not happy because he wants more sex from you…..

I think you’re gonna have to have a proper conversation about whether you’re sexually compatible because it seems like you have totally different desires and expectations in this area and it’ll cause conflict if you don’t sort it out now.

Dotjones · 09/04/2025 15:58

Are you fine with him masturbating if he didn't use pornography?

The two don't necessarily go hand-in-hand (sorry). But would him masturbating while mentally picturing something in his head be any better? I think you need to consider your position on this, is it the pornography alone you have a problem with or do you feel he shouldn't need any other stimulation other than he may get directly from you?

I'm not sure which would bother me more to be honest. In a way stimulating oneself with a mental image may be worse than someone using pornography, because they are more personally involved.

Couloir · 09/04/2025 15:59

He said that he can stop wanking, but it’s mean he would be pestering me for sex more often

He sounds like an animal, tbf.

Leafy74 · 09/04/2025 16:01

You are stupid if you stay with him.

What do you think he'll be like just after you've had a baby?

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 16:02

I’ve always wanted sex as much as / more than any of my partners, so being ‘pestered for sex’ by a boyfriend doesn’t really compute with me. Sex isn’t some sort of gift that I reluctantly bestow on my partner as a treat or out of obligation.

Did you ask him outright if he watched porn or did he volunteer the information? You’re entitled to find it unattractive but ultimately, if he doesn’t live with you, how are you actually going to know if he’s using it or not? (Spoiler alert: he is going to watch it when he’s alone whether you like it or not and you’ll be none the wiser.)

If you can’t be with someone who watches porn then you’re entitled to end the relationship. I don’t think you’re entitled to tell your partner what he should and shouldn’t be doing to get himself off in the privacy of his own home. You can’t reasonably stop him having a wank or control what he wanks to, so ultimately you have to decide how much this matters to you.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 16:04

donameli · 09/04/2025 15:46

Should add his sex drive is quite a bit higher than mine.

You’re not compatible.

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 16:08

I wish people would stop normalising porn. Porn Hub had to take down the vast majority of its content as it was unverified/underage/non consensual. A lot of porn is done with trafficked and underage women and girls. It’s a deal breaker for me. Would not be with a man who uses porn, goes to strip clubs etc women are not commodities

GildedRage · 09/04/2025 16:08

Dump find someone who’s interests are more similar to yours.

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 16:11

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 16:04

You’re not compatible.

Show quote history

This.

If you are having issues now things will get worse, end it early and find someone else.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 16:14

He can continue to masturbate without porn.

Ace56 · 09/04/2025 16:26

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 16:02

I’ve always wanted sex as much as / more than any of my partners, so being ‘pestered for sex’ by a boyfriend doesn’t really compute with me. Sex isn’t some sort of gift that I reluctantly bestow on my partner as a treat or out of obligation.

Did you ask him outright if he watched porn or did he volunteer the information? You’re entitled to find it unattractive but ultimately, if he doesn’t live with you, how are you actually going to know if he’s using it or not? (Spoiler alert: he is going to watch it when he’s alone whether you like it or not and you’ll be none the wiser.)

If you can’t be with someone who watches porn then you’re entitled to end the relationship. I don’t think you’re entitled to tell your partner what he should and shouldn’t be doing to get himself off in the privacy of his own home. You can’t reasonably stop him having a wank or control what he wanks to, so ultimately you have to decide how much this matters to you.

This. You don’t get to decide what he does in his own home, in his own time. And you won’t even know anyway 😂 End it if it’s such a big deal to you.

The13thFairy · 09/04/2025 16:28

Or he could wank without it! Ta-da!

MissMoneyFairy · 09/04/2025 16:30

He can do what he likes in his own home but if you see sex as him pestering you then maybe time to part, you're not compatible sexually.

Orangemintcream · 09/04/2025 16:31

I could not be with someone who would “pester” me for sex. Because I am not a wank sock.

He sounds awful. What will he do if you don’t want sex ?

Missedthis · 09/04/2025 16:33

Are you ok being with someone who gets off looking at women who may have been exploited, trafficked or otherwise harmed?

Or who uses that as a lever to coerce you into having more sex?

I wouldn’t be.

CurlewKate · 09/04/2025 16:34

Porn and wanking are not mutually exclusive….

CurlewKate · 09/04/2025 16:36

I mead-does he think people didn’t start wanking til about 20 years ago?

BeckieG · 09/04/2025 16:42

Honestly, don’t stay with a man with a really high sex drive unless you do too.
It will be a problem for ever.

ballstomonty · 09/04/2025 16:47

There is a difference between someone pleasuring themselves, which is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do and getting off to the abuse and objectification of women. Why was his response to you saying you find porn an ick that he can stop wanking but it means he will pester you more for sex? He sees women as sex objects, you included.

YourOpalCat · 09/04/2025 16:53

You have multiple issues here. He's only your boyfriend and having sex with him when you see him 2 or 3 times a weeks already sounds like it's too much for you

Both of you will end up miserable.

The other issue is the porn.whats your issue with it? Are you jealous or is it a moral issue? Because if he stops (and you'll never know if he does) he still wants to use it. So the moral issue is still there. He still thinks it's ok.

If you're jealous, that's whole other kettle of fish and I'm not sure how you get around him 'cheating' with his own hand!

Eta I wouldn't be with someone who agree to not punch kittens in the face because I said I'd have more sex with him iyswim. We'd still be morally incompatible.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 16:58

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 16:08

I wish people would stop normalising porn. Porn Hub had to take down the vast majority of its content as it was unverified/underage/non consensual. A lot of porn is done with trafficked and underage women and girls. It’s a deal breaker for me. Would not be with a man who uses porn, goes to strip clubs etc women are not commodities

It's fine if it's a dealbreaker for you. It's fine if it's a dealbreaker for the OP. We all have our own lines in the sand. I have no problem with my partner watching porn - it's not something I question him about and I don't think it's any of my business. I would, however, find it deeply unattractive if he went to a lapdancing club. And if he was interacting with performers online - eg messaging camgirls or OnlyFarns performers with requests of whatever - I'd consider that cheating. We all have our own boundaries.

The OP can leave her boyfriend over this if she wants to. It would be reasonable of her to leave him, if she doesn't feel she can be with someone who watches porn. She's just not entitled to tell him what material he can and can't wank to, and then just expect him to be OK with that.

She says they have mismatched sex drives anyway, so it doesn't sound like a relationship that's going to work in the long term.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 17:07

The13thFairy · 09/04/2025 16:28

Or he could wank without it! Ta-da!

He could, yes.

But personally if a boyfriend told me "I've decided that it's OK for you to masturbate in the privacy of your own home on the nights we're not together, but not if you enhance it by watching/reading/listening to material I personally dislike" I would think he was being unacceptably controlling and intrusive, and I'd tell him to get lost.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 17:13

CurlewKate · 09/04/2025 16:36

I mead-does he think people didn’t start wanking til about 20 years ago?

Obviously it's perfectly possible to have a wank without porn.

But porn isn't a new invention. Pre-internet it was very, very common for men (especially single men) to have a stash of magazines.

MightyGoldBear · 09/04/2025 17:28

Head over to reddit love after porn op there is great support and resources.