If boyfriend doesn’t watch porn, he will pester me

[donameli]

BF and I were talking about porn, he watches it most days we’re not together. We see each other about 2-3x per week.

I have never asked him to stop watching it, but I commented that I found it unattractive and that is is an ‘ick’ for me. He said that he can stop wanking, but it’s mean he would be pestering me for sex more often and he doesn’t want that.

AIBU to be grossed out?

He gets sexual gratification from women being abused, exploited and violated.
And he uses your body in just the same way: as a means for sexual relief.
Why would you want to be in a relationship who view women as only fit for one purpose.

End the relationship. Masturbation remembering you or even an ex girlfriend, done in private is one thing, watching porn and all the exploitation/trafficking/normalisation it brings is another.

Urgh, he sounds like a total bellend. I would honestly not be able to have sex with someone like that ever again, I'd rather go without.

I hate porn but I also realise it's not possible to police someone else's use of it. I would just find his using it to bully you for sex so unattractive I would never be able to go near him again.

Dump him and find someone with more intelligence and class.

Give this poster a medal 🏅 thank you

This needs to be an ex-boyfriend, surely? He sees himself as entitled to use women for his own needs. If he wants a wank (and who doesn’t sometimes) he can use his imagination. The fact he treats you as a wank sock as a PP said tells you all you need to know. Find a man to go out with, not a porn-addled twerp.

The way he is talking is gross. He sounds like an animal. He's basically telling you he needs to get himself off daily with or without you. It's just a crazy way of talking and highly unattractive. Sex isn't all about him either, he doesn't have to have sex with you more often if he's not flogging his horse, that's just disgusting. What do you see in him? Ew. I've got the ick just reading about him.

As someone who has been married 14 years, I'd like to operate under the assumption that you and your boyfriend will have a long happy relationship together!

So, here's a possible suggestion: Flip the whole thing on its head. Tell him that you want him to bring all of his dirty fantasies to you, his partner.

It's already a great thing that you are talking openly about porn! That's relationship honesty! So, maybe, the next time you are in the bedroom, encourage him to be honest and open up to you. Fight through the "ick" aspect and consider this: If you tell him that you think his deepest, nastiest sexual desires are hoteven if you just mean that it's hot that he's being honest with youwell, now you're offering him something that porn just can't give him: Erotica focused around the woman whom he truly cares about.

And THEN, it becomes incredibly easy for you to say, "And now, instead of logging on to your computer when you're away from me, I want you to close your eyes and imagine ME in that fantasy." As a man, I am telling you: If he HEARS YOU say the words of his dirty fantasy back to him, he is very, very likely going to take you up on this offer.

Heck...I'm telling you: this works SO well that, if there's ever a moment during those 2-3 times a week when you see him when you're just not "in the mood", all you have to do is sultrily whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry, I'm tired, but I want you to go to the bathroom right now and think about your naughty schoolgirl fantasy, and imagine me in it, being so bad for you. I want that for you, right now." Boom. Problem solved.

This isn't removing porn, this is replacing porn...with you. This is you being a super partner and making the effort to go meet him on his male turf. And in exchange...well, what do you want? More romance? Him centering your needs in bed? Pick a thing you want, and then tell him. He's GOING to want to give it to you, because you took this step for him:)

JFC what did just read.

and what if the porn is choking, anal etc should OP do that too?

Naughty schoolgirl fantasy WTF?

Also, what if his fantasy involves an exploited woman being degraded and harmed? Should she encourage this also?

😂

@jeaux90 sorry, X posted with you

Yanbu for being grossed out. Everyone has their own personal views on porn, positive or not. But you don't get to dictate if he masturbates or not and what he gets masturbates to. That's extremely controlling. Imagine being told you couldn't use your vibrator, or being told what fantasies you can and can't get off to. Partners just don't have the right.

Certainly, whatever partners choose to fantasize about in the bedroom is their own business, not mine. The schoolgirl was just an example of a common male fantasy:)

Unfortunately, we've reached a place where so many men seem to be taking their sexual fantasies far away from the person who is most important to them. And then, there is this male echo chamber in which the fantasies only get more exploitative...and as others have pointed out, within porn, this often leads to women being exploited.

It's not my business to say what other partners do or don't find hot in their own bedroom! I would say that in the case of my own marriage, my wife doesn't remotely have any interest in fulfilling the vast majority of my fantasies! But she knows about them, and supports the fact that I share them with her...and I love her all the more for it.

He only seems to see one purpose for women, doesn't care if they are willing, being exploited etc. Dump him, find someone better

She won't find a man that doesn't watch porn, unless she wants one with no libido and therfore unable to put out for her.

Couldn’t disagree with you more re encouraging fantasies about women being degraded and harmed. And it takes about 3 seconds of critical thinking to see why “naughty schoolgirl” is problematic- it’s irrelevant that it is a “common male fantasy” - maybe ask yourself why that is.

This 👏🏻

It’s one thing not liking something, another to control someone’s sexual behaviour.

Apart from the illegal (obviously), I don’t believe it’s appropriate to tell someone else what to do with their own body.

I apologize for referencing a specific example that some may find problematic. That's my fault.

I absolutely agree that the porn world is rife with degradation. I would love to see more honest private conversations about deep sexual fantasies between couples because I believe this honestly will help bring male sexual fantasy away from a male echo-chamber and back between loving couples who can shape it in the way that is healthiest for them.

Ew

It's not about his body though is it if women are being exploited what about their bodies? And how is using a vibrator in any way similar? The op said she found him getting off to porn an ick and his response was to say that if he didn't do that then he would pester her more for sex, like she isn't a human being in her own right with her own sexual agency! It's not about policing what he does with his body he wants to control and use thw op's body. To all the posters saying its controlling to say someone can't masterbate, this is true 100% but it's OK to have a boundary regarding porn, you also don't seem to think it's controlling for him to say 'well if I don't get to wank to abuse then I'll just pester you' this man is a rapist, no one should be pestering anyone for sex. It should be a mutually pleasurable activity in which both parties are willing participants.

He absolutely shouldn’t be pestering anyone, but OP can (and should IMO) have a boundary around being pestered and talked into sex, and if that doesn’t stop - leave him.

She also can leave him for watching porn. And masturbating. You can leave someone for any boundary or any reason.

You can’t tell someone what boundaries to have, or what to do with their own genitals. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I commented earlier but quite frankly we need to stop normalising men watching this shit. Apart from the obvious (a lot of content is non consensual and trafficked women and girls) why have we made this ok? Vast majority of women don’t watch porn and don’t need it for self care. Quite frankly WTF is wrong with these men! I want to be with a grown up not a porn addled twit with no self control.

So grim.
Dump OP.

Nice to know a common male fantasy is underage children. Is that meant to not give women the ick?