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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Blues

48 replies

Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:37

AIBU…

Woke up this morning to find a group chat had been started by my BIL about a family staycation 2025.

It had already been agreed where we are going and that DH and I would be paying for SD (30), her two kids and SD (21) because they are not working.

This is the first I had heard of ANY of it, the holiday, the payment etc. I would definitely NOT agree to this as they are both not working by choice. To wrap context around this, the 30 year old doesn’t work, lives with her mum, and has full time childcare which is paid for, so she is not SAHM. The 21 year old has failed uni and refuses to take any job other than the one her degree would have qualified her for but she also lives with her mum and is still having maintenance and her phone paid by my DH.

DH and I have had a conversation before about family holidays and agreed that the adult ‘kids’ should be working and we should not be expected to pay for them.

Additionally, I am already missing my brother’s 50th due to costs which are a lot lower than those of this staycation - which currently totals at £3k for a weekend!

DH not only says it is unreasonable of me not to pay, but takes absolutely no accountability for arranging an entire holiday and volunteering me to pay for it, when I am already missing my brother’s 50th. I have said we can manage the expenses for us and two younger kids (16 and 14) but that there is enough time between now and August for the adult kids to get some work and save to come with us. After all, if you don’t work, you won’t be able to afford holidays!

I have refused to pay on the basis that neither of them
are trying to work.
My husband says I am being a bully and treating the girls unfairly. I feel this is hardly the case when my son (17) is having to work to pay for his boys’ holiday this year. I think we should treat the kids equally and teach them all the value of money, rather than just lying around expecting their lifestyles to be funded.

DH has threatened to divorce me over this and says he isn’t willing to discuss it. My position is that my time and finances are being controlled and I am not willing to contribute - possibly not even to go - on the holiday which I have had no involvement or consultation in the planning of.

AIBU???

OP posts:
Tomatoeplants4sale645 · 09/04/2025 15:41

Go to your brothers 50th instead ?

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:43

Tomatoeplants4sale645 · 09/04/2025 15:41

Go to your brothers 50th instead ?

I was told we don’t have the money for it but obviously we do! To be honest my thinking is that I’ll just book my brother’s 50th and take the younger kids!

OP posts:
Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:44

Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:43

I was told we don’t have the money for it but obviously we do! To be honest my thinking is that I’ll just book my brother’s 50th and take the younger kids!

Show quote history

Genuinely, this is what I would do.

He and his family are taking the piss.

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:45

Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:44

Genuinely, this is what I would do.

He and his family are taking the piss.

Show quote history

To be fair, I think his family thought I knew!

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 09/04/2025 15:46

Your DH sounds horrible! Why do you want to be married to him never mind go on holiday with him!

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:47

PinkyFlamingo · 09/04/2025 15:46

Your DH sounds horrible! Why do you want to be married to him never mind go on holiday with him!

Yeah, well for a plethora of reasons I am feeling the same. I didn’t get an apology. I just got told to f… off and that I was creating drama.

OP posts:
Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 09/04/2025 15:49

I can't believe you (or anyone) would entertain this.
So, tell DH no, you won't be either going or paying for any of this nonsense. The end. Ffs. 🙄

5128gap · 09/04/2025 15:50

Is your husband expecting you to pay for all of this from your own money? Or when you say 'I' are you talking about joint money, or half the cost? Either way, he is completely wrong in not discussing it with you and you are within your rights to refuse. But if its the first, that adds another layer because he is not only controlling but exploiting you. In the highly unlikely event he divorces you he may be doing you a huge favour.

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 15:50

30!! I mean really? She’s 30 and he thinks it’s ok to pay for her holiday. Farking hell.

Ilikewinter · 09/04/2025 15:51

So your DH has threatened to divorce you over this ..... I'd call his bluff then - very much doubt he'll go through with that, but in your shoes I would!
Hell would freeze over before I paid for the adult kids to go on holiday

PinkyFlamingo · 09/04/2025 15:51

Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:47

Yeah, well for a plethora of reasons I am feeling the same. I didn’t get an apology. I just got told to f… off and that I was creating drama.

Show quote history

That's awful, I'm sorry.

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:51

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 09/04/2025 15:49

I can't believe you (or anyone) would entertain this.
So, tell DH no, you won't be either going or paying for any of this nonsense. The end. Ffs. 🙄

That’s what I said and it’s all been flipped on me. Apparently I am breaking his heart (his words, not mine). We only ever see both SDs at birthday and Christmas. This has been going on years and he is constantly paying for their ‘affection.’ The 21 y/o has just had a £2.5k birthday party…

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:53

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 15:50

30!! I mean really? She’s 30 and he thinks it’s ok to pay for her holiday. Farking hell.

Edited

She has never paid for a holiday for her or her kids. Is always posting on Facebook with pictures of exotic places with quotes like ‘I wish someone would take me here.’ It’s honestly baffling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:53

Ilikewinter · 09/04/2025 15:51

So your DH has threatened to divorce you over this ..... I'd call his bluff then - very much doubt he'll go through with that, but in your shoes I would!
Hell would freeze over before I paid for the adult kids to go on holiday

Yeah, the mood I am in, I would follow through!

OP posts:
FleaBeeBob · 09/04/2025 15:54

The SD will be on benefits and will have the money, no way would I be paying for an adult or their kids to go away with me. Just be honest and tell them they’re taking the piss

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:55

5128gap · 09/04/2025 15:50

Is your husband expecting you to pay for all of this from your own money? Or when you say 'I' are you talking about joint money, or half the cost? Either way, he is completely wrong in not discussing it with you and you are within your rights to refuse. But if its the first, that adds another layer because he is not only controlling but exploiting you. In the highly unlikely event he divorces you he may be doing you a huge favour.

He’s expecting me to pay half. But what I don’t understand is that I already work 2 jobs. Am I supposed to take on a 3rd job so that his adult daughters can behave like WAGS?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:56

FleaBeeBob · 09/04/2025 15:54

The SD will be on benefits and will have the money, no way would I be paying for an adult or their kids to go away with me. Just be honest and tell them they’re taking the piss

And she lives at home with mum so no loving expenses!

OP posts:
Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:57

Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:55

He’s expecting me to pay half. But what I don’t understand is that I already work 2 jobs. Am I supposed to take on a 3rd job so that his adult daughters can behave like WAGS?!

Show quote history

Clearly yes, he does.

Fuck that shit.

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 15:58

Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:57

Clearly yes, he does.

Fuck that shit.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t mind but I have ongoing health issues and it is really difficult for me to work 2 jobs and run the home. I couldn’t possibly work more than I do 😢

OP posts:
Lyannaa · 09/04/2025 15:59

Going against the grain, here but I can see your DH’s pov - he wants all of his children to be able to go away, together. He doesn’t want to take the children you have together and leave the others out.

Since this is a big family holiday, then I can see how he might come to this conclusion. To be fair it’s much easier for you to be critical of his dds not working because you aren’t their mum. Perhaps you’d feel differently if your kids were in this situation.

At the end of the day, if he is going to pay for it then you can’t stop him. Is this situation really worth a divorce?

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 16:04

Lyannaa · 09/04/2025 15:59

Going against the grain, here but I can see your DH’s pov - he wants all of his children to be able to go away, together. He doesn’t want to take the children you have together and leave the others out.

Since this is a big family holiday, then I can see how he might come to this conclusion. To be fair it’s much easier for you to be critical of his dds not working because you aren’t their mum. Perhaps you’d feel differently if your kids were in this situation.

At the end of the day, if he is going to pay for it then you can’t stop him. Is this situation really worth a divorce?

If he is going to pay for it then fine.
But I am being told we can’t afford to go to my brother’s 50th which costs less than this.
I wouldn’t mind if the girls were working hard, applying for jobs. It can be tough out there for jobseekers. But they aren’t. They’re eating out and restaurants and having their lashes done, using other people’s money, which really changes the landscape of things.
SD 21 just had a huge 21st party, costing £2.5k which I contributed substantially towards and this hasn’t been acknowledged or thanked. Both girls only text when it is their birthdays or Christmas and they come over for gifts, so it’s not like they’re close.
He is upset at being used but it’s like it’s too much for him to face/approach them about. It’s sad because he is trying to buy affection. Each time, he is treated worse!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 09/04/2025 16:06

Can’t he pay for them himself if he wants them to go? Just say no to paying for them and send money for your share only, DH can sort the rest from his own money.

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 16:08

Overthebow · 09/04/2025 16:06

Can’t he pay for them himself if he wants them to go? Just say no to paying for them and send money for your share only, DH can sort the rest from his own money.

He wouldn’t accept that.

OP posts:
Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 09/04/2025 16:08

Regardless of whether SD works or not, or can pay or not. Who wants their DH to dictate and plan their holiday, who's going, etc, then ask them for money to pay for it? With no choice or input on decisions? Seriously. No chance.

Original poster
Scaredstressed · 09/04/2025 16:10

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 09/04/2025 16:08

Regardless of whether SD works or not, or can pay or not. Who wants their DH to dictate and plan their holiday, who's going, etc, then ask them for money to pay for it? With no choice or input on decisions? Seriously. No chance.

Yes. If I am not half-involved in the planning then why am I suddenly half-involved in payment? I feel like I am just being used.

OP posts: