Holiday Blues

[Scaredstressed]

AIBU…

Woke up this morning to find a group chat had been started by my BIL about a family staycation 2025.

It had already been agreed where we are going and that DH and I would be paying for SD (30), her two kids and SD (21) because they are not working.

This is the first I had heard of ANY of it, the holiday, the payment etc. I would definitely NOT agree to this as they are both not working by choice. To wrap context around this, the 30 year old doesn’t work, lives with her mum, and has full time childcare which is paid for, so she is not SAHM. The 21 year old has failed uni and refuses to take any job other than the one her degree would have qualified her for but she also lives with her mum and is still having maintenance and her phone paid by my DH.

DH and I have had a conversation before about family holidays and agreed that the adult ‘kids’ should be working and we should not be expected to pay for them.

Additionally, I am already missing my brother’s 50th due to costs which are a lot lower than those of this staycation - which currently totals at £3k for a weekend!

DH not only says it is unreasonable of me not to pay, but takes absolutely no accountability for arranging an entire holiday and volunteering me to pay for it, when I am already missing my brother’s 50th. I have said we can manage the expenses for us and two younger kids (16 and 14) but that there is enough time between now and August for the adult kids to get some work and save to come with us. After all, if you don’t work, you won’t be able to afford holidays!

I have refused to pay on the basis that neither of them
are trying to work.
My husband says I am being a bully and treating the girls unfairly. I feel this is hardly the case when my son (17) is having to work to pay for his boys’ holiday this year. I think we should treat the kids equally and teach them all the value of money, rather than just lying around expecting their lifestyles to be funded.

DH has threatened to divorce me over this and says he isn’t willing to discuss it. My position is that my time and finances are being controlled and I am not willing to contribute - possibly not even to go - on the holiday which I have had no involvement or consultation in the planning of.

AIBU???

Well he'll just have to.
Don't go. Don't pay. Go with your brother, have a nice time.

Yeah, that’s not fair - I agree.

Certainly not. It's completely unacceptable either way. I thought it possible he was exploiting you further by expecting you to pay for all of it, which makes a bad situation even worse.

Like I say, not treating kids unequally at all. My son (coming up 17) wants a boys holiday this year and he is working to pay for it. It was tough finding a job but he has been okay with labouring on a building site and working in a chippy etc.
But they aren’t looking for work!
The eldest has a ft paid nursery place for her younger child and the other is in school, then childminder paid for by her dad. So there is absolutely no reason not to apply for jobs!

It's not for him to accept. You are in control of your own time and money. Just say no.

I’ve said no. It’s been met with accusations of not wanting to spend time with his family, treating his daughters unreasonably, being sworn at, being sent pictures of his middle finger and threats of divorce.

Your husband is a total mug and those girls will be laughing at him, he would not get a penny from me towards his lazy and selfish daughters!

Pictures of his middle finger. How can you genuinely want to be in the same room as this delinquent child?? No wonder he raised such arseholes given that he is one.

Christ, you really aren’t going to miss him, are you?

What a wanker.

Time for legal advice. I suspect this will get very nasty rather quickly. If you have any joint accounts you might want to consider removing your share of assets.

Yeah. It’s juvenile. He always behaves like a child when he doesn’t get his own way.

So your holiday has been arranged without you getting a say? Nope.

Funny thing is he’s totally different with the boys. 🙄
and with me…

Let him crack on with the divorce then.

That’s a great summary.
It was his reaction to being called out on it which was worse than the original misdemeanour.

You can bet your ass his daughters won’t be over here cooking him dinner 😂

They are taking the piss

I would 100% divorce him

Definitely feel like people have divorced for less than what I put up with.

Are you on something? A 21yo and 30yo not working is ok with you? These two lumps expecting holidays paid and lifestyle funded, is just unacceptable

He doesn’t get to tell you where to go, when to go, or who with. Or what you choose to spend your money on.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Well, apparently I think I am better than everyone else and I am the issue.
He has form for making arrangements or organising my life then gaslighting me for being ‘so controlling’ the moment I ask about it. Apparently I am a bully for pushing back on this holiday.

Honestly, let your husband follow through with “the divorce”! He sounds like a waste of space.

You aren’t being controlling. You aren’t the one telling people you’ve organised their holiday and they have to pay for other adults. He is. He’s the controlling bullying fucker in this scenario.

You are simply placing a boundary about what you will do.

He is right about one thing though, you are better than all of them.