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Original poster

Any psychologists out there? MiL’s birthday

39 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 09/04/2025 11:08

I am happily married to a really decent guy. He goes away occasionally maybe two or three times a year. He was also best man to his cousin a couple of years ago. I on the other hand go away a lot.

Admittedly I usually take our two girls with me but sometimes I don’t. I go with my mum, cousins, friends. He never, ever objects ever. If it’s not convenient for him either with work or a clash of some sorts he asks his mum.

Recap. Good guy , pulls his weight. Really generous. I go away a lot, he never ever objects.

Why am I beside myself with jealousy that he’s going away with his two sisters for his mother’s birthday? It is to a really good destination but it isn’t that that’s bothering me . I don’t know what is. I know I am unreasonable.

Can anyone elucidate for me?

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 09/04/2025 11:09

Fear of missing out?

TidyDancer · 09/04/2025 11:12

Are you particularly stressed or busy at the moment?

WimpoleHat · 09/04/2025 11:14

This will sound a bit harsh - for which I apologise! But are you one of those people who’s basically addicted to travelling? And you’re therefore jealous that he’s getting to do it while you’re left holding the fort (even if it is usually the other way round?). One of my parents is like this: quite literally can’t just be at home for any period of time. (Could give you any amount of cod psychology as to why that is, but I’m pretty sure that is what it is…)

stanleypops66 · 09/04/2025 11:14

Is it because he’s spending time with other important females in his life? Does he ever take you away?

Anonym00se · 09/04/2025 11:14

He gets the opportunity to go with you when you go, but the invitation hasn’t been extended to you when the shoe is on the other foot? You feel excluded maybe?

5128gap · 09/04/2025 11:17

You're jealous that he has a family who do these things and you don't? It underlines that he has another family away from you? The trip sounds brilliant and you'd like to do it? Its the sort of thing you want him to experience with you, not anyone else?

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 09/04/2025 11:22

I know I am unreasonable.

I am under no stress.

He isn’t invited when I go as it’s just women.

When I go away it’s because my cousin gets massive discounts… almost always in England with two ‘partners’ in France and Ireland.

We have holidays together with our girls and went away together for a wedding before Christmas,

They are going to New York where I never been but It’s not that.

Honestly I am not a jealous person but I can’t shake this off. I feel really pathetic.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 09/04/2025 11:22

5128gap · 09/04/2025 11:17

You're jealous that he has a family who do these things and you don't? It underlines that he has another family away from you? The trip sounds brilliant and you'd like to do it? Its the sort of thing you want him to experience with you, not anyone else?

She goes away with her mum and cousins.
No idea why you feel like this but you need to get over it and not say anything.

5128gap · 09/04/2025 11:23

Sorry just noticed you do go away with your family. Not jealousy then. I'd have said more possessiveness and/or feelings of exclusion.

5128gap · 09/04/2025 11:25

lazyarse123 · 09/04/2025 11:22

She goes away with her mum and cousins.
No idea why you feel like this but you need to get over it and not say anything.

Show quote history

Yes, I misread initially that she didn't. She is trying to get over it. Understanding the reasons for it is important to help her do that.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 09/04/2025 11:26

stanleypops66 · 09/04/2025 11:14

Is it because he’s spending time with other important females in his life? Does he ever take you away?

I would think it's this. Whats your relationship like with his mum and sisters?

Spirallingdownwards · 09/04/2025 11:26

It's the destination probably. As you said somewhere you would love to go with him but he is going with them. And FOMO.

NY is fun but overrated if it helps!

Book somewhere nicer for you both to go to look forward to!

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 09/04/2025 11:27

We could go to New York together (with a bit of saving) but I want to wait until the girls are a bit older. I don’t think it’s the location I am jealous of.

If the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn’t be in the least bit bothered.

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 09/04/2025 11:28

He goes away far less so you’re less impacted and now you’re feeling what it’s like for him more often. I guess it’s an unfamiliar feeling You have to suck it up .

QueefQueen80s · 09/04/2025 11:31

WimpoleHat · 09/04/2025 11:14

This will sound a bit harsh - for which I apologise! But are you one of those people who’s basically addicted to travelling? And you’re therefore jealous that he’s getting to do it while you’re left holding the fort (even if it is usually the other way round?). One of my parents is like this: quite literally can’t just be at home for any period of time. (Could give you any amount of cod psychology as to why that is, but I’m pretty sure that is what it is…)

I was thinking the same, it sounds like OP goes away an unusual amount. Yet says her husband going 3 times a year is “occasional”, that’s a lot.

Watermill · 09/04/2025 11:33

You asked for a psychologist response.

There is a lot of research into the psychology of being the one who leaves and the one who is left. The power is always with the one who leaves. This applies to a wide range of situations, working away, long distance relationships, various forms.

Give it a google if you think it will help.

Coffeeishot · 09/04/2025 11:33

It honestly sounds like you are offended because it's not about you, all your other trips are about you and your happiness so this isn't about you and it's really upsetting for you. It might be worth working it out with yourself.

Zeitumschaltung · 09/04/2025 11:36

There's a particular feeling at home of being out of sync when one of us is looking forward to a nice weekend and the other will have unrelenting drudgery. It's easier when you're riding the same wave. Could it be something like that?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/04/2025 11:40

@Notmotherofflowergirls I dont understand why you dont go on holiday together as a family?????

JustMyView13 · 09/04/2025 11:43

I think you’re feeling like this because DH is going to NYC with his DM & DSIS. This is gonna be a fab trip, you’re missing out and deep down you know it.

But I do think if your family dynamic is otherwise good, I am unsure why there was never a suggestion of you going too. (Childcare reasons?) Maybe that’s what you’re a bit miffed about.

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 09/04/2025 11:43

We do go away together as a family at least once a year with the exception of one year when we had an extension built.

OP posts:
Delorest · 09/04/2025 11:48

Whats your relationship like with MIL and SIL?
Whats his relationship like with his DM and DSs?

Why did you mention that your MIL sometimes has your girls when you are away - is this connected to your feelings?

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 09/04/2025 11:56

I have a perfectly normal relationship with my MiL and sisters in law. I am closer to one of them as she has kids the same sex as mine so often go to events together.

I only mention my MiL having my daughters when my DH couldn’t have them.

OP posts:
PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 09/04/2025 11:59

Could it simply be then, that on this occasion you feel a bit left out?

trivi · 09/04/2025 12:05

Perhaps you don’t like the thought of DH having a nice time without you. Maybe you want to be the only person to create those memories he will look back on fondly? Maybe you want him to miss you when you’re not together but understand he will probably be so busy and enjoying himself that he may not even have the chance to miss you?