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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL / FIL Visiting HELP ME

41 replies

NameChangeAgainShhh · 09/04/2025 07:51

Please help and tell me I am being unreasonable and give me your avid solution ones brain can not see.

MIL / FIL visiting Saturday they’ll arrive at 10am. Me and my toddler have lived three Saturdays by this point. When the visit they just want to sit and talk. Toddler who has been up three hours by this point is now climbing the walls. I am desperate to get out the house!!! I’ve suggested it. They complain. DH is great and also wants to get out the house. When toddler goes for their nap at 1ish me and DH split chores and then get an hour to chill. Nope parents stay and complain if we’re trying to do anything. My DH explains it has to be done as when do they expect us to do to. Parents live 10 minutes away. I work Sunday and this is our only family day.

I hate it! How do you all cope?

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 09/04/2025 07:53

If they live 10 minutes away, why do they come so early?? What time do they stay till?

Crazybooklady · 09/04/2025 07:54

I cope by doing what I want to do & not be dictated to by my In-Laws. I used to be like you. You don't have to explain yourself to them. Go out when you would normally go out, if they want to join let them, if they don't, let them.

Iamstumblingin · 09/04/2025 07:55

How often does this happen?

FortyElephants · 09/04/2025 07:56

Why do they come for so long if they live ten minutes away? Arrange to meet them in a local park at 10 for an hour, then go home - each of you - separately

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:57

Can they come later for tea? DH can tell his parents they are welcome for 4pm. Preferably not every week.
You can do everything beforehand & then actually sit & chat which is what they want.

Start arranging some days out. You shouldn't have to host them all day every Saturday.

lifemakeover · 09/04/2025 07:58

Agree with PP - if they are 10 mins away why arrive at 10 and stay so long? Why not meet them at a local cafe/walking route etc go for a walk, have a cup of tea after, wave goodbye and go your separate ways.

Even better dispatch DH with toddler to their for a few hours and you have some peace and quiet.

I live close to my ILs and the main advantage of being so close is there is no need for intense, lengthy visits.

Heronwatcher · 09/04/2025 07:59

It’s your house/ life!!! Use your words.

”Right, Bertie needs some fresh air, we’re off to the playground, feel free to join us”
”Ok I’ve got to get X, Y, Z done now or I will be up until midnight, feel free to help or pop into the garden/ other room with a drink.”

Either just ignore complaining or explain that this is what a busy family life looks like and they either have to roll with it or you won’t be at all offended if they want to visit from 4/ 5pm for an hour when you MIGHT have a bit more time.

DappledThings · 09/04/2025 07:59

If your plan is to go out why don't you just do that? Why are you suggesting it rather than just explaining that's what is happening.

WonderingWanda · 09/04/2025 07:59

Tell them you are going out and that you will drop round to them on your way home. Invite them to meet you somewhere if they want and if not tell them to come by for tea. You will actually have to explain to them that you don't want to sit indoors all day Saturday.

Swiftie1878 · 09/04/2025 08:00

Just do what you need to do and blank out their comments?
Use the garden instead of the park perhaps?

What do they like to do? Can you fold one of their interests into your plans? E.g garden again - if they like gardening and your dc can play in the garden, that’s two birds with one stone.

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2025 08:00

Go out with your toddler before they arrive.

It's nice that grandparents want to be involved, but it has to be a positive involvement, not create more problems.

So do what you would normally do, especially if these are regular visits.

lifemakeover · 09/04/2025 08:01

What is your DH's take on it?

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2025 08:03

You're adults.

Why are they dictating your day?

Give them advance notice that you're going to the park at 10.30.

LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 08:03

Do your in laws really want to see you? Can't you cancel Saturday and rearrange for Sunday. You'll be working. Leave your DH to deal with your DC and his parents expectations

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/04/2025 08:20

LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 08:03

Do your in laws really want to see you? Can't you cancel Saturday and rearrange for Sunday. You'll be working. Leave your DH to deal with your DC and his parents expectations

This is what I would do. Go out early, do your family activities, come back after lunch and tidy up. They can watch you tidy, or help or come on Sunday.

LilacPony · 09/04/2025 08:24

Your DH should pop in on Sundays say 3 weekends out of 4 instead. 1 weekend out of 4 it’s a Saturday so you see them too. Would be my suggestion

GooseAttack · 09/04/2025 08:30

You take the kids to the park and give DH the gift of child-free time with his parents in the morning if they insist on staying so long. They can help with ‘his’ chores…

thepariscrimefiles · 09/04/2025 08:33

Tell them to come on Sundays when you are at work. Your DH can deal with them.

If your toddler is climbing the walls, you should take them out. Your PILs can complain all they want, but it's your house and your child. They don't get to dictate that you sit at home all day when they come round.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/04/2025 08:33

Do they come every Saturday? Can't they come on a Sunday sometimes to be there with your DH and DS when you are at work?

Daisyvodka · 09/04/2025 08:36

Have you ever tried saying 'oh, we're all family though aren't we, we can just slot in where needed, you know what it's like with kids in the house, never get any time - the kids are so happy to see you, I'll leave you to play then we'll catch up once I've done xx'
And 'oh we need to get out or she will sleep terribly later, I've already told her she could take nanny to the park with her and she's so excited'
You know, sort of breeze past it. If they say 'no, we want to sit and chat' you can say 'we can do that at the park!'

I'm assuming they are the sort of people who think it's rude to not sit and let them hold court during visits? What exactly do they say when they complain?

EnjoythemoneyJane · 09/04/2025 08:37

I cope by saying no.

No, you can’t come round today, sorry, it’s not convenient.

No, we’re not going to spend the day here, we had plans to go out so we’re going. Feel free to come along or to go home, whichever you prefer.

No, we don’t have time to sit chatting. This is our one day to get stuff done so that’s what we’re doing. Feel free to help us, or watch the kids, or go home, whichever you prefer.

You’re adults in your own home - they can’t just rock up whenever they fancy and expect your world to revolve around them. If it’s a regular pattern they’re in, you need to break the cycle - don’t let them come every week (preemptive phone call to say you’ll be out or whatever), make plans to meet up with them elsewhere or see them outside of their regular ‘slot’, get them used to calling ahead or making arrangements with you rather than just assuming they can turn up at the same time each week and take over your day.

The one caveat is both you & DH need to be on the same page, but it sounds like you already are.

MargaretThursday · 09/04/2025 08:38

Go out at 9.30.
Ask a tame neighbour to nip out and say you've gone all day, and text you when they've gone.
And if they turn out at the end of the day you're going to friends for dinner.

MissDoubleU · 09/04/2025 08:41

“We are not up for visitors this weekend as we are spending our only family day together out and about, enjoying the good weather.”

Or
”we will be there at 10am Saturday.”
can be followed by the full sentence
”No.”

Watermill · 09/04/2025 08:50

I agree with everyone else. You sound like a doormat.

Tell them you need to be out with toddler so you will meet them at the park at 10am. Then cafe, then they can piss off home as you have lots of jobs to do.

You don’t have to be so passive.

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 08:56

You've had lots of good advice here. You don't need to be so passive, arrange to meet them outside of your house, at a time that suits you. Its a good job your DH is on board ......