To Put My New Career First?

[CosmicScouser]

Okay, not sure what to think? What to do? What to accept?

*Me 35F, him 45M
*Neither have kids, neither of us want kids
*Me never married, him divorced in 2021 after 1 year separation
*His marriage was brief. Like, 18mos. He admitted he settled. His family were against him marrying and it caused him a lot of upset at the time.
*We have been together since 2021
*We get on very well. We just 'flow' together. He makes me laugh loads (he's hilarious), I have fun with him, I like just simply being in his company, he doesn't get on my nerves.
*We don't live together. I own my house outright.
*He owns his own house with a small mortgage.
*I pushed for marriage after 3 years and he squirmed and pussyfooted about instead of just telling me "yes" or "no"
*This greatly upset me and so I called it off
*He was devastated and seemed to go into one big wallowing self pity spiral without me, which frankly I didn't have any sympathy for - he shouldn't have messed me about, should he?!
*However, I missed him so terribly. He feels like family to me. I tried dating other people but... No one sparks me like him.
*We got back in touch. Literally just simply being able to catch up with him properly, gave me such a rush. I just love him.
*We got back together
*Several times I have said "do you want to live together one day?" and he has said, "yeah"
*However, he never pushes for this or bings it up himself
*I have had a nightmare with jobs. An actual nightmare. Job after job not paying me right, or deducting my pension but not putting it in a scheme, or not allowing me annual leave. I decided last year to get qualified for another career
*I started new job. It is essentially a self employed role within a firm. I am basically starting up my own business. I am working Mon-Sat, and then doing some WFH for a few hours on a Sunday. This is only temporary until I am set up (July)
*Once I'm settled in, I will still be working a fair bit, but still with work life balance. The job has potential to be very lucrative
*The job is extra important to me because of the horrible history I've had with other jobs up to now
*I am only three weeks in. He told me he is worried about me working too much. I told him it's only until July. (He has an okay job but is not driven in the same way that I am. I'm okay with that.)
*I got annoyed. I think because I was preempting he was gonna suggest I start working less, so we could spend more time together
*I told him I want to work hard so we can buy a cute little detached bungalow together with a nice garden and that's how I envision our future together.. spending sunny days together in the garden
*I asked him if he ever thinks about the future
*He said he doesn't know what the future looks like and said "do we live together? Do we not?"
*I was like, "..wtf.....????"
*I told him, fine- I'll buy my own bungalow, and there's no way I'm gonna work less to achieve that, just to spend time with someone who won't even promise me a future
*Now he is sulking and we haven't spoke for two days.

I feel so p'd off. It's so annoying because I want to be with him, but I want a stable, secure future with a husband, or at least someone who can say "I want to live with you, always". Essentially, my own "family" without the kids (I am happy with nieces and nephews).

Also, I know that if we part now, he'll be moping about and telling me how upset he is without me.

I can't make sense of it. I don't know whether to stay or go??? WWYD?

OP, it sounds to me as if he wants to keep his options open and be the one who calls the shots, he doesnt sound as if he is partner material from what you have relayed here.

I dont know how many times he has to tell you, but this guy isnt interested in a stable future with you. Stop wasting time on him.

Thanks for your responses.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me.

I guess I'm delusional...!!!!

Dont listen to what he says. Look at what he does.

Thank you

I have to have my self respect. Clearly, he did not respect me

I feel okay right now. Especially as I'm so busy. But I think the sadness will hit me

Go. Go. Go.

You have one life OP, go and live it and you will meet someone who treats you as their cherished partner, not as an option.

I don't think it's to do with respect. He's had his marriage , and likes being with you just not all.the time living together.

Well it all went pear shaped for him quickly first time and marriage/divorce isn't cheap. Have you discussed how living together would look financially? Would you both be selling up to go all in on one property? Or renting out one of yours?

It's probably less a you thing more a he wants to be 100% sure he's not making a bad choice again.

I do feel disrespected because he says "yes" one minute when I ask him if he wants to love together one day. And then the next minute he says "do we live together? Do we not?" like as if we'd never previously had the other conversation.... I find it baffling that he thinks that's okay, and that I wouldn't feel disrespected by that

Sometimes I think he just smiles and nods to keep the peace, until I essentially 'pin him down' to an answer, at which point he starts squirming.

Well. It is what it is.

I can't believe he doesn't want sunny days in a bungalow with me! More fool him

Well. I have more money than him. And I like making money myself, I'm not the type to swindle someone else.

And I think after 4 years at this point in life surely you should at least be able to say "yes okay, in 6 months time we can make a practical plan for how and when we can love together". That's all I'm asking for right now. Not to actually do it now, but to plan it now (well, in a few months)

Thanks.. maybe.
I find it hard to imagine clicking this much with someone else. Especially the humour.

Like, I find it offensive that's he's so far from being 100% that he would risk hurting me so much! Nothing in life is 100%
But I am 100% that I can't stay when he is like this.
So there's some certainty for him, I suppose.

Also, he should have learnt his lesson from his first marriage. He knows it wasn't a real love.
I find it hard to sympathise when he doesn't seem able to reflect and build self awareness
if he did, maybe he would be able to see what we have is so much different

Sorry. I'm venting. I'm just annoyed

It sounds like, you will need to choose between a relationship with him or a potential future with someone else who actually wants what you want in terms of marriage and living together. Obviously the second isn't guaranteed. Only you can make that choice. But I wouldn't be settling with someone who doesn't want the future I want.

He seems flaky. Focusing on your job sounds sensible.

If he did panic at the thought of you leaving and agreed to move in / marriage, you can guarantee the story will be you pressured him and he yet again settled

Thanks, all.
I just needed confirmation, really.

Thank you.

Bed time now. New day tomorrow....

If he wanted to plan a future with you then he would be planning a future with you.

Life is short, don’t waste your wonderful self being with someone half in!

He can still love you and want to be with you but not on terms that work for you. You deserve better.

OP, the fact that you have your own home with no mortgage, and have started your own business, means that financially you are able to be completely independent. So while I can understand your wanting to have a life partner, I don't really see why you can't be happy to settle for what this man appears to be willing to give you. It doesn't appear as if you want to have children with him, you don't need him to support you financially, so don't you think that maybe you're actually better off to just see each other when it suits, enjoy each other's company, but maintain your independence, and be free to walk away at any point if things go wrong. I'm in my 60's and over the years have spoken to many couples who I'm sure would have been much happier if they'd continued to live in separate homes, and just see each other when they wanted to, and had the time to do so. When you're married, things go wrong all too often because resentment builds up about silly things, for example, 'HE' doesn't put the bins out when you ask him to, and 'YOU' don't wash and iron his shirts the way his Mum did, or you're a spender and he's a saver, or he wants to watch football on TV, but you'd rather go out, silly stuff, but when you're together 365 days of the year, these are the sort of things that do cause problems and wear away at your happiness. Even if you were to marry, there's no guarantee that you would stay together, so why not just accept the relationship, which you clearly enjoy, for what it is? After all, as things stand, if you're feeling miserable or fed up, and just want some time alone, you can have it, but equally, you can spend a lovely day together, and go back to one of your houses, choosing to stay over or not, you have CHOICE, but once you're married, he's there, whether you want him to be, or not.

Just for your information, I'm a happily married woman and have been for 32 years, so you might think it's weird me suggesting that this may be a good thing to do. However, naturally there are times when we get on each other's nerves, and because we're married and live in the same house, we have to find a way of getting past these little niggles, which sometimes we can, and at others it develops into a full scale row, whereas if we had separate places like you and your man friend do, we could just go home and see each other again when the mood had changed.

Have a think about it, not living together may not be such a bad thing as you think.

It's a funny thing but you can be so in love with someone and think you'd fall apart if they left you, but then you do break up or they severely let you down and you come to realise that actually you can survive very well without them. That makes you stronger and less tolerant of their bs the second time around, if you've decided to try again.
The way I see it is he hurt you the first time with his inability to commit, he's spun you some lines about how he loves you but the actions aren't following the words and you are understandably hacked off and more willing this time to cut him loose. Because you know you'll ultimately be fine!

My honest opinion is that if a man isn't willing to commit properly by now, then it's because he doesn't want to, not because he's confused or doesn't believe in marriage or any of the other rubbish they say. It's because he's not so in love with you that he wants to make a solid commitment and wants to keep his options open.

Frankly, if what you want is a husband and to firm your own proper family unit with him, you are unlikely to get it from this guy, who doesn't even want to live with you at some vague point in the future! You can do better

You’re so young! Sounds like you’re not on the same page. He’s done the marriage and living together and doesn’t want it again. Cut your loses and move on.

You are absolutely right to focus on the new job. In terms of living together I don’t see the rush. You have a good relationship. My partner and I been together over 5 years, we don’t live together. Everyone is always in a rush to conform. I don’t get it.

I'm sure he would like sunny days in a bungalow with you OP. My guess is the problem is he can't cope with you having more money and being more successful than him.
Perhaps he's trying to keep you hanging to give him time to figure out a way to subordinate you so that he's in charge of things and here's the one with all the power.

He clearly doesn’t want to build a settled, married future with you. If you’re happy to have a casual relationship while you focus on your job then crack on, but for goodness sake don’t let him dictate anything about how, where or when you work given he’s unwilling to make the slightest commitment to you in return. If what you want is a supportive partner to grow old with in your sunny bungalow, he is not the one.