Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To Put My New Career First?

36 replies

CosmicScouser · 08/04/2025 22:18

Okay, not sure what to think? What to do? What to accept?

*Me 35F, him 45M
*Neither have kids, neither of us want kids
*Me never married, him divorced in 2021 after 1 year separation
*His marriage was brief. Like, 18mos. He admitted he settled. His family were against him marrying and it caused him a lot of upset at the time.
*We have been together since 2021
*We get on very well. We just 'flow' together. He makes me laugh loads (he's hilarious), I have fun with him, I like just simply being in his company, he doesn't get on my nerves.
*We don't live together. I own my house outright.
*He owns his own house with a small mortgage.
*I pushed for marriage after 3 years and he squirmed and pussyfooted about instead of just telling me "yes" or "no"
*This greatly upset me and so I called it off
*He was devastated and seemed to go into one big wallowing self pity spiral without me, which frankly I didn't have any sympathy for - he shouldn't have messed me about, should he?!
*However, I missed him so terribly. He feels like family to me. I tried dating other people but... No one sparks me like him.
*We got back in touch. Literally just simply being able to catch up with him properly, gave me such a rush. I just love him.
*We got back together
*Several times I have said "do you want to live together one day?" and he has said, "yeah"
*However, he never pushes for this or bings it up himself
*I have had a nightmare with jobs. An actual nightmare. Job after job not paying me right, or deducting my pension but not putting it in a scheme, or not allowing me annual leave. I decided last year to get qualified for another career
*I started new job. It is essentially a self employed role within a firm. I am basically starting up my own business. I am working Mon-Sat, and then doing some WFH for a few hours on a Sunday. This is only temporary until I am set up (July)
*Once I'm settled in, I will still be working a fair bit, but still with work life balance. The job has potential to be very lucrative
*The job is extra important to me because of the horrible history I've had with other jobs up to now
*I am only three weeks in. He told me he is worried about me working too much. I told him it's only until July. (He has an okay job but is not driven in the same way that I am. I'm okay with that.)
*I got annoyed. I think because I was preempting he was gonna suggest I start working less, so we could spend more time together
*I told him I want to work hard so we can buy a cute little detached bungalow together with a nice garden and that's how I envision our future together.. spending sunny days together in the garden
*I asked him if he ever thinks about the future
*He said he doesn't know what the future looks like and said "do we live together? Do we not?"
*I was like, "..wtf.....????"
*I told him, fine- I'll buy my own bungalow, and there's no way I'm gonna work less to achieve that, just to spend time with someone who won't even promise me a future
*Now he is sulking and we haven't spoke for two days.

I feel so p'd off. It's so annoying because I want to be with him, but I want a stable, secure future with a husband, or at least someone who can say "I want to live with you, always". Essentially, my own "family" without the kids (I am happy with nieces and nephews).

Also, I know that if we part now, he'll be moping about and telling me how upset he is without me.

I can't make sense of it. I don't know whether to stay or go??? WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 10/04/2025 19:29

PeloMom · 08/04/2025 23:26

He can still love you and want to be with you but not on terms that work for you. You deserve better.

Thanks for the responses all. I've been a bit busy working, and having been thinking about the situation and also your replies.

He is still sulking.

PeloMom, yes, I think this is one of the main points, for me. It's like the whole relationship is run how he wants things to go. That's partly why I feel disrespected.

OP posts:

ZanyCritic · 10/04/2025 19:39

I'm married. I wanted children, so I needed the security. This was especially important because we're from different countries and marriage is accepted wherever we chose to live.

If I was financially secure and had no desire for children I can't imagine what I'd get out of marriage other than the risk of losing half my house when it went wrong (and statistically there's a damn good chance it will). I get why you want to live together and you should make it clear that's your goal and your time frame for this happening is XYZ. But marriage won't mean you're more likely to stay together or mean anything at all really for you will it? Unless you're extremely religious?

ZanyCritic · 10/04/2025 19:42

Oh and of course, prioritize your job!

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 10/04/2025 19:49

BakelikeBertha · 08/04/2025 23:27

OP, the fact that you have your own home with no mortgage, and have started your own business, means that financially you are able to be completely independent. So while I can understand your wanting to have a life partner, I don't really see why you can't be happy to settle for what this man appears to be willing to give you. It doesn't appear as if you want to have children with him, you don't need him to support you financially, so don't you think that maybe you're actually better off to just see each other when it suits, enjoy each other's company, but maintain your independence, and be free to walk away at any point if things go wrong. I'm in my 60's and over the years have spoken to many couples who I'm sure would have been much happier if they'd continued to live in separate homes, and just see each other when they wanted to, and had the time to do so. When you're married, things go wrong all too often because resentment builds up about silly things, for example, 'HE' doesn't put the bins out when you ask him to, and 'YOU' don't wash and iron his shirts the way his Mum did, or you're a spender and he's a saver, or he wants to watch football on TV, but you'd rather go out, silly stuff, but when you're together 365 days of the year, these are the sort of things that do cause problems and wear away at your happiness. Even if you were to marry, there's no guarantee that you would stay together, so why not just accept the relationship, which you clearly enjoy, for what it is? After all, as things stand, if you're feeling miserable or fed up, and just want some time alone, you can have it, but equally, you can spend a lovely day together, and go back to one of your houses, choosing to stay over or not, you have CHOICE, but once you're married, he's there, whether you want him to be, or not.

Just for your information, I'm a happily married woman and have been for 32 years, so you might think it's weird me suggesting that this may be a good thing to do. However, naturally there are times when we get on each other's nerves, and because we're married and live in the same house, we have to find a way of getting past these little niggles, which sometimes we can, and at others it develops into a full scale row, whereas if we had separate places like you and your man friend do, we could just go home and see each other again when the mood had changed.

Have a think about it, not living together may not be such a bad thing as you think.

Thank you Bertha

I'm grateful for another take on things.

I have been thinking about what you said.

I'm not so fussed on being married these days. Well. I don't think so. I don't know. Certainly has contributed to putting me off it a bit.

But, I have lived alone for a decade now. And it is nice sometimes. But I want a "home life". With a "family" feel (no kids). Me, partner, and a cat ideally.

It gets tiresome constantly planning "dates" and the logistics of when he's arriving at mine, whether I need to buy anything extra from supermarket... Doing alllll the chores myself. Always making dinner for myself. I refuse to stay at his now because that's just a whole other load of mental energy - what clothes to take, etc. I literally don't have the space in my brain. I really don't like staying anywhere but on my own home, actually.

However, I hear what you're saying. And I do like my own space.

I fantasise in my head about the cute dream bungalow. And I think about it having two "suites" with own bedroom, bathroom, even own little utility section. But lovely shared kitchen and lounge and garden.

That way, I could live 'alone' and have my own bed etc, but still have the home life I want. And we would just do our own laundry etc to minimise any irritation...

That's my absolute dream set up.

I dont know what to do. I think the relationship may be over to be honest. Because he never just tells me straight. Saying one thing until I put a little pressure on him, then all of a sudden he changes his mind. It's very disingenuous. Also, I think the way I see him, must be very different from the way he sees me, if he is so reluctant to commit. And that hurts.

Maybe I am better seeing what else is out there (once my business is properly set up)

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 10/04/2025 19:50

ZanyCritic · 10/04/2025 19:39

I'm married. I wanted children, so I needed the security. This was especially important because we're from different countries and marriage is accepted wherever we chose to live.

Thank you. Yes, I've gone off the idea of marriage now. Certainly to him, anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 10/04/2025 19:52

Mrsbloggz · 09/04/2025 12:37

I'm sure he would like sunny days in a bungalow with you OP. My guess is the problem is he can't cope with you having more money and being more successful than him.
Perhaps he's trying to keep you hanging to give him time to figure out a way to subordinate you so that he's in charge of things and here's the one with all the power.

Thanks. I don't think it's so much about the money side of things. He's not that far behind me (but ten years older).

But. He certainly doesn't like to compromise. I think it has taken me a while to realise this because we get on so well. But it is becoming more apparent. It's his way or no way.

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 10/04/2025 19:55

HopingForTheBest25 · 09/04/2025 08:02

It's a funny thing but you can be so in love with someone and think you'd fall apart if they left you, but then you do break up or they severely let you down and you come to realise that actually you can survive very well without them. That makes you stronger and less tolerant of their bs the second time around, if you've decided to try again.
The way I see it is he hurt you the first time with his inability to commit, he's spun you some lines about how he loves you but the actions aren't following the words and you are understandably hacked off and more willing this time to cut him loose. Because you know you'll ultimately be fine!

My honest opinion is that if a man isn't willing to commit properly by now, then it's because he doesn't want to, not because he's confused or doesn't believe in marriage or any of the other rubbish they say. It's because he's not so in love with you that he wants to make a solid commitment and wants to keep his options open.

Frankly, if what you want is a husband and to firm your own proper family unit with him, you are unlikely to get it from this guy, who doesn't even want to live with you at some vague point in the future! You can do better

Thank you so much. I am feeling stronger than I expected right now. I'm enjoying my business and although I'm exhausted, I'm looking forward to seeing where I can take it.

I'm putting my phone aside for the evening now.

I'll probably talk to him at some point over the weekend.

OP posts:

FirefIy · 10/04/2025 20:03

CosmicScouser · 08/04/2025 22:32

Thanks for your responses.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me.

I guess I'm delusional...!!!!

I’m guessing he told his ex-wife the same things.

Original poster

CosmicScouser · 13/04/2025 11:03

To conclude, for anyone wondering.

I spent some time thinking over our relationship. Then, we spoke on the phone yesterday.

I came to the realisation that he has serious commitment issues and very much has a victim mindset. Thinking back there's a few things he's done that were wrong and he's never given me an apology for. I brought this up in the conversation to see how he'd react, and the only way I can describe how I felt about the way he responded is.. distinctly unimpressed.

It's like a switch just went off in my head. I wanted out.

Yes I did have some really nice times in the relationship, but looking back I think I managed that because my eyes weren't fully open!!!

It's over. No regrets. And I don't feel sad.

Now, if you could excuse me, I've got a bungalow to aim for 😉

OP posts:

BakelikeBertha · 13/04/2025 11:58

Well I'm glad that you've managed to get through the decision making process in a relatively short time OP. Hopefully hearing some of the opinions on MN has helped you clarify what you are looking for. This guy is going to regret his actions, but that's his problem to deal with. Will you block further communications from him, or just deal with it as and when, and if, he gets in touch and tells you he wants you back?

You sound like a very determined woman, who knows what she wants out of life, and is going to make sure you get it, which is great, as too many of us faff around wasting time, because we're not really sure of where we want to end up.

I wish you all the best with your new business, and hope that you find your bungalow, and someone to share it with, given time.

DorothyStorm · 13/04/2025 14:00

Well done. So many women put up with absolute trash just for a bit of shit company.

Flip

1 2