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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry at my husband.

35 replies

KhakiMoose · 08/04/2025 21:31

I need some advice.

I cannot tell you how angry I am at my husband this evening. We’ve been having trouble with our 5 year old son recently and his bedtime routine. On Saturday evening we decided to set out a clear, concise and consistent plan to deal with this. My husband has been out/at work since then so I have done bedtime and the routine was working a treat - DS was brilliant and I even noticed a difference in his behaviour during the day. Tonight was the first night my husband had put him to bed since we made the plan - and he blatantly ignored about three steps of it. Unsurprisingly our son noted the inconsistencies, became irate and bam just like that we are back to the beginning!!! Even more unsurprisingly I am the one who has had to deal with our son - who is still coming down the stairs crying and I am having to take him back up to bed. I am so, so angry. I am so angry because this isn’t the first time my husband has done this - it’s like he doesn’t listen/care? …. I don’t know what to do? I am almost giving up?! I have just asked him to leave me alone I am furious 😡😡

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/04/2025 21:32

He's a bellend.

SkaneTos · 08/04/2025 21:35

If it happens again, let your husband deal with the consequences of not following the new plan.

Sit and read a book in a different room, and let your husband handle the whole situation.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/04/2025 21:35

He’s doing it so you take over all bedtimes.

DaisyChain505 · 08/04/2025 21:38

Don’t use this as an excuse to take over every single bed time. Get him to try again tomorrow. Talk through the stages before he does it. Have him take a list upstairs if needed. But make him do it. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by taking over and becoming the go to parent for bedtimes.

Ablondiebutagoody · 08/04/2025 22:48

What are the agreed steps and what did he do?

Buttonknot · 08/04/2025 22:49

Why are you the one having to take him back up to bed? Let your husband do it.

QuickPeachPoet · 08/04/2025 22:51

Take yourself off somewhere and let him deal with the consequences
What a nightmare OP

BaileyBear · 08/04/2025 22:52

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/04/2025 21:35

He’s doing it so you take over all bedtimes.

This. He fucks up the bedtime routine, he deals with the fall out of that.

Original poster
KhakiMoose · 08/04/2025 23:11

Ablondiebutagoody · 08/04/2025 22:48

What are the agreed steps and what did he do?

  • 7.30 = teeth/upstairs
  • book/chat until 8ish.
  • sit in with him for ten minutes only (we find this calms him and makes him more likely to fall asleep when we leave)
  • Straight downstairs. If he comes down then take straight back up to bed.

Husband didn’t read book, didn’t sit in with him and went next door to the spare room to watch the TV. I am mad because this shows inconsistency in the routine and he’s sitting next door watching tv and DS can hear this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
KhakiMoose · 08/04/2025 23:12

Buttonknot · 08/04/2025 22:49

Why are you the one having to take him back up to bed? Let your husband do it.

To be fair to him that was my fault, I told him I didn’t want to see him so he went to the shops!!

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 08/04/2025 23:14

Are there additional needs with your son? At 5 he should be more than able to comprehend and accept that things are different with each parent at times and it shouldn’t result in a reaction like this.

outerspacepotato · 08/04/2025 23:17

What skipping the steps where he actually spends time interacting with your son shows is your husband can't be bothered with your son.

He can't be bothered to spend 40 minutes with his own kid.

Treviarpelli · 08/04/2025 23:17

He’s too lazy to read a story and he’s let your son (& you) down.
Ask him why he didn’t want to spend that time with his own son and see what he says.
I’m not surprised you’re pissed off, your five steps are not exactly arduous or unusual, they’re literally the basics of bedtime

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2025 23:18

I’d feel the same. You’ve agreed a plan, it’s working, and he was too lazy to bother doing it.

DorothyStorm · 08/04/2025 23:19

outerspacepotato · 08/04/2025 23:17

What skipping the steps where he actually spends time interacting with your son shows is your husband can't be bothered with your son.

He can't be bothered to spend 40 minutes with his own kid.

This. He couldnt be arsed.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 08/04/2025 23:22

Your DH cant be bothered to spend any one to one time reading with your son and calming him for sleep - he would rather watch TV - what an unloving action when you had told him how it was making DS so much better. He sounds selfish and very disappointing. Is there any chance DH will have a mature discussion about it and give it more commitment? Is he a loving dad? It seems so little to give a child and a feeling of security is so vital.

curtaintwitcher78 · 08/04/2025 23:22

Sofiewoo · 08/04/2025 23:14

Are there additional needs with your son? At 5 he should be more than able to comprehend and accept that things are different with each parent at times and it shouldn’t result in a reaction like this.

Oh here we go. Judge off.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 08/04/2025 23:25

Reading a book at bedtime is one of the most special and rewarding things you can do with your children. Shame on your DH for not being bothered enough to give his son that time.

soarklyknobs · 08/04/2025 23:40

Sounds like your H needs more practice.

He's on bedtime duty from now on until he gets it right, if that means he has to miss out on the night out he had planned tomorrow, so be it.

Don’t let his laziness or weaponised incompetence lead you to be in charge of bedtime every night, he’s the co-parent of your child, if he can’t resist the TV for ten minutes to read his own child a book he’s a very shitty father who needs parenting lessons and MUCH more practice at hands-on parenting and dealing the the after effects of fucking with a working routine.

Psychologymam · 08/04/2025 23:50

Sofiewoo · 08/04/2025 23:14

Are there additional needs with your son? At 5 he should be more than able to comprehend and accept that things are different with each parent at times and it shouldn’t result in a reaction like this.

Things can be different but I would imagine it’s the fact that dad rejected spending any time with him reading or chatting that caused the distress. Bedtime is a time to connect for young kids and dad is at fault for not bothering to do that (so he can watch tv - great priorities) regardless of what needs the child may or may not have.

AutumnFroglets · 08/04/2025 23:51

He deliberately sabotaged the routine so you would take over and end up doing it every night.

Notice I used the word "deliberately", it was not a mistake, he didn't forget, he deliberately upset his own child so he could get out of being a parent. No decent person would go out of their way to upset their child so what does that make him?

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/04/2025 23:58

This means he needs to do it every night until he gets it right.

Don't let this be the reason why you take over bed times. That's why he did it.

notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 00:00

Sofiewoo · 08/04/2025 23:14

Are there additional needs with your son? At 5 he should be more than able to comprehend and accept that things are different with each parent at times and it shouldn’t result in a reaction like this.

Rubbish.

Ughn0tryte · 09/04/2025 00:31

Sabotage
Feigning incompetence
Your child will then stop trusting YOU because they feel anything that you set up etc is doomed to fail/no boundaries.
He's destroying your child's ability to see you as a capable safe parent.
I would choose a time to re establish connection with your son. A bonding time if you will and then choose to either do bed time or breakfast/getting ready for school and stick to it 'dad does morning, mum does night'.
Then they know they're going to get a safe structured bedtime and might make it to school on time.
Yes I would be mad too.

sandyhappypeople · 09/04/2025 00:46

KhakiMoose · 08/04/2025 23:11

  • 7.30 = teeth/upstairs
  • book/chat until 8ish.
  • sit in with him for ten minutes only (we find this calms him and makes him more likely to fall asleep when we leave)
  • Straight downstairs. If he comes down then take straight back up to bed.

Husband didn’t read book, didn’t sit in with him and went next door to the spare room to watch the TV. I am mad because this shows inconsistency in the routine and he’s sitting next door watching tv and DS can hear this!!

Show quote history

Why did he do that though, does he not agree with the routine that had been agreed? or did he think he could get away with changing things up? If anything this just proves that 'his' way of doing the bedtime routine is ineffective, so he will need to rethink how he handles it going forward, try not to intervene.

It sounds like bedtime has become a problem area though, and is a bit of stress point, surely at 5 there would be quite an established bedtime routine already, so what has been the problems with that prior to this?