DP didn't let me see phone - worth staying together?

[Rachey89]

Hi,
I'm very upset as it's looking like my DP is hiding something from me, should I just call it a day or is it worth salvaging? I'll try and keep it brief.

On Sunday night he wanted to show me a pic of something, he had millions of photos so I suggested he use the search function to narrow down the search. He couldn't find it, I noticed he was starting to get quite tense and as he was looking through pics, he was angling the phone away from me. I asked if I could try finding it for him and he said no, he just wants to get back to the movie. His behaviour seemed odd, so I asked if he would mind if I could just check his photos to reassure myself. He gave me the phone for all of 2 seconds, then obviously thought better of it and grabbed it off me and ran to the bathroom.

We always said we could look at eachother's phones and had nothing to hide.

Since then, he's told me this reaction was stupid and he regrets it, but it was because he was angry I asked to see the phone. It's been a couple of days now, and he's sticking with this.

For context ages ago, about 15 years ago I found porn on his computer, and it was a really tough time with us. I know some women are fine with this, but I have low self-esteem and it's really not ok with me.

So probably he's been doing that and doesn't want to upset me.

My questions:
1.is there any world in which the reaction really was because he was angry to have been asked rather than hiding something?
2.What do I do now? Sometimes I don't feel we're quite right together, one example he always yells at the football to an extent that makes me feel uncomfortable and miserable, even though I've asked him so many times to stop. So maybe I should just use this as the impetus for a break? I'm not thrilled at the idea of being gaslit, as to the 'you made me angry, that's why you couldn't look explanation', and it's not great he seems to be hiding something that would upset me, and he knew how I felt about porn.

But...I actually really do love him, we've been so happy lately and had some great plans coming up. Maybe I should just accept, he was probably looking at naked women, it's not a big deal to him, and it doesn't affect his love for me, and the excuse is just him trying to get away with it so I don't find out about something that would be upsetting to me.

It's come at a really bad time cos we usually make a big deal of celebrating easter. He had previously bought some expensive theatre tickets, that we're going to on friday. I don't want these things to be marred if we stay together, so I feel like I need to make a decision quickly.

Any advice would be appreciated, please keep it kind, I'm feeling bad already and don't need nasty comments, thank you

You seem unhappy in this relationship and look as though you’re looking for someone to tell you to leave.

I'm retired, been with dh forever, we have a 'theoretical' agreement that we could always look at each other's phones. But... I know that I feel twitchy if dh actually has my phone in his hand (even though there is nothing at all on there to worry about), and yes, if he asked to see it I can well imagine I would feel irrationally angry. It would be like my privacy being invaded, similar to if he looked through my bank statements or rifled in my underwear drawer.

In theory everyone should be able to look in each others phones, but in reality it’s maybe not that straightforward . If someone went through my phone they wouldn’t find anything untoward, but defo some embarrassing things like cringe selfies or some notes in my phone that wouldn’t make much sense to anyone else.
If he is watching porn or has photos he should be able to talk to you about it .
It sounds like the communication isn’t great . Maybe that’s what you need to work on before you end things completely?

I think it's less likely to be porn in his own photos to be honest, and would be more worried about cheating - like nudes of other women, his own dick pics etc.

Most men with a smartphone capable of showing literally any graphic porn videos you can imagine would choose that - not wank to a static image saved in their photos, do you see what I mean?

I would feel incredibly anxious if DH had my phone. I basically use it as my diary.

Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you lose your right to privacy.

I'd be a little concerned it was his photos he was trying to hide from you rather than search results or browser tabs. That makes it seem a little more personal than just porn imo. Was it just his camera roll or did it include screenshots/WhatsApp images etc?

His reaction was extremely peculiar. Whether you should split? I've no idea but I would be extremely unsettled if that were my DH.

I wouldn't want anyone taking possession of my phone and looking through it, whether I had something to hide or not.

I feel like you’ve taken a massive leap from ‘committed relationship’ to ‘should I dump him before Easter because he didn’t like me looking at his phone’. It’s not a leap I could take, based on the info you’ve given.

You don’t like him yelling at the football - feels like a bit of an overreaction. This also feels like a bit of an overreaction. I have zero to worry about on my phone but I’d still have a panic attack if my other half went through it. A bit like when airport security take your bag aside…I know I packed it myself, I know I didn’t mistakenly put a bomb in there but somehow…panickey. My other half did once see nudes on my phone, got very quiet and was furious at me for three or four days before I could get him to tell me what was wrong. Turned out it was nudes I’d sent him months ago - I’d luckily not instantly deleted them from my messages like I normally would so was able to show him. And then he felt like a pillock…but I still worry every time he’s on there. I’d hope he wouldn’t want to leave me over my nerves!

As I was reading this my husband asked me for my phone, as he wanted the torch function- I gave it without question because our phones are an open book, and for us that’s the healthy way to be, no secrets no need for secrets. We did go through a very rocky patch and that was the condition of getting out of it and it worked. I don’t check his phone though I could and vice versa because we have both proved we can trust each other.

you know you are being lied too. I think to rebuild trust you need to know the truth- how would ever trust him again otherwise?! Then once you know the truth you can then decide how to move on from there, what your boundary is going to be and how to rebuild trust.

Thanks for your comments, it's given me a lot to think about.

I get that we each have a right to privacy, and I've never been through his phone behind his back, I could just tell something was up with how cagey he was being about the photos. So I thought just asking him to see would be the most upfront and open way to handle it.

Maybe thinking of breaking it off does seem an overreaction. It's just that , this has really made me concerned whether I can trust him and to be honest, I feel like he was hiding something. Like someone said maybe it wasnt even porn, but dick pics or something.

Maybe not, like some have said, maybe he just didn't like me asking. There's no to know which it was I suppose

Maybe he’s taken some stupid selfies. Maybe he has photos of a weird mole or spot or something. It doesn’t have to be anything dodgy - just something he doesn’t want you to see.

I’d be pretty pissed off if DH wanted to look through my phone, to be honest.

Honestly, if I thought my partner was hiding something from me as he knew I wouldn’t like but he didn’t care and chose to do it anyway, then I’d be in his phone like a rat up a drainpipe as soon as he wasn’t looking - but I’d make sure I didn’t get caught. If he was looking at porn and I wasn’t happy with that then I’d likely leave.

You've been together in excess of 15 years, and yet you're thinking of ending an otherwise happy relationship because you don't like how he shouts at the telly and won't hand over his phone on command?

If I asked DH if I could look at his phone right now he'd probably say no. As I would to him. If I then started telling him how his lack of openness was affecting my trust in him, and that I was considering leaving, he quite rightly would feel manipulated.

Likewise telling him how to behave around the TV, that strikes me as a little controlling on its own.

And porn 15 years ago?

If there is other behaviour that is concerning you then that is one thing, but on the examples you've given I feel a little more that you're being a little manipulative here.

I would be trusting your gut feeling.
You've never gone though his phone before so it's not reading as someone who is controlling or not wanting their partner to have privacy. Your body is saying you're not safe in your relationship. you've asked for reassurance and your partner wants to keep hiding. Therefore you're not safe in your relationship. Whatever it is be it big or small. He either doesn't trust you enough to feel able to maybe look like a fool for a moment of oh yes I took an embarrassing selfie or it's more sinister.

For me personally we have a open phone policy and I don't get jittery at all if my partner has my phone and vice versa. We trust eachother enough that we wouldn't judge anything remotely embarrassing and aren't hiding anything. We also share the same views on pornography so that isn't an element at all. It wasn't always the case we have grown together and sculpted our relationship. The freedom and safety we both now feel is wonderful. I wouldn't want any other kind of relationship. It doesn't sound like this is the relationship you want op.

I view my phone similar to a diary, it's a record of photos, thoughts, what I've searched etc. there's nothing to hide but I still wouldn't want someone looking through it, it seems very invasive.

I think for lots of women their phone being part of their own private world doesn't tend to be a threat to their romantic relationship. Unfortunately with lots of men it's often not the case,only have to read the numerous threads on here.

If someone is going to cheat, or watch porn, or send dodgy messages, they’re going to do it regardless of whether their partner has access to their phone.

If you don’t trust someone to the point where you’re snooping and have to look at all the photos on their camera roll, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Is there any chance what he's hiding is a surprise for you? I know I currently have photos of potential birthday presents and cakes on my phone. Any chance you've got a birthday or anniversary coming up, or he's planning a proposal and might have engagement ring photos he was worried you'd see?

Sorry to say but you sound very controlling.

Why should he have to give you his phone to alleviate your anxieties? If it were a man demanding the same of a woman, he would be labelled a control freak. Your relationship should be built on trust, if you don't trust him, end it. However it does sound like you might have similar issues in subsequent relationships if you have no real basis for your actions currently.

Also, men are allowed to show emotions. If he loves football and responds joyfully/angrily when his team win or lose, he's allowed to do that. If a man told a women to stop crying if she was upset, how would that present?

Absolutely they will. And they will lie and hide it. So op needs to know so she can make her choices accordingly. He already has previous lying and hiding behaviour so if it's just a dodgy picture of a mole he doesn't want to share then best he be telling op and demonstrating in his behaviour he is trustworthy.

Someone who has nothing to hide is freely open and wanting to give reassurances.

If my dh demanded to see my phone because he was suspicious i was looking at something he didn't approve of, i would say no. I've got nothing to hide but my phone is private. Either he trusts me or he doesn't.

15 years ago was the time to break up over porn, not now.

but I have low self-esteem and it's really not ok with me.

That's your issue to deal with, not his to fix.

Maybe I should just accept, he was probably looking at naked women, it's not a big deal to him

My bigger issue is that he's OK with objectifying women, that's the deal breaker for me. Women are there for his viewing pleasure?

If you don't trust him, which is evident because you're demanding to see his phone then end it, because as people say - a cheater will cheat, a loyal man won't, you accessing the phone just screams toxic and controlling behavior. He's either loyal or hes not, if he's been a liar and deceivingin the past then why are you still there?

And they will lie and hide it. So op needs to know so she can make her choices accordingly.

No, OP makes her choices and boundaries without exhibiting demanding and controlling behaviors.

If my significant other gives me reason to distrust them, I don't need to justify my boundary for not accepting that behaviour - I don't want them to show me their phone - because next step "what happens if they deleted it", where does it stop?

Stop the toxic.

My DH and I have always said to each other that we can look at each others phone as we have nothing to hide, which is true. However the thought of someone looking on my phone does make me feel uneasy and not because I have anything dodgy on there but it just feels like an invasion of privacy. Last week my DH asked me to check his phone for something so I did but I actually felt weird going through things on his phone as it felt like I was invading HIS privacy, even though he had asked me to access it. Phones are weird so I don't necessarily think you should jump to conclusions and assume its bad.

The thing is, there is no way to know whether or not he is just uncomfortable with you having his phone or if he is hiding something (unless you start being sneaky and looking at it while he is in the shower or something, which I DO NOT recommend)

So you have two choices, you trust him and move on and enjoy your Easter or you don't and you finish things.

No one can make that decision for you. Only you know how you feel.

Nope, totally disagree. I have nothing to hide but I wouldn’t be pacifying a controlling partner by telling them about all the information on my phone.

If they don’t trust me as a result then they’re free to end the relationship.