DP didn't let me see phone - worth staying together?

[Rachey89]

Hi,
I'm very upset as it's looking like my DP is hiding something from me, should I just call it a day or is it worth salvaging? I'll try and keep it brief.

On Sunday night he wanted to show me a pic of something, he had millions of photos so I suggested he use the search function to narrow down the search. He couldn't find it, I noticed he was starting to get quite tense and as he was looking through pics, he was angling the phone away from me. I asked if I could try finding it for him and he said no, he just wants to get back to the movie. His behaviour seemed odd, so I asked if he would mind if I could just check his photos to reassure myself. He gave me the phone for all of 2 seconds, then obviously thought better of it and grabbed it off me and ran to the bathroom.

We always said we could look at eachother's phones and had nothing to hide.

Since then, he's told me this reaction was stupid and he regrets it, but it was because he was angry I asked to see the phone. It's been a couple of days now, and he's sticking with this.

For context ages ago, about 15 years ago I found porn on his computer, and it was a really tough time with us. I know some women are fine with this, but I have low self-esteem and it's really not ok with me.

So probably he's been doing that and doesn't want to upset me.

My questions:
1.is there any world in which the reaction really was because he was angry to have been asked rather than hiding something?
2.What do I do now? Sometimes I don't feel we're quite right together, one example he always yells at the football to an extent that makes me feel uncomfortable and miserable, even though I've asked him so many times to stop. So maybe I should just use this as the impetus for a break? I'm not thrilled at the idea of being gaslit, as to the 'you made me angry, that's why you couldn't look explanation', and it's not great he seems to be hiding something that would upset me, and he knew how I felt about porn.

But...I actually really do love him, we've been so happy lately and had some great plans coming up. Maybe I should just accept, he was probably looking at naked women, it's not a big deal to him, and it doesn't affect his love for me, and the excuse is just him trying to get away with it so I don't find out about something that would be upsetting to me.

It's come at a really bad time cos we usually make a big deal of celebrating easter. He had previously bought some expensive theatre tickets, that we're going to on friday. I don't want these things to be marred if we stay together, so I feel like I need to make a decision quickly.

Any advice would be appreciated, please keep it kind, I'm feeling bad already and don't need nasty comments, thank you

@Rachey89 your own insecurity seems to be a MASSIVE issue here.

If my DH suddenly wanted to start going through my phone then yes I'd be annoyed/angry that he didn't trust me. I have nothing to hide, but I'm also entitled to privacy.

I don't think the whole "right to go through each others phones" thing is acceptable in a relationship. You either trust them or you don't.

If he wants to look at p*rn, then it's not the end of the world. It's just a picture of some pathetic person making money from taking their clothes off. I very much doubt he would want to spend his life with someone like that.

Insecurity can ruin a relationship. If you don't trust him, then leave. But by the sounds of it, the issue is your insecurity rather than him. You need to accept that he has chosen YOU to be with, and wants to be with you. Don't let your insecurities push him away.

As for the football shouting - ugh! It's great he's so passionate about it, but that would do my head in! Far more than a man looking at p*rn! I'd be going out if the football was on!

I am probably in minority, but I think that’s slightly controlling.
You can’t trust him after 15 years and you jump straight to ending your relationship because he didn’t give you his phone.

I didn't actually say anything about the phone or looking through it. I said she needs to know from him if it's a mole/engagement ring etc and judge by his behaviour. Observe him.

She can absolutely invite him to discussing boundaries going forward and he has full agency to decline and leave the relationship himself if he doesn't like any boundaries that op may now need in a direct response to his destructive behaviour. In my experience partners who are wanting to make ammends and save a relationship want the chance to demonstrate this in as many ways possible. A open phone policy can be just one of the many ways for some couples. It's an agreement made by two people. Not controlling or demanding.

Have you lied and hidden things that would hurt/upset your partner/change their views/decisions in your relationship?

I have nothing to hide on my phone yet i dont like letting anyone touching it.
Its my phone either take my word or piss off simple.
And when i say nothing i mean nothing no SM no hidden numbers etc.
To me its how much do you trust that person my ex wanted to look through my phone he found nothing not good enough for him.
Wanted me to hand it over everytime he asked for it it was like he was trying to find something anything.
I ended it.

DH and I never look at each other's phones and I wouldn't like to be asked. I think people are entitled to privacy.

Dodgy as fuck

You're way off the mark here. Plenty of people save specific images/clips that they particularly like, for all sorts of reasons. No need to make the OP feel worse than she already does.

I'll be honest here - I am very much not having an affair and there are no photos saved on my phone that I think my DP would particularly object to. But there are certainly things he would probably think 'That's weird. Why on earth has she got that?' about and I wouldn't want to have to explain them because it would feel intrusive and embarrassing.

one example he always yells at the football to an extent that makes me feel uncomfortable and miserable, even though I've asked him so many times to stop

As someone who shouts at the football - much more than my DP does - I wouldn't be keen on someone telling me I wasn't allowed to do it.

Op you have a different dynamic in your relationship due to previous lies and hiding behaviour from you partner. Others perspectives aren't helpful regarding the phone/privacy element because they will have different dynamics,hopefully healthy relationships where trust isn't an issue. Everyone is entitled to have different boundaries. In their relationship.

I'd suggest heading over to reddit love after porn for some support and resources. You post reads as if you are ready to leave. So if that's your decision you really don't need any evidence or confirmation or any reason to leave.

No. But I don’t see the relevance.

If OP doesn’t trust her partner then she should break off the relationship, not snoop through his phone.

You found porn on his computer, and it's not ok with you because you 'have low self-esteem.' It's not ok with me either, and my self-esteem is ticking over nicely. I'm also not jealous of the women, or comparing myself unfavourably to them. Men will tell us this is why we're not ok with porn, and some of us will (falteringly, perhaps) believe it - oh, of course, if I wasn't so jealous, or fat and wobbly, if I had bigger breasts, more confidence, higher self-esteem then I wouldn't mind it at all! The reason I don't like it is because there's something wrong with me! Take a deep breath, op, and tell him to stuff it, please.

Mumsnet seems to have trouble distinguishing between “controlling “ (so bad!) behavior and accountability and respect within a relationship.

I trust my DH implicitly and explicitly to be doing the right thing whether the lights are on or off, whether I see the phone or not. Because I know him to be an ethical person.

But for that very reason if I thought he was hiding something from me that he was ashamed of I would be concerned. Is he in trouble? Would b my first thought. But If he threw the blame of the issue onto me and made a process argument out of it? I’d be concerned that he was DARVO’ing me and I had perhaps been mistaken.

There is also nothing on my phone that would disturb him or our marriage.

I have total respect for my DH but that doesn’t mean I’m happy to hand over my phone and let him snoop through it to ease his own concerns.

If he has that little trust in me then he can leave.

So do the people who say "trust or leave" don't think a couple can recognise that trust has been compromised and work towards fixing it?

I don't look through DPs phone, I do trust him but if he had concerns about my behaviour and they were unfounded then I would be very happy to prove myself as part of a way to getting back to a position of mutual trust.

I don't get weird about people looking at my phone. My DD9 uses it to message my sister, I let DP watch the football on it if I'm not using it (so he is free to scroll his own phone in the boring bits). I have no secrets.

Hi,

Maybe I gave a misleading impression in trying to keep the original post brief, but it was much more nuanced...again trying to be brief, the more accurate context is...although we have very happy times and love eachother there are also some areas for concern and I'm just wondering whether we're quite right for eachother. I definitely felt he was behaving like something bad was happening and it worried me.

I was trying to keep the title brief, but it should have said something more like 'I'm concerned DP is hiding something, any advice?' People seem to have got the impression that I 'demanded' to see his phone and was going to leave a happy 15 year relationship just because he refused to 'pacify' me. Like some others have said, its more like, we've had some difficulties in the past, worked through them, and thought we were in a healthy no secret type place. It seemed like secrets were back, and on top of some other difficulties, i felt really awful and was wondering if the relationship is a good fit. The context of that and other things I was feeling really sad, confused and not sure what to do for the best. We had a row and neither one of us was our best selves.

Obviously I can't get all the nuance of a 15 year relationship in a post, but people have been very quick to call me toxic and controlling.

Also surprised how some people have minimised some of his behaviours. I described that his yelling is so bad that it makes me uncomfortable and miserable. Every comment about this has minimised it , saying im controlling his behaviour watching TV, and not allowing men to have emotions. If its to the extent that it makes me miserable and uncomfortable, i would have thought that people could read between the lines and realise it goes beyond passionate expression of joy or anger whilst supporting a team. it's not controlling to not want to experience that in my house or anywhere. And I don't think that its too awful to consider whether the relationship is a good fit, in that I've let him know how it makes me feel, I've set the boundary and it doesn't stop. I have the right to consider if I want to be around that, and asking him to stop is not controlling behaviour. The fact that it hasn't stopped is one of the things I'm weighing up now.

Obviously you don't have all the details and obviously I'm never going to able to get across all the details. I think obviously talking to a professional might be a better fit than asking for advice on a forum like this. I tried something and I kinda wished I hadn't now.

Thanks to those of you who offered more supportive, considered responses, and to the signposting of a forum that might be more helpful

This x1000.

No one looks at my phone, full stop.

I’d never ask my partner for access to his. Who wants to live as a prison warden? You were out of order to demand it.

I don't look through DPs phone, I do trust him but if he had concerns about my behaviour and they were unfounded then I would be very happy to prove myself as part of a way to getting back to a position of mutual trust.

I don't feel like I should have to "prove myself", though. I'm not a teenager trying to show how trustworthy I am - I'm a grown adult who is entitled to my privacy, even from my husband. If he doesn't trust me, that's not my problem.