To seek a diagnosis in my 40s?

[VaguelyDownwards]

I've become increasingly sure that I may be ND in someway. I am in my mid 40s now and the 'symptoms' seem to be getting worse. I've always been a just get on with it type of person and I'm not sure if I'm trying to find an excuse for the fact that I'm just a bit shit at life!

The older I get the more I feel like I'm different to everyone else. I've had these feelings all my life, but they are getting increasingly worse. I feel odd, like I don't fit in and like I'm trying to pretend to be a 'real' person a lot of the time. I've always struggled with romantic relationships and have a history of anxiety/depression. I feel like I'll never be 'normal'.

I struggle to sit still, finish tasks and just generally organise my life. My washing pile etc. is horrific. My DM told me yesterday that I don't cook enough home cooked meals for my DC and it really hurt me. She's right. I struggle to organise having the right food/ingredients etc (My DC are always fed however and well looked after) I feel like I'm just pretending to a grown up and failing at it.

A friend told me lately that she thinks I'm on the spectrum because of how anxious and blunt I am. AIBU to want to speak to my GP? Or am I just bandwagon jumping and trying to find excuses for myself?

I think it depends what you feel a diagnosis will achieve or change

Forget labels and bandwagons. This is about getting to know yourself better, which is always a good thing. We all have things about ourselves that are different, or we feel we need to work on to understand. Your 40s is a big threshold moment in your life, so it's understandable that you feel the need to address it now. I say, just go for it.. see your GP, find out about options for talking therapy or counselling. This is moment of self discovery which can lead to better understanding of who you really are and what you need for well-being. This is not self-indulgence, as the outcome can only be good for your kids, friends and family too. Good luck.

@truecrimelover I think @Tessiebear2023 post nailed why I want to try and get a diagnosis. It's not because I want to make excuses but rather because I want to try and understand why I'm like this.

All my life I've felt not normal and like there was something wrong with me. I guess it's taken me a long time to realise that this isn't normal (for want of a better word) I've always struggled so much with life, even though on the surface people think I'm handling things well.

My sibling is most definitely ASD. They aren't diagnosed but it's incredibly obvious that they are.

A diagnosis for ASD isn't going to 'cure' you, but if you think you have ASD tendencies, you could read up on coping techniques and apply these to your life.

Lots of us feel that we're acting at being grown ups.

@Tessiebear2023 I had an excellent therapist a few years ago. I might get back in touch with them.

I have two friends who’ve been diagnosed with autism in their 40s and have found it really helpful and validating.

Whereas I suspect I am ND but have zero desire for a diagnosis because I don’t know what it would achieve. You don’t need an actual diagnosis to get reasonable adjustments at work. I don’t need a label to feel validated or not hate myself, but maybe you do?

Just a good idea to be realistic about what it will actually change and achieve.

@Yesterdaywassunny Oh I totally get that lots of us feel like we're pretending to be grown ups.

I feel utterly lost in pretending to be an adult though. To the point that I'll still feel younger/inferior to people much younger than me. It's starting to really knock my confidence.

What do you think it will achieve? I assume you'd be paying for a private diagnosis unless you're willing to wait and get one via NHS? Do you want medication?

I am also fairly sure I am ND but the huge rush of everyone suddenly having it has actually really put me off - as well as seeing kids waiting for years because a load of adults who just don't fancy doing housework want to see if they can have a "legit" reason for being messy.

Personally, and that is clearly just my opinion as I suspect a flaming, if you don't need medication I don't fully see the point. Everyone is "spicy" now so you acting weird in public or private won't be odd to anyone. If you physically can't get out of bed or sit still without running about, fine, get meds.

I agree with asking yourself how would things change if you got a diagnosis. Would you take medication? Would your work be able to change things to be more accommodating? If not then I'm not really sure how having a label would help.

With the state of the NHS at the moment a diagnosis could take years. But some people find that the validation of being diagnosed helps them come to terms that they are not lazy or making excuses, but that they struggle to do tasks because their brain is wired differently.

We highly suspect DS1 has ADHD and are seeking a diagnosis for him because if he gets diagnosed changes and allowances could be made at school to make things easier for him to reach his full potential. That all sounds very driven and pushy but I don't mean we intend on him being pushed into a high flying career, more that I don't want him to struggle on with things that other kids find easy if changes can be made for him.

I have wondered if I have a ND, but I'm approaching mid 40's and don't see any benefits for my job to be diagnosed so I'm not pursuing a diagnosis. I am trying to work smarter not harder though. A friend did get diagnosed in her mid 30's and its helped her a lot though. Its a personal choice I guess

Definitely worth it for your child as without a diagnosis it can become harder to access some things later on eg at uni.

I was diagnosed with autism in my 40s and it definitely changed my life for the better (and my family’s too). Partly because you can forgive yourself your ‘failings’ and start organising your life in a way that suits you rather than persisting in trying to live in a way that is ‘normal’.
But also I learned a lot about autism and how it affects me in the process. There is more to it than I thought. So I would recommend.

if you might have ADHD, there’s even more reason to pursue a diagnosis, because you can get medication to help with it.

Good for you, you want to find the root of why you have always been struggling with what most people seem to find simple in life, so that you can improve things for yourself and family. I don't know why anyone would respond sceptically about that. I think counselling is a great idea, as they can help you with exploring yourself and finding coping strategies, they can also help to sign-post you to other resources that might help. The gp is also a good person to go to to ask for advice on what to do next to get the outcomes you're looking for. Alongside this you need to explore things that might help you with your self-esteem and confidence, whether it's a hobby, club or exercise/sport. Do you have any interests that you could follow up?

I probably am an anomaly but while I know deep down I’m autistic as fuck, I want to mask, I want to fit in, I don’t want a label telling me I’m different, I want to at least pretend to be normal.

Obviously many others feel different. But if you know a doctor will say ‘yes you’re …’ then what does that change or achieve? It’s just someone else telling you what you already know.

Some of what you're staying sounds more like ADHD. It's definitely worth exploring why you're struggling and what coping strategies can be put in place to help. A diagnosis, is warranted, would be the key to this.

It's up to you! Get the label of you like and think it will help you in some way

I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't meet criteria for an ND label of some kind. If you want a label, get it.

We r all different.

I don't know why everyone is banging on about lables, when op herself said that wasn't her main aim. She wants to understand what's causing her to always struggle with day to day things that others seem to find simple. It's causing her stress and anxiety, and she's wants to feel better - that's her aim. There are plenty of professionals that can help her with this if she seeks help.

Can people stop mentioning labels now (and why do people keep assuming its autism?) this is about finding solutions so she can move on with life with more confidence, and I'd really like that for op.

I think the main point was more about the difference between needing medication to impact your life positively or getting a confirmation of either ADHD etc, which you can look up resources for completely free all over the internet. If you don't know anyone else who is ADHD or not ND they are increasingly easy to find and will have also had a lot of research into what might help. It might save a lot of time and money for the NHS if people just skipped the long and expensive part and put in place things that might help from the get go?

I suspect I have autism and will look for the diagnosis next year, at 42. (I have other expenses this year). Not because I 'need' it, but because I think it might be useful to have for workplace accommodations I may need in future. For example, I learned in Covid that I am much, much better with hybrid or wfh, and that now is essential rather than a nice perk.

I was referring more to the unhelpful, "why do you want an autism label??" type replies. Without seeing a professional, such as GP or counsellor, how can op know what's the best approach to get the outcomes that she wants. I just found it frustrating that people were being so dismissive and unhelpful when op has recognised an issue in her life that is having a major impact on her day-to-day that she wants to address.

I absolutely agree that if Adhd were the cause that medication might be the best course of action. But this is why professional intervention is needed, none of us here can possibly make those calls and say if a label or otherwise is needed. Op might very well have autism, but it might actually be dyspraxia that's causing some of her issues. These things are rarely black and white.

Hi OP - I'm 36 and have just recently been referred for an autism diagnosis. I've done the basic NHS questionnaire and got the highest score possible - my GP said he would diagnose me today if he was allowed, lol.

For me, it's just helped with validation and has made me realise there's nothing wrong with me, I just have a condition that affects how my brain works.

Medication could help so I’d say it’s never too late

You don’t need a diagnosis for that.

I can definitely identify with some of what you’ve written and have wondered the same about myself.

You’ll have to join the waiting list of hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of other people who are also convinced they are different to everyone else.

An official NHS diagnosis would give you an answer for those people who say "everyone feels like that, you're just lazy/rude/selfish".