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Original poster

Is companiable silence ok, or the death of a marriage?

34 replies

WhatIsAScottishEgg · 08/04/2025 09:59

Been with DH almost 20 years. Two kids now pretty independent (15 and 17). We're starting to get our lives back and can pop out for dinner or to the pub for a drink. Sometimes even a night away when the youngest is staying at a friends. And our lives have been busy and stressful so much so I never noticed we'd run out of things to talk about other than the kids and work. I find myself stressing trying to come up with subjects (politics, books, podcasts etc...) but DH is more than happy just to sit and be. Companiable silence he calls it. Am I overthinking this? Should I just enjoy his company? Or is a lack of conversation a sign of deeper things going on?

OP posts:
AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:03

I don't think it's automatically a negative. Many men are like this past middle age, and there's a lot to be said for companionable silence IMO!

You obviously need more, though, so I'd suggest you get that from friends, hobbies, going out and learning new things. Women tend to need much more social interaction.

SpanThatWorld · 08/04/2025 10:04

I always joked that we'd been married for a year before my husband spoke to me. He is quiet and only speaks when he feels that he has something important or interesting to say.

Now that the kids have grown up, it can lead to some very quiet evenings. I think it's mostly companionable but I can't deny that I sometimes look at couples who are chatting and so on and wish we were a bit more communicative.

But he is who he is. Our marriage isn't dead; it's just different to other people's. We all have to make our own decisions as to what makes us content. Or not.

BarnacleBeasley · 08/04/2025 10:07

Should I just enjoy his company?

To me, this is the real question: do you enjoy his company? Or would you, if you weren't worrying that you needed to think of topics for conversation? If you don't enjoy a companionable silence with someone you know really well and feel comfortable with, but he does, that's an incompatibility. But it's plausible that he genuinely does enjoy feeling comfortable enough to be silent with you, which is not necessarily a sign of something wrong.

MargotB · 08/04/2025 10:08

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:03

I don't think it's automatically a negative. Many men are like this past middle age, and there's a lot to be said for companionable silence IMO!

You obviously need more, though, so I'd suggest you get that from friends, hobbies, going out and learning new things. Women tend to need much more social interaction.

I'm a woman and I love companiable silence. It's so comforting to know I can sit with my DH, in silence, and not feel 'forced' to speak about anything.

It's not always a sex-based thing. Some people just like to 'just be'.

It becomes a problem when two people/the couple don't feel the same.

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 08/04/2025 10:10

Sounds like a good life stage, you talk when there is something to talk about, but also happy just being in each others company. Sounds good to me and not negative in any way, as long as you’re happy.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 08/04/2025 10:12

So if you go away, for example, will he discuss the hotel? Discuss what you've seen on the news? DH and I rarely discuss stuff now because we both know what the other will think!
I agree with the pp who said about you getting hobbies, etc. Rely on your friends for lively conversations.

KimberleyClark · 08/04/2025 10:16

I love companionable silence, but that doesn’t mean DH and I have nothing to talk about when we are feeling chatty. We’ve been married nearly 35 years and no kids, so had to find other things to talk about!

NotMyRealAccount · 08/04/2025 10:26

There's nothing wrong with companiable silence provided you're both comfortable with it. I think I'd struggle to live with someone who needed constant verbal interaction.

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:27

MargotB · 08/04/2025 10:08

I'm a woman and I love companiable silence. It's so comforting to know I can sit with my DH, in silence, and not feel 'forced' to speak about anything.

It's not always a sex-based thing. Some people just like to 'just be'.

It becomes a problem when two people/the couple don't feel the same.

Show quote history

Yes quite. Hence I said 'many men' and 'women tend to.'

The only thing that matters in this situation is how each party feels about the status quo.

My general point was it's quite normal for there to be a point at which one half of the couple looks outward a bit, rather than expecting another one person to meet all their needs.

Hoppinggreen · 08/04/2025 10:29

I often wish DH would shut up!
He has no internal thought process and can fixate on one subject (probably ND) and hates silence BUT I can tune out now and we have reached compromise where we can interact at a level both of us are happy with. If he trips over into monologue we have a safe word

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:31

And to add my own perspective: I'm very happy with companionable silences, although DH and I do still talk a lot about many different things. A good balance is nice.

DH isn't very sociable anymore. He's happy to see family and a few close friends at hom but he doesn't like more than that and going out is just not his thing. I'm okay with that. If I need more I go out and about under my own steam.

Shirtless · 08/04/2025 10:31

BarnacleBeasley · 08/04/2025 10:07

Should I just enjoy his company?

To me, this is the real question: do you enjoy his company? Or would you, if you weren't worrying that you needed to think of topics for conversation? If you don't enjoy a companionable silence with someone you know really well and feel comfortable with, but he does, that's an incompatibility. But it's plausible that he genuinely does enjoy feeling comfortable enough to be silent with you, which is not necessarily a sign of something wrong.

Yes, exactly — the key question is whether you enjoy his company? Personally, I’d be terribly bored, but everyone’s different.

IntheSpaghetti · 08/04/2025 10:36

Depends on if it's a problem for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with a marriage like that, if you're both happy.

My husband and I don't have a ton of common subjects to talk about. We don't often sit in companionable silence though, we just talk complete nonsense/shit to each other. It's fun and lighthearted.

Our serious conversations are usually in bed together at the end of the day.

GetMeOutOfMeta · 08/04/2025 10:40

It is only not OK if you are being blocked - if he is being silent only when you are trying to sort out an issue or have raised a question. That is manipulative behaviour and can get abusive when it goes into silent treatment territory.

If you're both just sitting reading or watching TV together that's fine. If you are bored you could plan the odd weekend away or trip to the theatre?

NeedToChangeName · 08/04/2025 10:45

I'm similar to you OP

My DH will talk if there's something to discuss but doesn't tend to chat a lot otherwise

I'd like to be a bit more chatty but companionable silence isn't such a bad thing

Swampdonkey123 · 08/04/2025 10:50

I think companiable silence is great, but I'd be worried if we didn't have something to talk about. You can't always be talking, but if it you never have a good chat then yes I think there is a deeper issue. You thinking of things to talk about is all fine and good, but do you get anything back when you do that? I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to converse with me at all beyond the practical.

RoachFish · 08/04/2025 10:54

When I'm out and I see a couple sitting in silence eating their dinner I have always assumed they either have a completely dead relationship or they have had an argument. I have always felt a bit sorry for them. It's a completely new thought for me to see that there are in fact couples who do decide to go out to the pub or a restaurant and be completely fine with sitting there in silence. I was raised to sit at the dinner table and converse to make it more enjoyable for everyone.

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 08/04/2025 10:54

I hope not. We’ve always had companionable silence; and we’ve been together 22 years.

the idea of someone chatting constantly would drive me up the wall

GetMeOutOfMeta · 08/04/2025 10:55

RoachFish · 08/04/2025 10:54

When I'm out and I see a couple sitting in silence eating their dinner I have always assumed they either have a completely dead relationship or they have had an argument. I have always felt a bit sorry for them. It's a completely new thought for me to see that there are in fact couples who do decide to go out to the pub or a restaurant and be completely fine with sitting there in silence. I was raised to sit at the dinner table and converse to make it more enjoyable for everyone.

That is a lot to ask if you've lived together for decades, but I do see your point. I wonder if we lived with our friends we would have the same issues or if the chat would keep flowing?

Psvhwt · 08/04/2025 10:56

I used to think it was terribly boring pre-phones but now I guess it doesn't matter so much. We are still in the middle of parenting primary aged kids so don't get much time to ourselves but I can see how we would totally spend hours on our phones without talking to each other. Is it good, not sure as I do think that Dh are running out of things to say to each other, but it's certainly doable.

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:57

It's perfectly possible to sit in comfortable silence with a great deal of depth, love and affection. Especially in public whilst eating.

Stony silence is a totally different thing. And of course it matters a great deal if one party feels unseen, unappreciated and unloved.

BigDahliaFan · 08/04/2025 11:00

We talk a lot, DH can talk the hind leg off a donkey when he's feeling like it - I'm the quiet one. To be honest though I sometimes wonder what we would talk about if we didn't have a dog. She's the topic of about 60% (75%?) of our conversations.

RoachFish · 08/04/2025 11:10

GetMeOutOfMeta · 08/04/2025 10:55

That is a lot to ask if you've lived together for decades, but I do see your point. I wonder if we lived with our friends we would have the same issues or if the chat would keep flowing?

Show quote history

Maybe it is. I was with my ex for 23 years and we never had silent dinners or went out for a drink and didn't chat the whole time. At home we would obviously not chat all the time but if we were both sitting at the dinner table then we would. It's just how I was raised so I'm like that with everyone. We had quite separate lives though so when we did spend time together we had plenty to talk about that would be new information for the other person. Maybe that matters too.

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 11:15

A lot of things feed into it. There are plenty of people who might say, separate lives, oh how sad, that must be awful, I like constant connection and engagement, how can you possibly exist that way etc etc etc, whereas you might say, no, this works really well for us and this way we each lead rich lives but more importantly when we're together we always have something to say.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/04/2025 11:19

AnotherHappyCamper · 08/04/2025 10:57

It's perfectly possible to sit in comfortable silence with a great deal of depth, love and affection. Especially in public whilst eating.

Stony silence is a totally different thing. And of course it matters a great deal if one party feels unseen, unappreciated and unloved.

I remember about 20 years ago when DH and I were child-free and spent our Friday nights having bar meals at a range of country pubs, that one night there was a couple in stony silence across the pub that barely spoke to each other the whole evening. It looked really awkward and not companionable at all. I resolved that I did not want to end up in a relationship like that in a few decades time.

It's not the quiet that's the problem, its the comfort in each other's company (or lack of)

We're at the older end of parenting now and are taking advantage that we can do things as a couple again after 10+ years, and that will be good for us when the nest empties in future years.

Smart phones mean the awkward older, stony-silence couples have become rarer as they can now look at their phones rather than studiously ignoring eachother uncomfortably Grin