Is companiable silence ok, or the death of a marriage?

[WhatIsAScottishEgg]

Been with DH almost 20 years. Two kids now pretty independent (15 and 17). We're starting to get our lives back and can pop out for dinner or to the pub for a drink. Sometimes even a night away when the youngest is staying at a friends. And our lives have been busy and stressful so much so I never noticed we'd run out of things to talk about other than the kids and work. I find myself stressing trying to come up with subjects (politics, books, podcasts etc...) but DH is more than happy just to sit and be. Companiable silence he calls it. Am I overthinking this? Should I just enjoy his company? Or is a lack of conversation a sign of deeper things going on?

I wouldn't sit in the pub or for a new with my husband and not talk-we might as well have not bothered. Quite happy to sit in 'companionable silence' at home though.

That should read, 'or for a meal'.

Yes you can totally tell when it's an awful, stony silence. I, too, have vowed to myself never to be in that kind of situation.

And tbf I must say I don't really mean literally no words said to each other over a meal out! We do still talk an awful lot to each other at home (and DH can really talk when he gets going 😁), so when we do go out - maybe once a year, these days - we often just discuss the food and what we think of it, or comment on drinks pairings and so on, here and there throughout the meal. People observing us might wrongly think, oh how sad they have nothing of substance to talk about, but that wouldn't be correct.

One of the things my DP and I always say we enjoy about our relationship is that we're comfortable with being silent together!

We're both introverted people who like our own space. Despite that, in social situations and at work we can't bear a painful silence and will often be the ones who say something to fill it, which gets draining after a while. So when we're together, we both enjoy the fact that we don't feel awkward if there's no conversation. We talk a lot - in fact, I'd say that we both generally have plenty to say for ourselves - but we are very happy with a long silence. We've often done long car journeys where we've barely spoken, and have greatly enjoyed it. And on holiday we'll sometimes sit and have a drink together, both of us reading or scrolling on phones or playing a game rather than chatting the whole time. But it's a happy silence, not a grim one.

Sometimes on holiday - when you've spent a lot of time together, you are basically just out for tea. You need to get fed so you eat and you might not say much or read your phone or whatever.

I think you can tell when it's a companionable silence and when people literally have nothing to say to each other!

I remember we were out once talking a lot and another couple lent over and said - you two clearly haven't been married long! We'd been together 15 years of something at that stage.

Thanks everyone. By way of explanation he's definitely not conversation blocking and is more than happy to chat about all manner of things. I think I'm using the yard stick of when we used to go out when the kids were younger and had more to say because we never got time alone. But now we do, so we don't have the same need to save everything for those two hours. Last week the weather was gorgeous, the kids were both out so we went to the local pub but both read our books with a drink. It was lovely, but I think sometimes my brain goes a bit mad thinking we should still be having full on conversations rather than just enjoying each other's company.

Reading with a drink sounds lovely to me. As long as you do still have things to talk about and you are both still willing to make an effort to maintain the relationship I think you are all good. The transition from being primarily parents, back to just being a couple is scary though.

Just depends on whether or not you mind it. If you feel disconnected from him, then you need to say so. If you’re just second guessing yourself and your relationship, wondering if it’s “normal”, then try not to. If both parties are happy then who cares? If you aren’t, speak up and change it.

God, that sounds like absolute bliss!