To think my friend was out of order for going behind my back to my manager instead of talking to me directly?

[QuickViper]

Something happened at work - a friend (or so I thought) raised a “concern” about me to our manager instead of just coming to me directly. It wasn’t anything serious, just something she thought I’d said in a meeting that she found “inappropriate.” We’ve known each other for years, so I’m shocked she didn’t just message me or talk it out. It now feels like a betrayal. AIBU to be upset and feel like she threw me under the bus?

She is not your friend. At least now you know that.

Surely it depends on what you said, and what type of ‘concern’ she raised. Was she concerned about you/your wellbeing, was she concerned about your standard of work, was she concerned about you stealing from the company?

It’s hard to give an answer when we don’t know the context.

It's hard to say without more detail

It very much depends on what you said. If it was highly inappropriate e.g. racist, then tough, that's on you, face the consequences of your actions. If it was something else, e.g accidental mild innuendo, than a quiet word might have been better. It's all in the details here.

I’ve seen this sort of thing happen before - and it’s generally because the person involved thinks something is off but “doesn’t like confrontation”. And, of course, that blows the whole thing out of all proportion and leads to 100x the bad feeling that there would have been otherwise. Either she’s deliberately stabbed you in the back, or she’s weak and rather pathetic. Either way, I’d say that’s a friendship over and done with…..

Hard to say with minimal information.

You’re not friends. You’re coworkers who are friendly, in which case, involving a manager is better than direct confrontation.

You say she “thought” you said something. Does that mean you hadn’t said it at all or that her interpretation of it was wrong?

Is she an actual friend or just a colleague you get along with?

That’s fair. It wasn’t anything extreme - definitely not about stealing or my performance or wellbeing. It was just something I said in a meeting that she felt was “inappropriate” but honestly, it was more of a difference in interpretation than anything offensive or harmful. It really could’ve been sorted with a quick message or chat, which is why I feel so blindsided. We’ve always had a direct relationship so I’m struggling to understand why she escalated it like that.

I get what you’re saying but this wasn’t just a friendly colleague - we’ve been close for years, outside of work as well. So it felt more personal than professional.

As for what I said - I did say something but her interpretation was way off. It wasn’t inappropriate in context and I honestly think if she’d just asked me about it, we could’ve cleared it up quickly. Going straight to our manager was unnecessary and kind of undermining.

I would say that this is the first time she's been 'caught' going to a manager about you

She's a fake, distance yourself girl x

How did your manager respond?
At least you now know to be more cautious around your friend. Have you spoken since or had any interaction? There must be some reason she behaved as she did. Promotion opportunity coming up?

This.

I would have a face to face chat with her and ask why she went straight to your manager instead of clarifying with you. And explain I feel that THAT was inappropriate.

But she’s not your friend. It hurts, but at least you know now and can watch your back accordingly.

It's hard without knowing what you said, if it was a silly comment or something more serious - sexist, racist, etc. Maybe she didn't feel able to address with you

I suppose she didn’t think you’d respond in the way she’d prefer.

You're not really saying very much. 1. How serious would it be if your colleague had been correct in her interpretation of what you said? 2. What has your manager had to say about this complaint? 3. What do the other participants at the meeting have to say?

We have your version of what you are not telling us, if she thought it was appropriate to do this then who are you really to say it isn't, we are told on here all the time anyone time a breeze goes past 'go to HR' or 'report it' so someone does and now that is a problem?

If what tmyou said isn't bad then there is no issue

Sorry OP - I still haven’t a clue 🤣 ‘inappropriate’ could be anything.

t was more of a difference in interpretation than anything offensive or harmful. It really could’ve been sorted with a quick message or chat, which is why I feel so blindsided.

I know a few people who refuse to have friends at work for this reason but it interferes with independent professional judgment and you can run into trouble.

Either what you did was reportable in which case it should be reported. A friendship then interferes with the working of the business because the co-worker is not reporting something they should is compromising themeself to avoid reporting their friend.

Or what you did was not reportable in which case it shouldnt have been reported.

A co worker you are friendly with is different from a true friend. The test is if you moved 200 miles away, would you still socialise with them and would they make the effort to stay in touch with you and same for you. If not, you aren't really friends at all you are just convenient to be friendly with.

She’s no friend.

Honestly a lot depends on what you actually said which you seem to be avoiding answering.

Sometimes when we are talking with people we perceive at friends we say things that we assume they will know that we are not serious or mocking ourselves etc. However in a workplace even if we are talking with someone we think as a friend it is inappropriate.

If there were other people at the meeting she may feel that she has to be seen to take the correct appropriate path.

Or maybe she sees you as a workmate that she is friendly with and not a friend.

Was it about Meghan Markle?

Drop her as a "friend".

And never give her private information about yourself or anything else.

Yes. She definitely isn’t a friend.