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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother in law treats me differently

47 replies

LCat123 · 08/04/2025 08:34

I’ve been with my DH for 12 years. Very sadly, my mother-in-law has never warmed to me. We are very different people.

I’m a primary school teacher - I’m warm and friendly and wear my heart on my sleeve. She has always been standoffish and cold, disapproving, openly critical of all my life choices and unsmiling - very stone faced and the disapproval she feels towards me has always emanated out of her.

She has made lots of comments over the years that are deeply personal and upsetting. That I wouldn’t make any money in teaching. I shouldn’t praise my child unnecessarily. She holds very odd beliefs and is very opinionated towards me.

She wanted to name my child for me (for context / my little boy is our IVF miracle and was/is a desperately wanted baby and naming your child is deeply personal)… she gave me huge lists of baby boy names then told me she didn’t like the baby’s name I chose when he was born etc etc.

She would roll her eyes at my gentle parenting and send me passive aggressive articles on parenting when I was in the sleepless nights trenches… the articles were about how we shouldn’t bother to nurture our children and that it’s all genetics anyway (which is completely against my core belief system as a primary school teacher and a loving, devoted mother). She never, ever helped me with anything and would sit on the opposite couch with pursed lips, clutching a cup of tea. She could barely bring herself to hold my baby for a cuddle and has no bond with him.

We have had major collisions via text because I couldn’t take her attitude and behaviour anymore and it sent me into a postnatal depression. She couldn’t care less about me and just ignored my text messages pleading with her to stop with all the comments and letting her know exactly how she was making me feel.

Her other son has just had a little boy too and already, she is smiling widely in photos cuddling the baby, knitting beautiful jumpers and hats… she is there on hand day and night to help. (She never knitted anything for my child but I knew she was a knitter). There is now this big display of her being this doting grandmother when that has never been my experience of her. It’s very confusing. So was she always capable of behaving normally but she just couldn’t because it was me and my “sprog?” My DH is so hurt by her too. He’s tried speaking to her and she is very defensive and says, “Oh I’m just this big bad person aren’t I?” 😔

I’m 8 months pregnant again and just feel so upset by her. It hurts my heart and my soul as I wanted her to …like me. But she seems to just hate me. All these things have been left to fester because she doesn’t want to hear about how her behaviour towards me affects me. I just want her to be nice.
I’ve been pretty much no contact with her. I don’t know what to do anymore. Some love and advice needed fellow mums xx

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 08/04/2025 08:39

What a horrible person she is. I hope your DH is supportive and strong enough to handle her. Are you friendly with the brother and his partner? Would it help to talk to them? What is her husband like?

Lovelysummerdays · 08/04/2025 08:40

I think you just have to accept she’s an arse and let it go. Grey rock and no contact/ low contact.

It isn’t you it’s her but at least now you know where things stand you can just wall her off so she doesn’t hurt you again.

TizerorFizz · 08/04/2025 08:41

Why do you crave her opinion and need her to like you? You are very different people so let DH deal with her. Stop responding. For me, as an age to be a grandmother, I’d leave my DDs to it if they went down the gentle parenting route. I’d just accept her views are different to yours. How much do you really want to interact with her? What does your DH think? Is he stuck in the middle between warring women?

greengreyblue · 08/04/2025 08:43

To be fair it’s quite a hard thing to accept. Especially when you see her reacting differently to another baby in the family. It’s hurtful and the grandchildren will pick up on it in time. You are also full of hormones and feeling it very keenly right now.

2chocolateoranges · 08/04/2025 08:44

I’d go very low contact or no contact, delete and block her number from your phone and let dh deal with her. Don’t ever be alone with her and she only visits when dh is here and it suits you both.

some people are just just nasty.

autisticbookworm · 08/04/2025 08:44

She isn’t a nice person and she doesn’t like you. Presumably she’s not that keen on your dh either. She’s missing out on a relationship with her grand children. I would block contact with her, see her minimally at family events. It’s upto your dh what his relationship with her looks like.

harriethoyle · 08/04/2025 08:47

Why on earth do you interact so much with her? Pleading text messages? Enforced visits? Just drop the rope and leave seeing her to your husband.

TertiaryAdjunctofUnimatrix01 · 08/04/2025 08:49

She sounds like a horrible person. Let your DH deal with her, and you and the kids never meet her without your DH present. I’d be doing the bare minimum with contact from now on.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/04/2025 08:50

Stay no contact with her. She sounds like a deeply unpleasant person who no-one would want to be around.

Cut her out of your life completely if you can and then try not to give her a second thought.

If your DH wants to maintain contact, he needs to do this outside of your home. She is a terrible grandmother and her influence on your children will only ever be negative and malign.

Your DH may need therapy to come to terms with his relationship with his toxic mother.

Lampzade · 08/04/2025 08:54

Go very LC with her.
Do not text her , do not phone her. If there are family events avoid her as much as possible .
Stop trying to win her approval that gives her the power over you.
Honestly you need to stop caring . life has a way of teaching people like this a big lesson .

Moveoverdarlin · 08/04/2025 08:55

I could have written your post, my MIL is exactly the same. Cold, disapproving, nasty. When we were having IVF she said ‘How’s your HIV business going?’ When we told her the baby’s name she said ‘poor child’. I don’t have any advice. My DH was an only child so I have never seen this chirpy, friendly side to her.

She couldn’t be colder. My kids know what she’s like. It’s painfully awkward when my DH says ‘give nanny a kiss!’ Both my children and ‘Nanny’ physically wince.

We just get through it, and tell them the bare basics of our lives, never ask for help. Never share problems, just stick to crap, awkward conversations.

Holdonforsummer · 08/04/2025 08:56

Try reading ‘Let Them’, a book by Mel Robbins, it is all about trying to let go of things/people out of your control and just controlling how you react to them instead. She might actually enjoy causing disharmony and division and if she is this kind of person, you will never win her over. The only thing you can do is win by being happy and confident in your own family, relationship and parenting style. It’s the best and only revenge.

greengreyblue · 08/04/2025 08:56

Some of you make this sound very easy. This means no wider family events when they can both be present. It’s a huge burden on them both to be isolated from social gatherings with family. I’d go down the route of seeking support from the rest of the family members.

greengreyblue · 08/04/2025 08:58

Moveoverdarlin · 08/04/2025 08:55

I could have written your post, my MIL is exactly the same. Cold, disapproving, nasty. When we were having IVF she said ‘How’s your HIV business going?’ When we told her the baby’s name she said ‘poor child’. I don’t have any advice. My DH was an only child so I have never seen this chirpy, friendly side to her.

She couldn’t be colder. My kids know what she’s like. It’s painfully awkward when my DH says ‘give nanny a kiss!’ Both my children and ‘Nanny’ physically wince.

We just get through it, and tell them the bare basics of our lives, never ask for help. Never share problems, just stick to crap, awkward conversations.

Get your DH to stop doing that. Chn shouldn’t be told to kiss or hug.

kaela100 · 08/04/2025 09:00

My sil is an ex teacher too and she used to have opinion about everything childcare related and saw herself as the expert on everything child related. It was all quite funny until suddenly it wasn't and we've gotten into lots of (quite serious) arguments about it. It

We still get on for the kids' sakes but will never be close and though I make the effort to ensure I have a relationship with my DNs I'm never going to be as close to them as the DNs from my other siblings as my relationship with her isn't great.

Think about this logically and try not to take it personally. Just view it as her having a different relationship with the other gc and try not to think about it too much. Do you have parents who are involved?

AnnaMagnani · 08/04/2025 09:01

Why do you personally have so much contact with her?

My MIL would die of shock if I texted her, and she wouldn't text me either. If she calls and I pick the phone up I pass it straight to DH, her son, who she is actually interested in.

Pleading with her over text honestly just makes you look nuts.

Pass her back to your DH and see what he makes of her.

Lampzade · 08/04/2025 09:01

I agree with the posts that suggest that she actually may enjoy creating disharmony .
I actually think that she is deliberately trying to hurt you and your dh by giving the other grandchild so much attention . This is why I would advise you to go very LC with her .
Don’t mention anything to her about the differences in the way she treats the grandchildren . She loves the power and the attention
It really is her loss

Holdonforsummer · 08/04/2025 09:02

Also, as someone who has been in a similar situation, the favourite son and his family aren’t that lucky - you can bet once the initial honeymoon is over, she will subject them to some pretty controlling behaviour too. At least you’re away from that.

BoldRed · 08/04/2025 09:02

She’s awful and of course you aren’t unreasonable to feel upset and rejected on behalf of your child/ren. It’s horrible to think of your children’s cousin having a doting granny when yours don’t. But sadly she is who she is. She’s controlling and rigid. I particularly hate the ‘I am a terrible person’ type of defensiveness. It’s so immature. However, as you say, you are fundamentally very different people and you obviously dislike and judge her as much as she dislikes/misunderstands/judges you. Perhaps she feels she has more in common with her other daughter in law and therefore feels more relaxed around her? Is your SIL more likely to roll over and let her have a say in the name or agree on parenting styles? Do they share opinions and interests? The bottom line is, after 12 exhausting years of battling with her, think it may be time to give up and let go. Stop fighting with her and definitely stop sending highly emotional texts. You can’t change her. Ignore her articles. Don’t even read them. Drastically cut down the amount you see her. If she says stuff like ‘it’s all nature not nurture you know’ or ‘there’s no money in teaching’ just say ‘oh, ok’ and move on. Is your mum around? Do you have siblings? Does your son have loving godparents? What about your father in law? Your children can be surrounded by loving adults even if one of their grannies isn’t ideal.

SheridansPortSalut · 08/04/2025 09:03

Firstly, you can't make her be nice so let that one go. There's no point in trying. She's odd. That's just how it is.

I suspect that this might be less to do with you than it appears. It might be to do with her relationship with her sons..... Who is the favorite son, who tows the line, who lets her have more influence (or lets her think she has). The marked difference in treatment of the grandchildren is a power play. If she uses it to drive a wedge between the brothers, it makes her the center of the family.

Your best bet is to 'grey rock' her and try to have a good relationship with your bils family.

2JFDIYOLO · 08/04/2025 09:04

Some people are just horrible.

You have a husband, a child and a new baby on the way - congratulations! 🤗

(Also - Learn to knit. It's so nice and baby clothes are really quick and SO cute to do and you'll have a brilliant grandmotherly skill yourself).

Conniebygaslight · 08/04/2025 09:08

I know it doesn’t seem it OP but you are actually in the better position than the other DIL. You can keep contact to a minimum and protect your DC from this vile woman. Don’t entertain her, if your DH wants contact with her, let him but you continue being a lovely mum to your very lucky little boy.

ShriekingTrespasser · 08/04/2025 09:11

Accept that she’s horrible to you and will never change. Now keep that negativity and awful attitude away from you and your family.
Everyone is right. Keep contact with her to a complete minimum. Don’t engage with her. Ignore her text messages unless they actually require a response from you.
Do you have other family? Nurture those relationships and disconnect from this one.

ZippyPeer · 08/04/2025 09:14

SheridansPortSalut · 08/04/2025 09:03

Firstly, you can't make her be nice so let that one go. There's no point in trying. She's odd. That's just how it is.

I suspect that this might be less to do with you than it appears. It might be to do with her relationship with her sons..... Who is the favorite son, who tows the line, who lets her have more influence (or lets her think she has). The marked difference in treatment of the grandchildren is a power play. If she uses it to drive a wedge between the brothers, it makes her the center of the family.

Your best bet is to 'grey rock' her and try to have a good relationship with your bils family.

Agree with this. It probably isn't about you, OP, even though it feels that way. Possibly trying to focus on that and limit/remove all contact with her will help you more than anything

LoreOfBabylon · 08/04/2025 09:18

She sounds horrible. Was she always like this or did it get worse after you married her son?

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