Mother in law treats me differently

[LCat123]

I’ve been with my DH for 12 years. Very sadly, my mother-in-law has never warmed to me. We are very different people.

I’m a primary school teacher - I’m warm and friendly and wear my heart on my sleeve. She has always been standoffish and cold, disapproving, openly critical of all my life choices and unsmiling - very stone faced and the disapproval she feels towards me has always emanated out of her.

She has made lots of comments over the years that are deeply personal and upsetting. That I wouldn’t make any money in teaching. I shouldn’t praise my child unnecessarily. She holds very odd beliefs and is very opinionated towards me.

She wanted to name my child for me (for context / my little boy is our IVF miracle and was/is a desperately wanted baby and naming your child is deeply personal)… she gave me huge lists of baby boy names then told me she didn’t like the baby’s name I chose when he was born etc etc.

She would roll her eyes at my gentle parenting and send me passive aggressive articles on parenting when I was in the sleepless nights trenches… the articles were about how we shouldn’t bother to nurture our children and that it’s all genetics anyway (which is completely against my core belief system as a primary school teacher and a loving, devoted mother). She never, ever helped me with anything and would sit on the opposite couch with pursed lips, clutching a cup of tea. She could barely bring herself to hold my baby for a cuddle and has no bond with him.

We have had major collisions via text because I couldn’t take her attitude and behaviour anymore and it sent me into a postnatal depression. She couldn’t care less about me and just ignored my text messages pleading with her to stop with all the comments and letting her know exactly how she was making me feel.

Her other son has just had a little boy too and already, she is smiling widely in photos cuddling the baby, knitting beautiful jumpers and hats… she is there on hand day and night to help. (She never knitted anything for my child but I knew she was a knitter). There is now this big display of her being this doting grandmother when that has never been my experience of her. It’s very confusing. So was she always capable of behaving normally but she just couldn’t because it was me and my “sprog?” My DH is so hurt by her too. He’s tried speaking to her and she is very defensive and says, “Oh I’m just this big bad person aren’t I?” 😔

I’m 8 months pregnant again and just feel so upset by her. It hurts my heart and my soul as I wanted her to …like me. But she seems to just hate me. All these things have been left to fester because she doesn’t want to hear about how her behaviour towards me affects me. I just want her to be nice.
I’ve been pretty much no contact with her. I don’t know what to do anymore. Some love and advice needed fellow mums xx

Tbh I would just block her number. I wouldn’t visit, and I’d leave DH to manage her. I would make it clear she’s his DM, she’s an arse, and I’ve no interest in seeing or hearing from her. He’s welcome to visit her any time he likes.
Like fck would I allow her to intrude a second time, having learnt the hard way a first time.

My DH is so hurt by her too. He’s tried speaking to her and she is very defensive and says, “Oh I’m just this big bad person aren’t I?”

She isn't going to be the MIL you want.
She isn't the mother your DH would want.
There is strong Golden Child (BIL) and Scapegoat (DH) energy from the way she has parented. You will never get her to acknowledge this.

I'd leave all the contact with her to your DH - hopefully this will mean not much contact. If he does keep being desperate for attention then support him to see he doesn't need to keep seeing someone who is awful to him, even if they are his mother.

If you like BIL then make a relationship with him and his family separately, that doesn't go through MIL.

Accept she is a nasty bitch and part of her nasty bitchiness is not liking you, or your child (or your husband by the sounds of it, as if she did love him she would make more of an effort to hide her feelings). She won't admit she is a nasty bitch and has been horrible to you for no reason, because she isn't capable of it. She won't suddenly stop being nasty. She won't change. There isn't a magic solution to improve your relationship, irrespective of how hard you try and how much you want it. The only thing you can do is protect yourself by creating distance.

Honestly, just let it go. You’ll never get what you hope for from her, and she sounds like she’s incapable of giving your children the love they deserve. It’s not worth the pain.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.

Have as little to do with her as possible. Don't have her on social media and don't open and read her texts

Why have you put up with her for so long? Get her out of your lives completely, otherwise she’ll turn your kids against you too. Tell her exactly what you think of her, bullies cave when you stand up to them.

Sorry you are experiencing this
You cannot make someone like you. If you try, you'll tie yourself up in knots and just cause yourself a lot of stress. For some reason, she does not like you, you need to start to accept that you will never have the relationship with her you would like. It is not nice, it is not fair but that appears to be how she wants it.

You can’t force her to like you or to behave like you wish she did.
She sounds awful and she probably enjoys how you react to her.

I’d stop any contact with her and don’t let her push your buttons if you have to be around her at family events.

Let your DH deal with her.

She’s not going to change. She is who she is. She’s probably enjoying the upset she’s causing you. And of course very much enjoying playing the victim when you speak up.

just leave her to it. Very LC and don’t rise to anything she does. You will struggle with this at first, because it bloody hurts to have our dc treated like this let alone ourselves. But once you let it go and protect yourself you will feel so much better. Empowered even.

my mil recently said to me “you’re not what I’d have liked for my son” just out of no where. I just chuckled and said tough lol. She was fuming.

take back your power x

How strange and sad. We k=joke that were glad we got the MIL we did and not the MIL that my brothers wife got. ie, they are both my Mum, but she acts strangely towards my SIL that my DH doesnt get. Partly because he's a man, but also I do think a lot of that stems from mistakes they both made in the early days of my brothers relationship. My mum being overbearing and trying too hard which ended up crowding my SIL, and my SIL/brother.

Not saying that is the case here, but could it be your MIL has a different relationship with your DH over her other son?

One thing I have learned over the years is never to expect anyone else to hold the same views and belief system as you do.

Her views on parenting and the determinants of educational outcomes are just her views. They are different to yours, but not an affront to you by being different as such.

I too am an ex-teacher and hugely into evidence based parenting. But I recognise that some people (nay, entire cultures) don’t necessarily agree.

She’s probably right about there being no money in teaching!

Where she is wrong is in being ‘off’ to you. That is not necessary and likely to cause rifts, as well as being unkind.

But I do wonder if there is a reason behind her coldness and reserve, as something in your description seems to suggest quite a wounded person?

But some people just aren’t ‘warm’ or ‘friendly’ and feel deeply uncomfortable when this is expected of them. But this isn’t necessarily wrong, it’s just different. Nor is everyone necessarily going to like you, even though you do hold a view of yourself as warm, friendly and likeable.

She is likely to be in your life for a long time. Is there a way in which you can pick out the good or find some common ground?

Mine is similar although not as bad. It's so hurtful seeing my husband and child treated like second best, and my in laws not saying anything to her even though it is so obvious. My husband just says they're closer now, they'll be closer when they need care too.

Is your dh’s brother someone who could potentially challenge her on her behaviour?

It sucks. We have similar issues within our family and it is just absolutely rubbish. I'm sorry, but don't let this spoil your experience. Focus on yourselves and protect yourself with boundaries. Xx

Why are you worried. Let her carry on, cut her off she dosent bring anything to your life.
Not everyone in nice sadly.

Why would he?
She wouldn't change anyway.

Why are people so worried about keeping people in their life who aren't nice.

Flip it and be glad she isn't on your doorstep every day demanding time with her dgc..
My ils favoured sil's dc over ours. Hugely. Their loss.
I gave up being annoyed and appreciated I had no obligations to visit or nurture any relationships....

She’s unlikely to change or be the MIL or Grandmother (or even DM) you want her to be. With this in mind drop the rope. Stop trying to engage her, unfollow her on all SM and maybe even your BIL and SIL so you don’t see the photos, no point putting yourself through it. I’d also suggest your DH does the same.

When she’s old and needing help the OP won’t be doing much, if anything. That will be a blessing.

Basically some older people don’t hold back on their views. At our friend’s wedding, his FIL, in his speech, described his new son-in-law as a “layabout”. Mainly because he worked in an office and was not the best at manual work. People do make judgements. My MIL referred to me as “she” when talking to my DH. She also never bought me a birthday present for years and one year DH and me had a joint present - an iron. You just have to accept that some people are not your cup of tea and move around them as you get on with your life.

It just sounds like you have different ideas about parenting and the other set of parents are more aligned or more happy to be pushovers.

I don't think there's any way you can repair the relationship.

But honestly it doesn't sound like she's done anything that bad really. There are some absolute horror stories on here about MILs.

My MIL stopped speaking to me and cut me out of the family will when I gave birth to my second child (a girl). She had two boys, eldest my husband and bitterly wanted a girl too.

Some people just have issues, can't deal with them and their bile spills over into their life and those who are near.

Enjoy your beautiful children, limit contact to essential family events and never, ever be alone with her.

She doesn't like you but do you actually like her? It sounds like you don't. More often than not when I find someone doesn't like me it's because they have already picked up that I don't like them.

I would just try and leave things to DH, don't have any one to one dealings with her.