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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not letting my ex claim child benefit for one child?

30 replies

Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:03

Before anybody comes for me, I know we have equal rights as parents of our 2 children, but I just can't agree to this. Abit of back ground...
Me and my ex were together for 10 years and have 2 children together dd 12 and ds 5. We've been separated for 4 years now. My ex has always been rubbish with money and in the past gambled and used his money for drugs (withoit me knowing) and so i have always provided for the family. I am completely opposite, I had saved over 12k towards purchasing a house prior to us separating. My ex ia very controlling and I now believe I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Friends and family have all said the same. He would always manipulate me and make me feel guilty if I didn't lend him money. Over the last few years I have "lent" my ex money for bills etc, and he's also threatened on several occasions to kill himself because he lost his job and has nobody but me and the kids. He knows exactly what to say to make me cave. He lives in a 1 bedroom council flat. I live in a small 3 bed house, and claim UC towards my rent. I work full time and have never claimed benefits until now. My rent is 875 and I don't get a penny from my ex. He now wants to claim for one child for child benefit so that he can get a 2 bedroom flat through the council. I would have no issue with this however I am now left with no savings and will lose over 350 in UC as I will only be able to claim for 1 child. This is my child's home and it upsets me that I will have to either move my kids into my parents house or move to a flat. I shoukd also point out that my dd does not get on with her dad and does not want to stay at his. My son is only 5 so loves his dad however even he says he wants to stay with mummy and not stay over at dads. Aibu?

OP posts:
PicaK · 07/04/2025 22:05

Who is booking hair appointments, dentist, Dr etc. They get the child benefit.

Pompompowder · 07/04/2025 22:08

Child benefit is a gateway to other benefits. That’s why he wants it .

Booksaresick · 07/04/2025 22:09

What is your custody split? Is it 50:50?

mindutopia · 07/04/2025 22:11

Absolutely no way, unless he has 50/50. If he doesn’t, it goes to the primary caregiver.

Also, why should he have a nice council house but your children lose their home?

BillyBoe46 · 07/04/2025 22:12

The money goes to the primary parent. Who has the child/ children most?

BakelikeBertha · 07/04/2025 22:12

mindutopia · 07/04/2025 22:11

Absolutely no way, unless he has 50/50. If he doesn’t, it goes to the primary caregiver.

Also, why should he have a nice council house but your children lose their home?

This!

Original poster
Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:15

We don't have anything set in stone. Again probably my fault and me being a soft touch. I allow him to come to my house whenever he likes to see the kids. They do not stay at his flat currently. I do not stop them, but he says he can't have them as he only has a 1 bedroom flat. Which I understand however I just can't trust him and it makes me mad that I do everything for the kids and he wants to take away from me when he owes me over 6k in debt. He doesn't pay a penny and I arrange all the drs appointments, pay for school dinners, buy uniforms etc. I am their main care giver and although he says he wants to do more, he is adamant he can only do this if he claims child benefit for one of them.

OP posts:
SociableAtWork · 07/04/2025 22:16

Not unreasonable at all, especially given the back story. Unless he is having that one child for at least 50% of the time and paying towards holiday clubs, after school clubs etc., then he’s just trying it on, and it would be fraudulent if he used a child benefit claim as a gateway to other benefits.

He’s not paying his way for the children so it would be madness for you to end up with less money each month. He can get a job and save, like you’ve had to. If he didn’t gamble he’d have a lot more money to find himself. Keep saying no.

If he does put in a counter-claim you can dispute it, or always used to be able to. You just give them the reasons why you are the rightful claimant.

Best of luck with this - stay strong, say no, and don’t engage in conversation about it any further. Do not let him wear you down.

Naunet · 07/04/2025 22:18

So he doesnt pay a penny for his children and now basically wants to steal from them to line his own pockets? Or has he said he'll give the money right back to you/pay for everything for 1 child? I'm guessing not.

Original poster
Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:18

mindutopia · 07/04/2025 22:11

Absolutely no way, unless he has 50/50. If he doesn’t, it goes to the primary caregiver.

Also, why should he have a nice council house but your children lose their home?

This is my point and he just doesn't get it. I live 2 mins away from their schools, I do not drive and I do absolutely everything for my children. I don't want a penny off him but he can get nasty and I don't know how to handle it going forward

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 07/04/2025 22:23

Child benefit should go to you OP, it’s to benefit the child, not the parent!! He’s got every opportunity to get himself a new job and help himself.
Don't give him any more money.
I appreciate it's awful when they get nasty, if he does I wouldn’t let him come round any longer.

Original poster
Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:24

Naunet · 07/04/2025 22:18

So he doesnt pay a penny for his children and now basically wants to steal from them to line his own pockets? Or has he said he'll give the money right back to you/pay for everything for 1 child? I'm guessing not.

No and even if he did say that, I wouldn't trust him to give me the money. He's not reliable at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:25

SociableAtWork · 07/04/2025 22:16

Not unreasonable at all, especially given the back story. Unless he is having that one child for at least 50% of the time and paying towards holiday clubs, after school clubs etc., then he’s just trying it on, and it would be fraudulent if he used a child benefit claim as a gateway to other benefits.

He’s not paying his way for the children so it would be madness for you to end up with less money each month. He can get a job and save, like you’ve had to. If he didn’t gamble he’d have a lot more money to find himself. Keep saying no.

If he does put in a counter-claim you can dispute it, or always used to be able to. You just give them the reasons why you are the rightful claimant.

Best of luck with this - stay strong, say no, and don’t engage in conversation about it any further. Do not let him wear you down.

Thank you 😊 I will try my best!

OP posts:
Naunet · 07/04/2025 22:28

Montybear · 07/04/2025 22:24

No and even if he did say that, I wouldn't trust him to give me the money. He's not reliable at all.

Show quote history

Don't let him steal from his own children, it's clearly not about the flat if he's not offered the money back (and you're right not to trust him even if he did). What a scummy man, its really low behaviour.

Leanin9 · 07/04/2025 22:29

It would be insane to consider this for a millisecond
Stop lending him money. Stop talking to him so much. Stop having over to your house and start claiming cms.

DorothyStorm · 07/04/2025 22:33

Best of luck with this - stay strong, say no, and don’t engage in conversation about it any further. Do not let him wear you down.
This. Stop letting him in to your home. Dont engage about the child benefit. Dont try to keep the peace. He doesnt want to keep any peace. He wants to make his children‘s lives worse for his personal gain. If needed, have him see the children somewhere else with someone else facilitating.

MyrtleLion · 07/04/2025 22:36

Also note that those who attempt to blackmail you using suicide as a threat (if you don't do x, I'll kill myself) are not going to actually do it. This is emotional blackmail.

I was told this years ago and had almost forgotten it until my ex said it. In that instant I realised he was emotionally blackmailing me and I left.

Do not give him the money and start insisting that he makes proper arrangements to see the children that do not involve your home. If he really wants to see the children rather than use them to manipulate you, he will find a solution.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/04/2025 22:44

@Montybear do you not already claim the child benefit? you need to look after you and the kids first. he needs to look after himself without relying on you to assist him to do that. it isnt your fault that he cannot cope with adulthood and being financially responsible!! you have the kids, so you have the benefit!!

Hammy19 · 07/04/2025 22:45

You don't need to be in receipt of child benefit to receive the child element of UC - there are other ways of verifying children on a claim

That said, he has no right to claim it and a cheek to even ask. He isn't planning to use the money for the children or have them more, he's trying to get his grubby hands on as much money as he can for whatever sordid thing he wants to buy/do. And he wants to do that at the detriment of his own children. Don't give in to him. Follow the advice often given on here and set up an email just for the 2 of you to discuss the kids and block/ignore him on everything else, don't give him opportunities to grind you down

Vaxtable · 07/04/2025 22:47

Nope. Would not be doing it. You are the main carer he provides nothing so you claim for both

He can manage in a one bed. Daughter gets the bedroom and the son sleeps with him in the lounge

Mayyouleave · 07/04/2025 22:49

No OP. Don't so this, it's madness to even consider. You need to think why are you even asking this? Is he still manipulating you?
You have what you are entitled too, and so does he which is a one bed flat.
Don't make your life and your kids life bad to prop him up. YANBU

RandomMess · 07/04/2025 22:49

He has a studio flat not a room in a shared house, there is no reason why the youngest can’t stay overnight either camping out on the floor, sharing a bed, someone on the sofa. No reason why he can’t have fixed contact and take them out.

Be generous and tell him you’ll deduct £10 per week off the £6k he owes you 😉

I would call CB no inform them he’s threatening to claim when in he does nothing and it isn’t shared care.

If he’s claiming benefits I’d put in a CMS claim and get the £7 per week he should be paying.

MrsPerfect12 · 07/04/2025 22:51

It's a big no, you cant put yourself and the children in a worse position for his benefit. He isn't even paying for them. Please don't do this.

Original poster
Montybear · 07/04/2025 23:08

Thank you everyone 😊 I know deep down that I shouldn't allow it and I need to stand up to him more. Easier said than done but my kids come first and I am not letting him take their home away from them!!

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 07/04/2025 23:25

'Don't give in to him. Follow the advice often given on here and set up an email just for the 2 of you to discuss the kids and block/ignore him on everything else, don't give him opportunities to grind you down'

Please OP, do this, it is GOOD ADVICE!

Just stop having anything to do with him, don't answer the door to him, don't contact him unless he contacts you via the new email set up purely for contact. Tell him if he wants to see the kids to take you to Court. Don't let him in your house, and don't open the door to him. I trust you haven't given him a key? If you have, get the locks changed. Then, if he turns up and starts kicking off, call the police on 999. You need to get this scrounging scumbag out of your life, as much as you possibly can, otherwise he's going to continue to blag money off you, and use emotional blackmail on you for ever more. Your kids deserve better, and so do you!