Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I meet my half sister,?

36 replies

Sockmate123 · 07/04/2025 18:22

My Dad (deceased) had an affair, resulting in a child 24 years ago. She reached out to us via solicitors letter 6 months after his death asking to get in contact. Mum knew of her existence but nothing about her. My Dad and her lived somewhat separate lives but she stayed with him and looked after him through illness.
My Mother burned the letter but I remember the solicitors name so could make contact if I wanted.
Its been almost 4 years since the letter. I dont agree that my mother should be deciding about this. It wasn't her decision to make. At the same time I dont want to hurt her. My sister isn't interested in meeting her. I was the closest to my Dad and tbh would like to meet her.

YABU - leave sleeping dogs lie and dont hurt your Mum.
YANBU-arrange to meet/make contact but keep it from your mum do as not to hurt her.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 07/04/2025 18:24

If you want to meet her you should do it, otherwise you'll always wonder what might have been. Your mother and sister have the right not to get involved if they don't want to but they can't make that choice for you.

Bigcat25 · 07/04/2025 18:25

I would absolutely meet her. But no one else should tell you not to.

Changingplace · 07/04/2025 18:26

It’s your decision not your mums to make for you. I think in your shoes I would want to meet her, for my own peace of mind.

2025willbemytime · 07/04/2025 18:27

My sister, younger by six years and we have the same dad, just stopped all contact out of the blue as her mum didn't like it. It's a shitty thing to do. I would contact your sister, explain that you wanted to make contact before but weren't able to or whatever the reason was.

cindyhove · 07/04/2025 18:29

I discovered a half sister 9 years ago after my dad had a stroke. We connected and now have a really good relationship and I have 2 new nieces!
My mum was really not happy about it (she didn't know about her) - it caused an awful lot of trouble between us, but now we just don't mention her in my mums hearing.
In my story my half sis had always known about my siblings and I, but she had been kept very secret from us!
Anyway - notwithstanding the story, you may find a new wonderful relationship - or it my not work out for you.
Unless you take the step to connect and meet up you will never know.
Personally I would go for it!

Watermill · 07/04/2025 18:30

I have half siblings, one of which surfaced after my dad died.

Your mother was totally out of order. This isn’t about her.

My relationship with my half sisters is fantastic. I say go for it.

FloreatE · 07/04/2025 18:30

If you would like to meet your half sister you should feel it's okay to reach out. Her existence may be a painful reminder to your mother of wrongs suffered many years ago, but your unknown sister hasn't done anything wrong and has shown interest in knowing you- that's something to be treasured. You might not discover a wonderful new relationship- but it's equally possible that you will: you'll never know unless you take the next step. You don't need to ask your mother's blessing. You might really love seeing someone who has your father's likeness, especially now he is gone.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/04/2025 18:37

It's your sister so it's your decision.

See her because you want to buy don't hide it from your Mum, it will come out eventually and neither of you have any reason to hide away.

Legopotamus · 07/04/2025 19:21

Your mum's anger should have been with your dad, and if it was so great she should have left him.
It's not your fault or your responsibility. It's selfish of her to deny you that relationship.

I'd definitely contact her. Your poor sister.

Danikm151 · 07/04/2025 19:26

Go for it.
I have half siblings that I know about but have never met- if they ever reached out I would be willing to meet them.

StrangerThings1 · 07/04/2025 19:53

Sockmate123 · 07/04/2025 18:22

My Dad (deceased) had an affair, resulting in a child 24 years ago. She reached out to us via solicitors letter 6 months after his death asking to get in contact. Mum knew of her existence but nothing about her. My Dad and her lived somewhat separate lives but she stayed with him and looked after him through illness.
My Mother burned the letter but I remember the solicitors name so could make contact if I wanted.
Its been almost 4 years since the letter. I dont agree that my mother should be deciding about this. It wasn't her decision to make. At the same time I dont want to hurt her. My sister isn't interested in meeting her. I was the closest to my Dad and tbh would like to meet her.

YABU - leave sleeping dogs lie and dont hurt your Mum.
YANBU-arrange to meet/make contact but keep it from your mum do as not to hurt her.

If you want to meet your sister, meet her.
Your mum can’t decide this for you and shouldn’t be trying to, your mum Dosen’t need to have any contact / communication with her
I don’t think I would be happy knowing I had a sister out there ( who has reached out) and I then didn’t meet her or try to get to know her

kidditsonyou · 07/04/2025 19:58

I would want to me here and if you want to, you should.
you don’t have to tell your mum, it’s none of her business and I would be angry and hurt by her for burning the letter and trying to make that decision for you.
It’s not yours or your half sisters fault she decided to stay with a man who cheated on her.

KrisAkabusi · 07/04/2025 20:02

I don't agree with either of your voting options. Find your half sister if you want, but I wouldn't keep it a secret from your mother. If she finds out later it could be worse if she thinks you've been lying to her.

Reddog1 · 07/04/2025 20:17

Your poor mother should’ve left your father when he made a mug of her a quarter of a century ago, but that’s not your concern, she was an adult who made her choice. You can make your choice now.

Don’t lie to your mother though. There’s been enough lying, she deserves respect and transparency. Have faith in your decision, be tactful and gentle, but not apologetic.

Member869894 · 07/04/2025 20:21

I would absolutely meet your sister. I do think though you should tell your mum , not to ask permission but just to be open and honest with her

PicaK · 07/04/2025 20:37

Yes but go for counselling first so you can think this through

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/04/2025 20:38

Is she wondering if there is any inheritance ?

ClunkyKeys · 07/04/2025 20:41

I have a half sibling I (and my wider family) only found out about about 6 years ago. We met, a couple of times. It was really really weird finding someone exists out there who kinda looks a bit like you (or more likely, your dad). We had nothing in common. I thought he was a dick. It also massively upset my mum, she'd had a totally normal happy life, extremely lucky in health, work, family - all of it great. She ended up in therapy, lost a huge amount of confidence, was also extremely difficult to be with for a couple of years (short temperedness and selfishness a symptom of anxiety/depression), we're really only seeing her old self recently, and even so, it's not the same.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't meet them, no. They have their own life and own family. If they think something is 'missing', they won't get that from you, they need to sort that themselves. And if you already know how your mum is going to feel, then I'd really not do it because of that. Of course you're curious, but that's not enough of a reason to me.

ridingfreely · 07/04/2025 21:15

You have posted this before. Did you take no action last time?

Original poster
Sockmate123 · 07/04/2025 21:17

ridingfreely · 07/04/2025 21:15

You have posted this before. Did you take no action last time?

You're right. No I'm still dithering!! I decided last time not to but recently having lost a loved one that life is too short to just be wondering...

OP posts:
DearBee · 07/04/2025 21:22

I probably wouldn't, no. I'd be disgusted that my dad had had an affair and would feel sorry for my mum in light of that. I wouldn't be interested in 'half sisters', 'sisters' or whatever you want to call them... as far as I am concerned, if we didn't grow up in a family relationship then we're not truly related.

What are you hoping to get from this? She's grown up totally separately to you - the only thing you have in common is your dad knocking both your mothers up, tbh.

madaboutpurple · 07/04/2025 21:23

Both you and your sister could gain so much from meeting up. It would be sad to look back and be thinking that you should have met. I send Best Wishes.

cindyhove · 07/04/2025 21:25

Sockmate123 · 07/04/2025 21:17

You're right. No I'm still dithering!! I decided last time not to but recently having lost a loved one that life is too short to just be wondering...

Show quote history

Just go for it. What have you got to lose?

lalalalalala2024 · 07/04/2025 21:30

My mom met her half sister at the age of 52 the other week

mobilephonesoff · 07/04/2025 21:37

My friend found out she had a half sister at the age of 60! They speak most days now. Her mum had a baby before she was married 2 years and then gave her up for adoption. When her husband who was my friends dad died she found and made contact with the daughter. Mum says Dad knew about the baby before he married her but my friend and her sister think not. Mum was a strict Christian - no sex etc and strict with her daughter (my friend growing up) it has given my friend a delightful sister. Both women have a complicated relationship with their mum - especially as my friend grew up in a really strict household no sex etc