Should I meet my half sister,?

[Sockmate123]

My Dad (deceased) had an affair, resulting in a child 24 years ago. She reached out to us via solicitors letter 6 months after his death asking to get in contact. Mum knew of her existence but nothing about her. My Dad and her lived somewhat separate lives but she stayed with him and looked after him through illness.
My Mother burned the letter but I remember the solicitors name so could make contact if I wanted.
Its been almost 4 years since the letter. I dont agree that my mother should be deciding about this. It wasn't her decision to make. At the same time I dont want to hurt her. My sister isn't interested in meeting her. I was the closest to my Dad and tbh would like to meet her.

YABU - leave sleeping dogs lie and dont hurt your Mum.
YANBU-arrange to meet/make contact but keep it from your mum do as not to hurt her.

If you want to meet her, you should. Your mum doesn’t get to make that decision for you.
I found out when I was 19/20 I had a half brother that I knew nothing of (my dad had an affair when he was married to his first wife). Sibling got in touch via Facebook. We get on well, he was briefly in contact with my dad too but it didn’t work out. And it doesn’t work for everyone- you have to be ready for that possibility- but if I’d decided not to meet him I’d always have wondered what if.
best of luck to you.

How did it go?

My friend is the half sister in this case. The dad refused to acknowledge her for years.

She reached out to her half siblings. They made the dad do a dna test as proof (they did believe her as she looks like him), and accepted her as their half sister /aunt to their kids etc. It means the world to my friend.

It went really well, we had found her nephew first and it was all on ancestry but gutted I didn’t meat him sooner as would’ve had another cousin to grow up with

I do hope you meeting her op.
it would means so much to her.
how brave to reach out.
how sad her letter was binned.

I would be very intrigued and I think I would meet up with her. It must be hurtful for her to have heard nothing. I'm sure she'll be delighted if you do reach out after all these years.

How would you feel if you found out you OH had an affair and had a child as a result. You 'forgive' that betrayal, then 24 years later, the fruit of your OH's loins comes looking for the half-sibling (your legitimate child), reawakening all the hurt.
Then say the mother is being selfish

Have you actually had a conversation with your mum about this? If you have and she has told you she would be incredibly hurt if you chose to meet your half sister, then I guess you will have to keep it a secret from everyone who might spill the beans, even accidentally. I wouldn’t like to have that sort of secret mainly because I tend to blab.

I can see that to your mum, your half sister is the embodiment of your father’s betrayal but he is the only one to blame for that. Your half sister was betrayed by him too in a way because he brought her into the world knowing he was not in the position to be a proper father to her. Perhaps if your mum could see that and come to terms with the woman existing and that punishing her for it is not fair, maybe she might feel easier about you meeting her.

Either way I think you should meet her. But bear in mind there’s a chance you won’t get on. She might resent being the other child; or you might just be very different types of people. Good luck 🙂

I found out about my half brother just after mum died. She’d had him before she met my dad and in those days and her culture, bring a single mum wasn’t an option.

i met my brother. He’s a nice guy and is part of the wider family, do I have a lot in common with him? Not really, but I’m happy he’s made contact.

Meet your sister and see how things go. You don’t need to continue meeting if you don’t want to.

Op, there is a love and kindness in your writing. It’s clearly heartfelt. I can understand wanting to meet her. Not just curiosity, but finding that possibility of another living reflection of your father. Of course, she might be more like her mother. You might not click. She may just want to see some photos. She may be hoping for an enduring friendship. But you will never know if you don’t meet and it will always play on your mind.

I think you need to stop dithering and take the plunge. Write to the solicitor saying that your mother found the letter too upsetting and your siblings aren’t interested / are loyal to their mother, but if she would like to meet you, then you would be happy to meet.

Good luck!

That's a really sweet message thank you..I am about 18 years older than her so I know even from that point of view we wouldn't have a massive amount in common but I didnt think it was unreasonable that she reached out.
I love my Mum very much, I would hate to hurt her but whereas I am generally a very open person she is very closed and has kept very many (unrelated) secrets over the years.

To answer another poster, I did voice to my Mum gently that I didn't like how it was handled etc but she just kept saying she has nothing to do with us and the family could be 'criminals for all we know' 🙈

I'm not even looking to meet up, at least not initially but to open up some email contact maybe....

Thanks for your reply x