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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife NEVER bothers with my birthday - I'm a grown up, why does it p*ss me off so much?

49 replies

ChairmanMeow999 · 07/04/2025 16:00

Together nearly 30 years.

Over the years, I've surprised my wife with diamonds, pearls, designer bags, beautiful clothes, some brilliant trips away... Pamper weekends.. All sorts.

And not just - lets throw money at it - I plan things months ahead of time and put real thought into what she might like. I've sent her and her sister away one year too.

Then.... I get absolutely nothing in return.

Recently, I was away with work for my birthday and not so much as a card popped in my bag.

She rings me to say sorry - forgot - didn't know what to get you - will do something lovely when you get home.

But we won't... We never do.

Every Xmas and every birthday she does it - it gets right to the last minute, or on the day she gets kinda upset and says she didn't know what to get - so there's like, a bar of chocolate or something.... Or socks.

If I say anything - she then throws a wobbler, accusing me of having a go at her!!

So, I smile and say I'm not bothered, doesn't matter.

Big one coming up next - and for about 20 years she's promised to get me a gift that I DID want, about 20 years ago but I'm not sure they even make any more.

I'm absolutely dreading it coming up - because I'm going to have to say I'm not really interested in that anymore - and I think she 'might' try and plan something, but I think it might be really crap.

So, I'm just going to say I'm not arsed, don't want to do anything.

I'm a grown up. Birthdays shouldn't bother me. Weirdly, the gift thing isn't what bothers me - I think its the lack of giving a shit that hurts.

She's a bloody legend in every other way, so its not like marriage wrecking - just twice a year - I'm always filled with dread at having to pretend to be not arsed - and dreading the moment she finds out I am.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 07/04/2025 16:02

That's crap OP and I'd be very tempted to back off on her birthday. Let her see how it feels.

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 16:02

You are very indecisive and inconsistent with your message I’m not surprised she finds buying for you difficult!

She has no natural ability for this area so either help her with better communication or let it go.

Eyesopenwideawake · 07/04/2025 16:03

Look to the past for your answer - where her parents big on celebrating and gift giving on birthdays and Christmas?

PinkChaires · 07/04/2025 16:05

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 16:02

You are very indecisive and inconsistent with your message I’m not surprised she finds buying for you difficult!

She has no natural ability for this area so either help her with better communication or let it go.

I cant see where you got this from? He states that everytime he brings it up she throws a wobble- so evidently he has showed some displeasure

Hazeby · 07/04/2025 16:06

But if you tell her you’re not bothered and act the same way, then she thinks you’re not bothered. I think you need to tell her that you are bothered.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 07/04/2025 16:06

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 16:02

You are very indecisive and inconsistent with your message I’m not surprised she finds buying for you difficult!

She has no natural ability for this area so either help her with better communication or let it go.

The hell are you on about 😂

OP, that is pure selfishness and laziness from her.

I see birthdays as one day a year that is dedicated to that person. So sad when partners don't even bother with a card.

StartAnew · 07/04/2025 16:06

You keep telling her you don’t care! Be clear. Tell her you want a celebration and help organise it, and tell what gift you want and remind her to buy it. Lots of women have to do that for their partners. Happy birthday.

Unforgettablefire · 07/04/2025 16:07

I would do the same to her. Tell her you forgot, or you’ve ran out of ideas for stuff to gift her after all these years of buying her presents.

bettydavieseyes · 07/04/2025 16:07

Stop pretending you don't care and tell her it hurts your feelings.

TigerRag · 07/04/2025 16:08

I'm not bothered by birthdays. But I'd be annoyed if I'd made all that effort and got nothing in return. It's the lack of thought

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 16:11

So don’t say you’re not arsed if you are in fact arsed.

If there’s something you want send an email to her tonight saying…

IDEAS FOR MY 50th BIRTHDAY…

  1. New tennis racket
  2. trip to Paris
  3. golf lessons
  4. New bike
  5. Cuff links
  6. New running trainers
  7. Meal in swanky restaurant
  8. remote control lawn mower
  9. Ralph Lauren shirt
  10. Trip to see XYZ in the WestEnd

Provide EXACT links for everything.

She’ll be grateful for all the ideas and you get what you want.

If you say you’re not arsed, you’ll get fuck all, because guess what? She’ll think you’re not arsed.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/04/2025 16:12

Voted YABU but i meant that YABU for not raising this with her and leaving her in no doubt that you are not happy with the status quo and you feel underappreciated and overlooked. Absolutely tell her and do not ever again fake being ok with something that you are clearly not ok with.

autisticbookworm · 07/04/2025 16:13

first say if you do or don’t want something rather than complain after. Secondly don’t do as much for your wife if for you it’s reciprocal. Or thirdly treat yourself if she doesn’t it might help you feel less resentful.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 07/04/2025 16:16

Match the effort.

Gumbo · 07/04/2025 16:16

There's a reason the phrase 'its the thought that counts' exists - because that's what really matters. You clearly put a lot of thought into what she wants, but she doesn't care enough about you to do the same. I'm not surprised you're hurt, I would be too.

If she gets in a strop when you dare to mention it, then like pp have suggested the best way to deal with it would be to stop bothering for her as well - I suspect she won't be very happy but she'll at least know what it feels like!

And it's fine to organise your own party, that way you'll get what you want and have the people there who care about you.

Brefugee · 07/04/2025 16:17

it is the same when women come on here and say similar. You are not alligned in your ideas of how birthdays work.

You have to talk like grown ups.

Sherry1978 · 07/04/2025 16:20

LOL. You're her provider.nothing more and nothing less. Wake up.

Eyesopenwideawake · 07/04/2025 16:24

Eyesopenwideawake · 07/04/2025 16:03

Look to the past for your answer - where her parents big on celebrating and gift giving on birthdays and Christmas?

Were. Not where.

bigbird1234 · 07/04/2025 16:49

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 16:02

You are very indecisive and inconsistent with your message I’m not surprised she finds buying for you difficult!

She has no natural ability for this area so either help her with better communication or let it go.

wow

Bogginsthe3rd · 07/04/2025 16:50

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 16:02

You are very indecisive and inconsistent with your message I’m not surprised she finds buying for you difficult!

She has no natural ability for this area so either help her with better communication or let it go.

Please. What twaddle from you.

Jiggedyjig · 07/04/2025 16:59

Maybe stop making the effort for her.

StrongasSixpence · 07/04/2025 17:00

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 16:11

So don’t say you’re not arsed if you are in fact arsed.

If there’s something you want send an email to her tonight saying…

IDEAS FOR MY 50th BIRTHDAY…

  1. New tennis racket
  2. trip to Paris
  3. golf lessons
  4. New bike
  5. Cuff links
  6. New running trainers
  7. Meal in swanky restaurant
  8. remote control lawn mower
  9. Ralph Lauren shirt
  10. Trip to see XYZ in the WestEnd

Provide EXACT links for everything.

She’ll be grateful for all the ideas and you get what you want.

If you say you’re not arsed, you’ll get fuck all, because guess what? She’ll think you’re not arsed.

This. I like organising and buying things for DP. He is less organised with going away and stuff and I think early on was nervous of getting me the wrong stuff. I also enjoy planning trips and like being in control of arrangements.

I sort trips and outings for both our birthdays unless he says he wants to sort something. I also give him a list of the type of things I would like with exams links. He tends to now get some stuff off the list and some stuff he has seen himself and is more confident on picking stuff I'll like.

Communicate.

cestlavielife · 07/04/2025 17:02

So, I smile and say I'm not bothered, doesn't matter.

Well there you go
You tell her you not bothered for 20 years

Stop lying

Obvnotthegolden · 07/04/2025 17:07

If you keep telling her you're not bothered, she probably thinks you're not bothered.

Boomer55 · 07/04/2025 17:09

If she’s that selfish, stop buying her presents. 🤷‍♀️. If you’ve been together that long, then both of you would know what would make the other one happy.

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