Wife NEVER bothers with my birthday - I'm a grown up, why does it p*ss me off so much?

[ChairmanMeow999]

Together nearly 30 years.

Over the years, I've surprised my wife with diamonds, pearls, designer bags, beautiful clothes, some brilliant trips away... Pamper weekends.. All sorts.

And not just - lets throw money at it - I plan things months ahead of time and put real thought into what she might like. I've sent her and her sister away one year too.

Then.... I get absolutely nothing in return.

Recently, I was away with work for my birthday and not so much as a card popped in my bag.

She rings me to say sorry - forgot - didn't know what to get you - will do something lovely when you get home.

But we won't... We never do.

Every Xmas and every birthday she does it - it gets right to the last minute, or on the day she gets kinda upset and says she didn't know what to get - so there's like, a bar of chocolate or something.... Or socks.

If I say anything - she then throws a wobbler, accusing me of having a go at her!!

So, I smile and say I'm not bothered, doesn't matter.

Big one coming up next - and for about 20 years she's promised to get me a gift that I DID want, about 20 years ago but I'm not sure they even make any more.

I'm absolutely dreading it coming up - because I'm going to have to say I'm not really interested in that anymore - and I think she 'might' try and plan something, but I think it might be really crap.

So, I'm just going to say I'm not arsed, don't want to do anything.

I'm a grown up. Birthdays shouldn't bother me. Weirdly, the gift thing isn't what bothers me - I think its the lack of giving a shit that hurts.

She's a bloody legend in every other way, so its not like marriage wrecking - just twice a year - I'm always filled with dread at having to pretend to be not arsed - and dreading the moment she finds out I am.

You put this on reddit too last year.
Women messaging you to say leave her and they will have the diamonds and pearls

Think it's fake.🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I'd simply stop making a fuss on her birthdays, treat her the way she treats you.

Really mean, spiteful and petty - but likely highly effective 😅

Just stop buying. My mam buys us nothing. Its not nice. I cut back as a result.. just zero effort like they do

This is easily fixed. Get her nothing for next birthday. If she complains say you didn't get me anything. She will have nothing to say.

Can you say for my big birthday I would like to go to this hotel/ spa/ place for dinner. Would you be able to organise that for me as my gift?

That’s awful. You have to do the same to her in return.

Buy her smaller gifts and buy yourself something you really want every year for your own birthday.
If you’re otherwise very happy, find a way around it and try not to fixate.

My husband, boyfriend at the time made a major issues about the fact that my birthday was on the same day as another of his close relations and therefore it was an expensive time. The result was I got shit birthdays and in the end just said I hate my birthday so I didn’t have to go through the shit birthday. I now do actually hate my birthday and the mere mention of it angers me. He’s since died so at least I don’t have the anticipation beforehand. Don’t put up with this op…. Or at least make your own birthday brilliant. I have t had a birthday for over twenty years now because of a husband the same as your wife.

Sit her down, tell her it's important to you and help arrange it. You clearly love planning presents and treats, your wife sounds like she is filled with anxiety at the thought of it. So what you do is say exactly what you want for your birthday, send a link to the gift and tell her it's important to you that she makes an effort to get it for you. If you want a party, you are going to have to organise it.

I wouldn’t do anything for her birthday this year, just do the same to her as she does to you

This. “After 20 years of spoiling you, and getting nothing in return, it’s clear you don’t do birthdays…. So I’m taking a leaf out of your book.”

She's a bloody legend in every other way, so its not like marriage wrecking

So birthdays are just not part of her skill set.
You and she have different ways of showing love, different "love languages".
You show love by getting her thoughtful gifts.
How does she show her love?

If you can't answer this, write a list of all the reasons that you are not going to divorce her - good things about her, not just 'finances, housing' etc. In other words, what makes her a "legend"?

If it's only birthdays that are the issue then either accept you get the pleasure of giving for hers, or scale back to match her level. Tbh, I'd have done that ages ago.

He doesn't want anything other than his loved one to make the effort.

My husband is like your wife. So I totally stopped celebrating his birthday and instead made an effort to celebrate my birthday. So now the money goes into lovely dinners / celebrations for me.

Have you heard of the 5 love languages? I wonder if gifts giving is just isn't the way she feels or shows love. I'm the same, I find remembering birthdays, party planning and gift buying very stressful.

Do the love languages quiz with her, you may well learn something about each other and it will give you the opportunity to express how much it means to you without her feeling like you're having a go.

Tell her specifically what you want.
I tell dh specifically.
Else it's a long old life.
Yep, ideal world he would look/listen/plan/surprise. But next best thing is following directions.

Just stop playing mind games and tell her what you want.

Also, the way you describe your gift giving reminds me of DH. He thinks he's amazing at it, prepares well in advance, puts a lot of thought into it, spends a lot. He means well, so I never had the heart to tell him that I only really liked 2 or 3 of the presents he got me over the past 25 years.

Your wife is selfish…its as simple as that! My ex husband was like this, i used to spend every birthday and Christmas disappointed and upset after making an effort for him!

What you say to her is 'look I don't want you to stress about my birthday or Christmas etc so I think we should go no gifts for each other going forward'.

No more for her either. There's no point if it's going to chew you up when it gets to your turn.

Stop pretending you don’t mind, and talk to her about it in plenty of time. She thinks it’s not a big deal to you, and she’s actually really hurting you every birthday and Christmas. Tell her, and let her fix it this time.

If I say anything - she then throws a wobbler, accusing me of having a go at her!!
So, I smile and say I'm not bothered, doesn't matter.
Why do you smile and say you’re not bothered when you are? That’s your chance to say I’m not having a go but it bothers me you don’t make an effort

I'm absolutely dreading it coming up - because I'm going to have to say I'm not really interested in that anymore - and I think she 'might' try and plan something, but I think it might be really crap.
So, I'm just going to say I'm not arsed, don't want to do anything.
Again you’re the one saying you’re not arsed, why give mixed messages, if your bothered speak up. If you keep saying you’re not arsed or not bothered then she’s not going to make a fuss. Use your words instead of silently sulking

Plan your own big birthday celebration if it's important to you. It's just not important to your wife. I bet she doesnt like diamonds and pearls either. I don't. I just pretend to be grateful but inside I'm annoyed that he doesnt understand me! We should all communicate more but it's awkward.