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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a medical abortion?

50 replies

Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 15:42

Hi ladies,
I need a bit of support as I have noone in in my life to help.
I have a young family. Unfortunately my contraception (condoms) failed and I am now 5 weeks pregnant.
I feel that I have completed my family, I dont want anymore kids but at the same time, I feel awful for making this choice.
I have a prolapse, I live in a small flat, I literally cannot physcially or financially afford another.
Please can you let me know if I'm being unreasonable to have an abortion- my main reason for doing this is because I'm trying to prioritise my existing kids over my unborn

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 07/04/2025 15:47

YANBU.

You don’t have to continue with an unwanted pregnancy and you don’t need to justify it. Not wanting a baby is reason enough. I got a lot of support when I had a MA on the pregnancy choices board. It might be worth looking at x

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2025 15:49

most women who have an abortion are already mothers.
https://www.bpas.org/media/2nelmu3y/10-abortion-myths-booklet.pdf

make the choice that works best for you. There is no right or wrong answer.

https://www.bpas.org/media/2nelmu3y/10-abortion-myths-booklet.pdf

Caerulea · 07/04/2025 15:50

You do exactly what you need to! You've no one to answer to or justify yourself to.

Meadowfinch · 07/04/2025 15:52

You do what is right for you and your family. No-one else's business.

There is no reason to bring another baby into the world if you will then struggle to provide that child with a decent childhood, and it will have a negative impact on your other children.

This isn't the 1960s. There is no shame in planning your family sensibly. Sending you hugs. xx.

Crumpleton · 07/04/2025 17:22

YADNBU...

You are being very sensible using forethought and not hindsight.

Hand hold and hugs..

Original poster
Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:24

Thankyou everyone x
I just want to do the right thing for my kids, I am aware of the moral implications of an abortion and the burden feels so heavy.
I'm also scared of the pain, this morning I was in an absolute mess at work because I just want to get this over and done with so I can move on with my life

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 07/04/2025 17:27

You have to do what is right for you and your existing children OP.

FruityCider · 07/04/2025 17:39

The earlier you do it the less painful it will be - though it will still be shit. I had mine at 8 weeks. I knew I didn't want it, knew it was for the best, but hormones are powerful things and I grieved for months. Now it's a sad memory, but one I can talk about. The pill gives you basically a big period. At this stage you won't spot the foetus (sorry, didn't know how else to describe it) in the toilet, so don't worry about that. It will be less than the size of a peanut.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Original poster
Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:39

Thankyou ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:42

FruityCider · 07/04/2025 17:39

The earlier you do it the less painful it will be - though it will still be shit. I had mine at 8 weeks. I knew I didn't want it, knew it was for the best, but hormones are powerful things and I grieved for months. Now it's a sad memory, but one I can talk about. The pill gives you basically a big period. At this stage you won't spot the foetus (sorry, didn't know how else to describe it) in the toilet, so don't worry about that. It will be less than the size of a peanut.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Do you remember how long it took for you to recover? I am hoping to be back on track within 2 days after having the abortion as I have to take care of my kids and I'm not willing to tell my family- I can only imagine their disappointment and shame

OP posts:
Threecraws · 07/04/2025 17:43

No one can tell you whether or not to have an abortion but one thing i would suggest is to sell counselling to help you come to terms with whatever devising you make as it sounds like you are struggling with the decision.

Locutus2000 · 07/04/2025 17:44

Kindly OP, you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread somewhere more sympathetic than AIBU.

Original poster
Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:49

To be fair, I'm looking for honest answers so I dont mind whether I get sympathy or not

OP posts:
FruityCider · 07/04/2025 17:53

Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:42

Do you remember how long it took for you to recover? I am hoping to be back on track within 2 days after having the abortion as I have to take care of my kids and I'm not willing to tell my family- I can only imagine their disappointment and shame

Show quote history

Physically it was only a few days, if that. I went back to work on the Thursday after having it on a Monday - should have given myself the rest of the week as I was very upset but I just about coped. Is there anyone you do feel safe telling? The clinic will probably want you to have someone with you to take you home. It was two pills taken separately - one orally and one vaginally after a couple of days. The symptoms start quickly when you take the pill and it's best to have someone drive you back and stay with you. (I might be getting the exact logistics wrong, it's been a while)

BPAS offer great support. When I went they took me to a separate room away from my partner to make sure it was my own decision, and had a helpline/in person support for the aftermath. They don't make you look at the ultrasound or put any pressure on you.

FruityCider · 07/04/2025 17:55

You can also book the appointment and take as much time as you need to talk with them about the procedure before they actually do it. You can cancel it or change your mind at any time with no judgement from them. I know having an 'escape clause' really helped me!

SnakebitesandSambucas · 07/04/2025 17:55

You don't need anyone's permission to have an abortion. But seek some free counselling to help you. There is no Shame in how you are feeling. I'm not going to vote personally as it seems crass. Whatever you decide, maybe look at some long term contraception like the implant or coil. Putting your existing kids first is not being selfish. And if you feel your family will shame you, is there anyone else in real life to talk too?

IvyNeighbour · 07/04/2025 17:56

It's completely reasonable to have an abortion. I've had one, in theory I could have kept it but wasn't in a position to give it a good life. I feel it was the morally right decision to stop an embryo from growing into an unwanted baby. Do what's right for you, it's no one else's business. I didn't feel guilty or any other bad feelings afterwards. The next day I felt physically and emotionally fine and relieved.

Original poster
Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 18:01

My friends are very much pro life due to religious reasons therefore I know when I do tell them, I'm not going to get much sympathy. Instead they will try and convince me to keep it by saying things like it's a life, its sacred, children are a gift etc. But honestly iv reached my limits in terms of the number of kids I have and I also work full time. I dont spend enough time with them as it is, if I have another, it will be even less. Not to mention the amount of money I will spend will be less if I have another. It's not fair on them, they have enough siblings, I dont think they need or want another

OP posts:
CampanulaMila · 07/04/2025 18:04

Neetra30 · 07/04/2025 17:24

Thankyou everyone x
I just want to do the right thing for my kids, I am aware of the moral implications of an abortion and the burden feels so heavy.
I'm also scared of the pain, this morning I was in an absolute mess at work because I just want to get this over and done with so I can move on with my life

I don’t agree with you that there are “moral implications” to having an abortion - especially at 5 weeks, it really just is a tiny clump of cells!

I had a medical abortion a few years ago - like PP have said, it was basically a heavy period. The clinic will give you a small amount of good painkillers (or at least, they gave me this!) so the cramps aren’t too bad (or weren’t in my experience). Plan for a day on the sofa - get food in, watch some crap TV & prep a hot water bottle. It sounds like having an abortion would absolutely be the right choice for you and your existing children, which makes it the moral choice in my opinion. You shouldn’t feel any shame.

WickWood · 07/04/2025 18:04

I had a termination at around 8 weeks, I've never regretted it for even a second. I had my first appointment and scan at BPAS on the Monday, on the Wednesday i went back for my first set of tablets and on the Friday I returned for the second set. I was in mild pain, honestly just like a normal period for me, on the Friday night and then I was absolutely fine. I would have been fine taking care of children.

Good luck x

BillyBoe46 · 07/04/2025 18:07

I think you should take up the counselling at the clinic so you can talk it through with someone impartial. Only you can make the decision. You just have to do what you can live with. Having another child will have physical, emotional, psychological consequences and so will having an abortion. Neither option is right or easy.

What's your partner saying? My H had a vasectomy when we decided we were done having kids. It was quick and relatively painless. He was back to work in 48 hours and pain free after a week. I wasn't prepared to do anymore to my body and he agreed to take one for the team.

caringcarer · 07/04/2025 18:07

You don't need validation from strangers on a forum if you don't feel you want another DC and are prioritising the DC you already have there is your answer. You tried to prevent the pregnancy from occuring and at 5 weeks now is a good time to do it.

SnakebitesandSambucas · 07/04/2025 18:10

I've never been in a position where I have needed to terminate a pregnancy. But I do know that the law is there for a reason and it is to protect women and enable choice. Your mental health is important as well, ring the helplines if you can or make an appointment. Ignore your friends, your body your choice. I have had multiple misscarriges and loss but I would never tell another women what to do with their body and their lives. Being a responsible parent can mean making some tough choices. You will get some women / posters on here who will pressure your either way. But the services offering impartial support are there for this reason.

BlondeMummyto1 · 07/04/2025 18:11

Do what is best for you. Your friends and family do not need to know.

Zanatdy · 07/04/2025 18:12

Of course its not unreasonable. It sounds like the right choice.