To have a medical abortion?

[Neetra30]

Hi ladies,
I need a bit of support as I have noone in in my life to help.
I have a young family. Unfortunately my contraception (condoms) failed and I am now 5 weeks pregnant.
I feel that I have completed my family, I dont want anymore kids but at the same time, I feel awful for making this choice.
I have a prolapse, I live in a small flat, I literally cannot physcially or financially afford another.
Please can you let me know if I'm being unreasonable to have an abortion- my main reason for doing this is because I'm trying to prioritise my existing kids over my unborn

I got pregnant on the coil, unfortunately.

I didn't regret the abortion I had as a result of that - there would have been additional medical complications even if I'd wanted to continue the pregnancy - but I very much resented being put in the position of having to have one after doing everything 'right'. Especially as the complication of the coil being there meant I was sent to the early pregnancy unit for additional scans, alongside people who were there presumably with pregnancies they were happy to be having.

I had the implant after that because I didn't feel I could relax with another coil, and unfortunately that really, really didn't suit me.

You will recover physically very quickly, though - it's like having a heavier than usual period. I echo the other posters who recommend counselling, though, as it sounds as though you're finding this a difficult decision even though it sounds like your gut says it is the correct one for you.

Unfortunately my partner will not go for a vasectomy and refuses to discuss why.
I'm not able to take hormonal contraceptives due to medical issues and copper coil is not an option for me either because I have a stage 2 bladder prolapse and a slight uterine prolapse too.
I have told him abstinence is the only option, he has agreed let's see for how long though

I know but I just wanted validation to ensure that yes I am thinking rationally and what's best for my kids.

Women may have an abortion for any reason. Of course you should do it if you feel it’s the best choice for you.

You owe no one an explanation and you owe no one the knowledge of what you decide. When I had one, after my husband's failed vasectomy, I was sterilised at the same time. Maybe look into this option?! Good luck x

Well don’t tell them then, if they’re not going to be supportive then they don’t need to know.

Telling pro life friends will make you feel like shit and they will probably try and sway you into making a certain decision that will impact your life - but not theirs!

I think it’s one of those decision where you know deep down it’s the best thing to do. You’re doing the right thing.

That's a shame. Honestly, the vasectomy has been life changing. It's very freeing.

Maybe he'll change his mind after a long spell of abstinence.

I had one last year for the similar reasons. We can’t afford a baby, it wouldn’t have been fair on DS and most importantly we don’t want another baby.

There was no moral dilemma for me, having a baby was simply not an option.

The actual process was fine. I called up BPAS and they did a phone consultation. There was no need for a scan but you might need one if you have any complications or you’re not sure how far along you are. You do have to give a reason and she basically gave me the options of medical or mental health issues and I said mental health. I wasn’t prepared for that question though, so just to let you know. The pills came in the post a few days later with no way of other people telling what they were. I chose to do it over night so DS wouldn’t be aware. You take, I think, one and then 24hours later 4 more marginally (you can take them orally but it can make you sick). I’m not gonna lie, it was painful because I can’t take the codine they sent with it so I only had paracetamol and ibuprofen. I took the 2nd lot at 10pm and it was all over by 3am and I went to sleep. I did leak blood while I was asleep but had gone to sleep on an old duvet cover that I just threw away. I took the next day off work and was back the day after. I had light bleeding off exactly a week after that and then I was back to normal. TBH, I rarely think about it now.

YANBU OP

Could you be sterilised if your partner can’t be arsed? I would be annoyed with him about this though - he expects you to deal with everything. My DH had a vasectomy

Given your updates, OP, you sound very empowered given the influences around you! You should feel proud of that, it takes courage that most people just do not have.

Your reasoning is absolutely sound. You're being level-headed & sensible (unlike your DH, but that's another thread 🙄) putting your children & yourself first - which is absolutely the right thing to do!

No one has the right to make you feel bad about this, it's none of their business. You can update strangers here to get things off your chest but there seems to be no value in telling anyone IRL that's pro-life - you'll only ever be in the wrong.

You are clearly putting your DC first. The pregnancy is only 5 weeks it's not really a baby yet just a fertilised egg.

Absolutely do not tell anyone in real life. You don't need judge pants friends trying to make to feel bad. In terms of your health with a prolapse already having another baby might make it even worse. You are making a sensible and brave decision. Don't feel bad.

@YouHaveAnArse that sounds bloody awful. I can imagine you felt cheated and bloody angry. Going to the EPU unit is stressful at the best of times. But to be in that situation where you knew you needed to end the pregnancy. Yes the coil can fail but I was just thinking of contraception that tends to be long term. But obviously that won't work for OP as she's updated.

Thankyou everyone for your kind words and reassurance 😊. I now feel less alone and more supported

@Neetra30 hope you feel a better about your decision and your reasoning after this thread. Glad it's been kind and supportive so far for you.

Yanbu

Hi everyone- just wanted to provide a quick update.
I did go through the medical abortion, surprisingly it's not that painful (more like a extra crampy period) and was nothing like giving birth. The process was rather quick and smooth.
Emotionally I did get upset and momentarily I did consider keeping it. Unfortunately with 3 children in a 2 bed flat with no fianances to be able to move within the next 3 years means it's not fair on my existing children if I keep this one too.
Sad truth is, I'm not housing my existing children adequately therefore I should not be adding another. As a mother, my priority should be based on what's best for my existing kids before my needs.
I hope if any other mother is in my shoes and if they read this, they will find it reassuring.

You strong and brilliant woman! I’m one of the oldest around here, and I’m nothing but impressed by your love for your children and your practical assessment of what needed to be done.
I’m less impressed by your husband’s failure to do his obvious bit.

You 💯 done the right thing

Glad it physically went ok OP. I think you've done the right thing in your circumstances and you're a great Mum for thinking of your current children ❤️

You sound like a great mum to your children- working hard for them and prioritising their well-being. For what it's worth, I think you've made exactly the right choice, and i hope you can be at peace with your decision. Be kind to yourself for the next few days.

Thankyou everyone.
Unfortunately when I informed one of my pro life friends (who I am quite close to) the conversation did not go well.
She said that if she was in my shoes she would have kept the baby due to religious and family backgrounds
When I questioned her how she would have ensured successful outcomes for potentially 4 children despite the lack of financial stability (because I explained that my family are not high earners and we are not able to move within the next couple of years) she was not able to say only that 'situations are different'.
I wish I had never told her at all, she doesnt understand that I did this for the love of my existing kids

Well done OP, abortion is difficult for everyone but you've an added layer which makes you seriously brave imo.

You are an incredible mum OP. You really are.

Be kind to yourself. You did the right thing for your children x