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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws taking advantage

47 replies

shelle07 · 07/04/2025 07:58

My SIL lives 2 hours away but only comes to see her mother once a year for an afternoon, and that is always at my house while I play host. We have the MIL every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day, we even have to bring her with us to my family when we go there. It’s always about the MIL’s needs first, with no consideration that I need quality time with my own family too.

Fed up of the burden all being on us and frankly I think it’s unfair. We have busy jobs too and our own family to take care of. MIL never comes to see us unless she is invited (she lives 2 mins away) and when she does come over she treats our place like a hotel and sits to be waited on. She shows no interest in our kids and their lives, which I struggle with given that she lives so close to us. It’s always about her. Christmas is always about making sure she is happy, and tending to her needs first.

We are going away over Easter for a much needed break, so DH has suggested to SIL that she needs to step up and make more effort to see MIL who is currently unwell, but SIL has retorted that she is too busy working (she works in a church voluntarily and Easter is her busier time).

MIL is very needy and manipulative of DH. She doesn’t go to stay with SIL either making dozens of excuses, and yet in the next breath we never stop hearing how wonderful SIL is. Feel like we are being played by the in-laws but DH just wants to keep the peace, so feels like I’m the one who loses out, and my children.

OP posts:

TheSassyAmberNewt · 07/04/2025 08:02

YANBU. What are you going to do about it? You can’t change SIL and you don’t need to take care of MIL. Just start taking care of yourself. Say no. Tell your DH no. Don’t wait on her. What’s your fear if you do these things? Because I’m betting if you aren’t afraid on some level then you would have set boundaries already.

Thirteenblackcat · 07/04/2025 08:04

Sounds rubbish. Enjoy your break away, let these two pampered princesses sort it out between themselves, and MIL will see SIL for what she really is.

Your DH needs to be firmer with them both for the sake of the family he lives with

Stirfries · 07/04/2025 08:05

The only behaviour you can change here is your own.

Iamstumblingin · 07/04/2025 08:11

YANBU. I am identical situation to your, except it’s BIL and we all live within 20 mins of each other. I was more sensitive about it all when DC were small, because for these major annual events you are at home, so she comes as a centrepiece. You have done well to create a precedent of not being there. You can’t make your SIL step up, but it is selfish of her not to - just like my BIL will only have her when it suits him, never on the actual event, there is always an excuse. But what you can do is let your DH serve and entertain MIL, enjoy your days and make yourself and children the heart of your home, you have the power to do that. What I also find frustrating is that MIL never hosts herself, would not even offer a drink if we popped round. On these grounds I have left all care of her to DH.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2025 08:26

we even have to bring her with us to my family when we go there

No, you don't.

Tell your husband how you feel and say you want to see your own family without having to think about whether MIL is happy or not. Your husband can choose to go to her house or to come with you.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/04/2025 08:28

I can't believe that you have to take your MIL with you when you visit your family? Whose idea was that? If it was your DH, he is being completely unreasonable.

SIL doesn't sound very Christian to me if she never bothers to visit her own mother, particularly as she only volunteers so I assume would have the time to do this.

If she only comes to your house when she is invited, stop inviting her. Stop waiting on her hand and foot and making Christmas all about her. Let your DH go and visit her.

JustMyView13 · 07/04/2025 08:32

Wild that SIL volunteers at the church BEFORE looking out for her own family. Says a lot about her priorities.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2025 08:37

Well - YOU don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to wait on her at all- go out if it’s too awful. And, no, no you don’t have to take her to your family. Just say no.

TheSassyAmberNewt · 07/04/2025 08:39

JustMyView13 · 07/04/2025 08:32

Wild that SIL volunteers at the church BEFORE looking out for her own family. Says a lot about her priorities.

Yes and it could say good things tbh. Good on SIL for not pandering to a needy mother and finding something that she thinks is worthwhile and brings her joy.

OP, you could learn from her rather than trying to drag her down to your level.

Shelby2010 · 07/04/2025 08:43

How old is MIL? Is she frail & infirm & needs looking after?

How far away are your family? Why would she even know you are visiting, let alone expecting to go to?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 08:49

You have options. The most obvious one is not taking her to your family. Poor them! They haven’t asked for an uninvited guest every time they see you. Stop them immediately.

How much effort is DH making with his mum vs you?

If he’s about keeping the peace you need to start making it much less convenient for him to piss you off. He shouldn’t be more concerned about his mum or sisters feelings than his wife’s and his children’s.

Stagshear · 07/04/2025 08:52

I don’t get it. Don’t want to see her more or less? You complain about how much you see her, but then say she only lives two minutes away and you are always the one inviting? Do you want her to issue more invites so you have to go round there as well?

Don’t know what your issue with SIL is, she has just put in place her own boundaries- you can do the same.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 07/04/2025 08:52

SIL is in no way at fault. She is capable of holding her boundaries.

The question is why are you so bad?

Mudkipper · 07/04/2025 09:00

Honestly, I can see why your SIL has other priorities. Your MIL sounds selfish. How old is she?

Hoppinggreen · 07/04/2025 09:04

Its none of your business how often SIl sees MIL so you should keep out of that BUT you don't have to put up with any of the nonsense around taking MIL to your family or running around after MIL when she visits you.
Change what you do/put up with and let everyone else sort out their own relationshipa

godmum56 · 07/04/2025 09:11

Stirfries · 07/04/2025 08:05

The only behaviour you can change here is your own.

This. Set your boundaries regarding what YOU will do and enforce them. Let others do the same.

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 09:16

DH has suggested to SIL that she needs to step up and make more effort to see MIL who is currently unwell, but SIL has retorted that she is too busy working

Your DH made a suggestion. SIL declined it. She doesn't have to 'step up and make more effort' just because your DH wants her to. She's chosen not to live 2 mins from MIL for a reason. I don't see this as being a SIL issue and if you don't want to host her visits, then don't. How much you see your MIL is on your DH. You don't have to facilitate if you don't want to or to wait on her when she visits. They can only 'take advantage' if you let them.

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 09:18

SIL doesn't have to do anything. You don't either, but you're doing everything. Why?

You got yourself into this weird codependency relationship with your mil, you're the only one who can get out of it.

Kisskiss · 07/04/2025 09:19

How old is she? My in laws also would treat our place like a hotel and sit and wait to be served beer and wine all day. I was fed up after the second 3 week visit and decided I wouldn’t serve anything, told them to help themselves and felt much better for it.
its different I guess if she is not very mobile and needs to be waited on

Kisskiss · 07/04/2025 09:21

Also, I agree with a PP, why is your dh suggesting what his sister should be doing? He decides what he wants to do . Full stop

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 07/04/2025 09:27

An adult daughter who will only visit her mother once a year for half a day on neutral ground is not the norm in happy families. Sounds like there is some backstory there.

I wouldn’t try to force someone to get more involved with their own relative if they’re disinclined to. You have no idea what pain you’re prodding.

You are well within your rights to step back and let MIL’s actual children arrange it between themselves, though.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 07/04/2025 09:28

SiL is doing it correctly. Follow her lead.

Everything you wrote is a choice. You both choose to bring the woman to your relatives house, you (both) choose to make christmas all about her, pander to her, host her, put her first.

You can simply choose to opt out. It's that easy.
Your enmeshed husband can do all the hosting he wants, let him pander to the woman. Go about your day, take your kids out for dinner, visit a friend, do a hobby. Give the woman as much thought as her actual daughter does.

LighthouseTeaCup · 07/04/2025 09:31

You don't have a MIL problem. Or a SIL problem

You have a husband problem

Keepitrealnomists · 07/04/2025 09:31

I'm an adult daughter, my mum is toxic at worst, difficult at best. I try not to see her often. My brother is her favourite so I let them get on with it.
I'm sorry but your being taken for a ride and allowing yourself to go with it, if your not happy then speak up and stop being walked all over. Set your own boundaries.

FinishLast · 07/04/2025 09:35

You can't control others (MiL/Sil) , only put in your own ( agreed with DH) boundaries.

I'm reading and listening to ‘Let them’ - it maybe of use to you.
https://www.melrobbins.com

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