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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws taking advantage

47 replies

shelle07 · 07/04/2025 07:58

My SIL lives 2 hours away but only comes to see her mother once a year for an afternoon, and that is always at my house while I play host. We have the MIL every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day, we even have to bring her with us to my family when we go there. It’s always about the MIL’s needs first, with no consideration that I need quality time with my own family too.

Fed up of the burden all being on us and frankly I think it’s unfair. We have busy jobs too and our own family to take care of. MIL never comes to see us unless she is invited (she lives 2 mins away) and when she does come over she treats our place like a hotel and sits to be waited on. She shows no interest in our kids and their lives, which I struggle with given that she lives so close to us. It’s always about her. Christmas is always about making sure she is happy, and tending to her needs first.

We are going away over Easter for a much needed break, so DH has suggested to SIL that she needs to step up and make more effort to see MIL who is currently unwell, but SIL has retorted that she is too busy working (she works in a church voluntarily and Easter is her busier time).

MIL is very needy and manipulative of DH. She doesn’t go to stay with SIL either making dozens of excuses, and yet in the next breath we never stop hearing how wonderful SIL is. Feel like we are being played by the in-laws but DH just wants to keep the peace, so feels like I’m the one who loses out, and my children.

OP posts:
FvhgvgghhNC · 07/04/2025 09:36

Both you/DH and SIL are entitled to spend whatever amount of time you choose with MIL. You can’t expect your SIL to spend more time with her if she doesn’t want to, it’s her time to spend as she wants.

The reason you feel resentful is because deep down you want to do the same as SIL, but feel obligation and guilt to entertain MIL despite your feelings. There’s no medal for that, and you are only hurting yourself by allowing her to impose on every special occasion like that.

You should be taking a leaf out of your SILs book, and just saying ‘no’ to your MIL. You aren’t obliged to have her on every special occasion. If she complains just point her in the direction of your SIL, point out the unfairness.

LighthouseTeaCup · 07/04/2025 09:39

SIL lives 2 hours away but only comes to see her mother once a year for an afternoon, and that is always at my house while I play host.
Stop inviting them. Or let DH invite them and go out for the day. Or invite them and don't be a host/doormat

We have the MIL every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day,
Stop inviting them. Or let DH invite them and go out for the day. Or invite them and don't be a host/doormat

we even have to bring her with us to my family when we go there.
That's ridiculous. No you don't. Just don't

MIL never comes to see us unless she is invited
This works in your favour. Don't invite her

when she does come over she treats our place like a hotel and sits to be waited on.
Don't wait on her

MIL is very needy and manipulative of DH... but DH just wants to keep the peace, so feels like I’m the one who loses out, and my children.
Like I said, you have a husband problem

SunsetCocktails · 07/04/2025 09:42

People will only take advantage if you let them. Stop hosting, stop taking her to visit your family (that’s just strange imo) and let husband step up and do the work because, after all, she’s his mother.

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 09:52

If she doesn't see you unless you invite her, then you have all the power to not invite her and not do any of the things that you don't want to do.

CautiousLurker01 · 07/04/2025 10:04

Stop inviting MiL, to your house or to visit your family?

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/04/2025 10:18

YABU for going along with it. If MIL lives 2 minutes away, there is no need for your SIL to visit her at your house. When you are visiting your family, just go visit. Don't tell MIL and definitely don't take her with you. Go away at Easter and enjoy your break. MIL is perfectly capable of contacting SIL if she wants her to visit. You need to make changes to your own behaviour.

cakeisallyouneed · 07/04/2025 11:12

I have to confess to being slightly confused as it feels you want to reduce MIL visits to your house but then also say she only comes round when invited. I suggest slowly reducing the invites. I also echo other PPs getting your DH to take the lead on these visits. I started doing this and it’s totally changed things for me. I greet MIL make some small talk and then excuse myself. Sometimes I go out, sometimes I get jobs done upstairs etc. I just carry on with my day. Ultimately it’s DH she really wants to see. Also rather than always inviting her round could your DH just ask to go round and see her? Your DHs time with his DM does not need to be fully supervised, attended and catered for by you.

Original poster
shelle07 · 07/04/2025 21:16

I do think SIL has put in boundaries for herself, but then she expects us to bring her mother down to see her, and messages us asking us to do things for her mother. And yes the problem is really with us. We need to stop people pleasing and be more like SIL and just say no.
it is true that I can’t control their behaviour but I can control mine, and I need to just leave them to sort themselves out.

OP posts:
Watermill · 07/04/2025 21:19

I don’t understand this.

What would happen if you saw your family without MIL? How would she even know?

Is this a DH problem?

Elsvieta · 07/04/2025 21:25

Drop the rope; whether your dh picks it up is his choice. If he wants to "host", he can - you take the dc out somewhere fun (kiddy activities MIL won't like), or to see your friends / relatives or whatever, and leave her behind with dh. Better yet, go and see your friends by yourself and the dc stay with dh and MIL. Don't ask or apologise; just do it. Have fun!

Original poster
shelle07 · 07/04/2025 21:33

DH worries about leaving his widowed mother on her own at Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day as he feels too guilty. DH feels the responsibility is his as his sister doesn’t help to share the load.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 07/04/2025 21:40

shelle07 · 07/04/2025 21:33

DH worries about leaving his widowed mother on her own at Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day as he feels too guilty. DH feels the responsibility is his as his sister doesn’t help to share the load.

You should just take the kids and spend Christmas/Easter with your own family. Your DH can either spend Christmas/Easter with his mum or he can tell his sister that he is visiting your family and their mum isn't invited so if his sister doesn't step up, she will be on her own.

MoreChocPls · 07/04/2025 21:43

Your dh need to take a stand too. Next time ti see your family, go without her. It’s crazy she has to go everywhere, especially when she doesn’t even contribute to the family dynamics.

Gundogday · 07/04/2025 21:46

Stirfries · 07/04/2025 08:05

The only behaviour you can change here is your own.

This. To put it kindly, she’s only getting away with it, because you let her. Stop being so accommodating, .

CarpetKnees · 07/04/2025 22:05

LighthouseTeaCup · 07/04/2025 09:39

SIL lives 2 hours away but only comes to see her mother once a year for an afternoon, and that is always at my house while I play host.
Stop inviting them. Or let DH invite them and go out for the day. Or invite them and don't be a host/doormat

We have the MIL every Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day,
Stop inviting them. Or let DH invite them and go out for the day. Or invite them and don't be a host/doormat

we even have to bring her with us to my family when we go there.
That's ridiculous. No you don't. Just don't

MIL never comes to see us unless she is invited
This works in your favour. Don't invite her

when she does come over she treats our place like a hotel and sits to be waited on.
Don't wait on her

MIL is very needy and manipulative of DH... but DH just wants to keep the peace, so feels like I’m the one who loses out, and my children.
Like I said, you have a husband problem

This covers all the answers I was going to give.

@shelle07 I'm glad you have agreed that you don't have to do most of the things you are complaining about. Good to realise you can control what you will or won't do.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/04/2025 23:35

If she never comes unless she's invited, and you don't want her there, can't you just stop inviting her? Is she actually struggling and needing to be cared for, why does SIL need to do anything for her when she goes away? And not sure why you've made it a thing of taking her when you go to your family either, just stop?

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2025 23:56

but DH just wants to keep the peace, so feels like I’m the one who loses out, and my children.

Another one whose idea of keeping the peace is putting partner and kids through shit. Funny how they roll over for everyone else because they don't like confrontation but are happy to upset their immediate family.

You have to make him more concerned about upsetting you than upsetting his mother. That's not easy when you've given in before but enough's enough.

If his mother comes round HE does the hosting, the fetching and the carrying and the waiting on.

If he insists his mother can't be alone at Christmas etc then HE keeps her company and you go to your family. I know that you'd probably prefer to spend those times together but you need to show him you're serious. To quote Princess Di, there are three people in this marriage.

BeaAndBen · 08/04/2025 00:11

You have a DH problem, not a SIL problem. If SIL isn’t interested in seeing her mother much, you don’t have to leap in to compensate.

Sometimes MIL will be by herself. Or she could arrange to see see friends. You aren’t obliged to entertain her on every possible occasion.

autisticbookworm · 08/04/2025 08:20

I would leave dh to pop round on Mother’s Day for a hour and spend rest of day just you guys . Easter either don’t see her or if your home again dh nips round maybe with kids for a hour. Christmas I’d let her come Xmas day as I couldn’t see someone alone or see her Xmas and do your family on Boxing Day.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/04/2025 08:29

shelle07 · 07/04/2025 21:16

I do think SIL has put in boundaries for herself, but then she expects us to bring her mother down to see her, and messages us asking us to do things for her mother. And yes the problem is really with us. We need to stop people pleasing and be more like SIL and just say no.
it is true that I can’t control their behaviour but I can control mine, and I need to just leave them to sort themselves out.

Exactly this. You know the problem and you know the solution.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 09:06

Your dh isn’t ‘just too nice’ or whatever words you’ve used in your head to defend him. He’s weak and a coward. He is happily making your life miserable because he’s ‘just too nice.’ But he isn’t is he? Not to you.

Original poster
shelle07 · 08/04/2025 09:41

Thank you everyone. It’s good to get other perspectives and have my eyes opened. Time for me to start putting myself first and leave them to it.

OP posts:
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