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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit violated after this date? TW:SA?

51 replies

Tenthirtypm · 06/04/2025 22:49

Went on a date last night, date went okayish but I had already decided that I didn't think there was much longevity in it about half way through but politely carried on and tried to be open minded. We had dinner and played pool. After dinner, date tried to kiss me and I declined. We then played a few games of pool and after going back to the car, date tried to kiss me again. This time I reciprocated the kiss, partly to see if there was any 'spark' between us, partly out of feeling obligated, partly because I was a little tipsy (not major though). The kiss was steamier than I would have wanted it to be but I still went along for a few seconds before date started grabbing my breast and bum. At this point I said stop and pulled away and said I wanted to go home now. We get to my drop off point and date reaches in for a hug and then kisses me again, which I reciprocate but this time out of feeling like I had to because I really didn't but did not know how to say no. Again, it was a steamy kiss and I pulled away after 2-3 seconds and date pulled me back and continued and then started touching my breasts again, at which point I said stop again, thanked date for meal and said goodbye.

I've been feeling a bit violated about the groping part and it's been playing on my mind all day. Sent date a message to say I felt disrespected and uncomfortable and don't wish to date any further, date basically laughed it off and said I wanted it because I kissed him and bit his lip (lip biting was actually on accident).

On reflection I can see the multiple ways in which I went wrong but aibu to feel violated still or was it my fault/date did nothing wrong?

OP posts:
therealtrunchbull · 06/04/2025 22:52

YANBU to feel violated, I would have chinned him for grabbing my breast during a first kiss on a first date, the horrible little man

Agapornis · 06/04/2025 22:55

You said no multiple times and he ignored and dismisses it.You did nothing wrong, maybe bite harder on the next fucker that tries this shit.

A palm heel strike to the nose is very effective.

Silsatrip · 06/04/2025 22:58

You did nothing wrong.

Participating in a kiss is not agreeing to being groped.

WineIsMyMainVice · 06/04/2025 22:59

Don’t let him make you feel like it was your fault! You did nothing wrong.

LootLlama · 06/04/2025 23:02

You did nothing wrong. He’s a twat.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 06/04/2025 23:06

He wouldn't take no for an answer and he sexually assaulted you. No wonder you feel violated.
Flowers

Pigeonqueen · 06/04/2025 23:07

This is not your fault and you were clear enough that he shouldn’t have groped you.

I wouldn’t have got in the car with him. He sounds awful.

suburberphobe · 06/04/2025 23:07

A palm heel strike to the nose is very effective.

Please do NOT do this. A man ultimately is stronger than you and he could have hit you in the face in return. A woman in a car is very vulnerable in that enclosed space.

FFS, don't tell a woman to resort to violence unless she is in true danger.
A high heel you can whip off to the balls is way more effective.

OP, you need to tighten your boundaries.

If you're not feeling it politely make your exit. Always have taxi or Uber money on you.

3678194b · 06/04/2025 23:28

Sounds like a creep and yes I would feel the same. Clearly after one thing.

wishiwasupahill · 06/04/2025 23:38

Yuck.

put him out your head. I know it’s hard, but don’t give any more power than he’s already tried to take.

block him. Try to forget.

Tenthirtypm · 06/04/2025 23:48

Thank you for the kind replies.

He's already blocked. Gonna try and put this behind me, safe to say I won't be dating again in a longgg time (this was my first in 2 and a half years).

OP posts:
Tenthirtypm · 07/04/2025 00:13

Silsatrip · 06/04/2025 22:58

You did nothing wrong.

Participating in a kiss is not agreeing to being groped.

This is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
SallyDraperGetInHere · 07/04/2025 00:19

Glad you’ve blocked him as a preemptive measure. A similar unexpected grope happened me on a date lately, where I’d said no (the evening had started well, but he kept turning the conversation to topics I said were out of bounds, and the whole thing ended up being a miserable experience) and I was completely taken aback when lunged at. I was expecting an apologetic/regretful text which never came.

Shoezembagsforever · 07/04/2025 00:43

WineIsMyMainVice · 06/04/2025 22:59

Don’t let him make you feel like it was your fault! You did nothing wrong.

This!!

PeachBlossom1234 · 07/04/2025 00:44

Please don’t get in a car with a stranger, make your own way to and from a date x

cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 01:13

There's a lot to unpack here.

Why did you feel "obligated" to go along with it after the first decline? How did you decline and what was his reaction?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 07/04/2025 01:13

Allowing/reciprocating a kiss isn't a greenlight for further activity without consent, because where is the line?

You do let him grope your breast so then that gives permission to grab your vulva?

He grabs your vulva and then that means he can try to get inside your underwear?

Enthusiastic and continuous consent is the only way.

His response shows he isn't a safe person. The he should have said that he is sorry that his actions caused you to feel that way and although you won't be seeing him again he will take the feedback onboard and improve and reflect.

(I have had a date say exactly this to me and it showed he understood he messed up. Your date is the type to say "she asked for it your honour").

And there are many, many ways to ask for consent in a super sexy way. It doesn't make the interaction stilted or awkward if someone has an ounce of emotional intelligence and chemistry with you.

4kids3pets · 07/04/2025 01:31

No way was it correct behaviour to grope but on the other hand I would evaluate my behaviour as to why it looked like I was continuing to lead him on and why it was ok to car share a stranger basically

JoyousPinkPeer · 07/04/2025 02:14

Moving forward ... make your own transport arrangements and pay yoyr way so you are not in a position to have to 'thank them for the meal'.

Clarinet1 · 07/04/2025 03:44

JoyousPinkPeer · 07/04/2025 02:14

Moving forward ... make your own transport arrangements and pay yoyr way so you are not in a position to have to 'thank them for the meal'.

I always thought these were generally standard procedure for clued-up women dating men they barely knew.

Cursory · 07/04/2025 06:46

Agapornis · 06/04/2025 22:55

You said no multiple times and he ignored and dismisses it.You did nothing wrong, maybe bite harder on the next fucker that tries this shit.

A palm heel strike to the nose is very effective.

So you think a physical assault in a situation which would have put the OP in immediate danger is a good response?

cardboardvillage · 07/04/2025 06:51

I think best to get taxi home from dates

you don’t want to be stuck in a car with a weirdo

he sounds vile

cardboardvillage · 07/04/2025 06:52

JoyousPinkPeer · 07/04/2025 02:14

Moving forward ... make your own transport arrangements and pay yoyr way so you are not in a position to have to 'thank them for the meal'.

Agree

Tenthirtypm · 07/04/2025 06:54

PeachBlossom1234 · 07/04/2025 00:44

Please don’t get in a car with a stranger, make your own way to and from a date x

Sadly he wasn't a stranger, have known him about 10 years

OP posts:
Tenthirtypm · 07/04/2025 06:56

Clarinet1 · 07/04/2025 03:44

I always thought these were generally standard procedure for clued-up women dating men they barely knew.

Again, just to reiterate, he is not a stranger. I have known him for over 10 years. I wanted to drive and he insisted on picking me up.

OP posts: