To feel a bit violated after this date? TW:SA?

[Tenthirtypm]

Went on a date last night, date went okayish but I had already decided that I didn't think there was much longevity in it about half way through but politely carried on and tried to be open minded. We had dinner and played pool. After dinner, date tried to kiss me and I declined. We then played a few games of pool and after going back to the car, date tried to kiss me again. This time I reciprocated the kiss, partly to see if there was any 'spark' between us, partly out of feeling obligated, partly because I was a little tipsy (not major though). The kiss was steamier than I would have wanted it to be but I still went along for a few seconds before date started grabbing my breast and bum. At this point I said stop and pulled away and said I wanted to go home now. We get to my drop off point and date reaches in for a hug and then kisses me again, which I reciprocate but this time out of feeling like I had to because I really didn't but did not know how to say no. Again, it was a steamy kiss and I pulled away after 2-3 seconds and date pulled me back and continued and then started touching my breasts again, at which point I said stop again, thanked date for meal and said goodbye.

I've been feeling a bit violated about the groping part and it's been playing on my mind all day. Sent date a message to say I felt disrespected and uncomfortable and don't wish to date any further, date basically laughed it off and said I wanted it because I kissed him and bit his lip (lip biting was actually on accident).

On reflection I can see the multiple ways in which I went wrong but aibu to feel violated still or was it my fault/date did nothing wrong?

I don't think I led him on. As others have said, I agreed to the kiss, not to have my breasts and bum grabbed. Also, he's not a stranger, he's a friend of the family and have known him over 10 years. Would never in a million years allow a stranger to pick me up/drop me off. I didn't think I needed to question my safety around him. Obviously I now know better.

Absolutely this.
If course he shouldn’t have groped you but my goodness the mixed signals you were giving him were plentiful!! For your own benefit don’t do this! Have a think about your feelings of obligation and maybe don’t go on any dates until you have come to a place of self-security. It’s not helping anyone with this behaviour.

Next time OP give yourself permission to walk away.

Learn how to set boundaries.

Never allow a stranger to collect you. Meet at the arranged place using your own transport. Always let a trusted person know where you are going and who with.
Never go for a meal as a first date - if you don't get on you're stuck with them for an hour or so. A 'coffee date' in town is better.

I'm sorry this happened to you. x

Absolutely not your fault. But at least you know who he is now - a man who has little respect for your boundaries and none at all for your feelings. Sorry this happened to you. They’re such fucking twats, aren’t they?

He very definitely should not have persisted in the groping when you made it very clear it was not what you wanted.
Probably best not to participate in kissing unless you are really sure about it. That participation does NOT mean it is OK for him to take it further, but might have sent a mixed message.
Please don't abandon dating if you are seeking a partner. There are decent men out there and I hope you find yours.

She’s said 5 times now that he wasn’t a stranger. He was a family friend she’s known for 10 years.

Ironic how many times she’s had to repeat this on a thread that’s basically about not being listened to.

Thank you. You summed it up so perfectly that it's made me cry. I didn't want to be groped which is why I stopped it both times. Yes I shouldn't have got in the car etc but I did because I thought I was clear when I said no the first time and he is not a stranger to me. I expected him to be more apologetic when I brought it up but to basically say I wanted it because I allowed the kiss, honestly making my question my own sanity.

He may well be a "family friend" but this is not a "family" situation. It was a date.

So the same rules about safety apply.

TWATS!!

Noted, thank you

What the fuck

If you've known him for 10 years had you had much contact with him over those 10 years? Why did it take only halfway through a date to realise he wasnt for you?

I definitely wouldn't kiss a man (especially twice) if I thought he wasnt for me, but wrong that he took it further.

❤️ thank you

100% will be giving myself permission.
He wasn't a stranger though. I think that's why I didn't. We will almost certainly cross paths again and I didn't want it to be awkward or the situation to turn nasty if I tried, I was in shock tbh but will never allow myself to be in a situation like that ever again. I wanted to drive but he insisted on picking me up which I took to be chivalrous. Date was originally supposed to be drinks but I changed to a meal so we could talk and so that alcohol didn't influence anyone's behaviour. I engineered the drop off so that my car was at my sister's so that there was no chance he'd try to get inside my house when dropping me off at home (toilet etc). I really tried to be as safe as I thought I needed to be 'just in case'.

This is your learning point op. Don't make yourself vulnerable and don't kiss anyone out of a sense of obligation.

Steamy kisses would give a mixed signal imo
Long term friends also raised the familiarity maybe, as in you had already done the getting to know each other
Good you clearly articulated it in the end so you both understood.

Plenty of contact. I've always thought he wasn't for me but he has pursued me for many of those 10 years. I guess I gave in and thought 1 date won't hurt and if it goes great then who knows? I've only ever been around him with others, never had any real conversation other than surface/small talk so thought I was being a bit shallow by not giving him a chance mostly based on physical attraction, not my 'type' but not unattractive

If the first kiss was too full on and you didnt like it, why on earth do another kiss later on inside his car?

Although it is important to remember safety rules, we shouldn't have to. That's the issue.

We live in a society where some (most) men still see women's bodies as existing for their pleasure. They believe they are born with the right to touch and receive pleasure from women, rather than it being a privilege.

The arrogance with which they operate through life is reinforced by things like the rape convictions rates sitting at around 1%. There are no real consequences for pushing or violating boundaries, so they just see how far they can go before you "make a fuss".

So yes, we have to take steps to keep ourselves safe, but we shouldnt have to. And we should be able to acknowledge the injustice of it all and how so often women's safety comes with a healthy dose of victim blaming (see PPs).

Common sense comes into it though. Regardless of whether you are male or female. Why kiss someone on more than one occasion if your not into them. Especially given what happened the first time, do it again is that not mixed signals.

I explained in my first post

Thank you ❤️

Because you felt you had to and didnt know how to say no? You say thanks for a nice evening and then get out the car. Your not silly because you describe how you engineered things earlier on for safety, like not having him drop you off at home.

The moment they start to 'insist' is the time to step away, IME.

But I appreciate that it doesn't feel as clear cut with someone you've known for 10 years!

This is the problem with NAMALT. Because you really do have no idea which ones are.

He paid for the date and made it clear he would be paying before the date. Can you imagine if I took that as an invitation to order a few bottles of the most expensive champagne and run the bill into the thousands? I thought some things are just common courtesy. I'm not negating the fact that I should have never gone on the date, or should have driven myself, or should have walked away after the first incident outside the car. I know where I went wrong but I still feel violated. Coming on this post to tell me what I already know isn't helpful. I wanted to know if I was being reasonable to feel that way. I am 30 years old and haven't dated in 2 and a half years. I tried to take steps prior to the date to mitigate any 'undesirable' outcomes e.g. switching to dinner rather than drinks, making him drop me off at my sister's instead of home so the option of coming inside isn't available. I did these things not because I didn't trust him but to try and not be in an awkward situation as a woman. I thought I'd be safe in public. I'm usually a strong person so to feel helpless in the situation is embarrassing for me. I am so disappointed in myself. His reaction to my initially polite message proves my concerns right. In the moment, I did not want to offend him out concern for my safety. If withstanding a kiss means I will make it home then so be it, it's the groping that made me feel uncomfortable. My fear was that if I told him to get the fuck off me, which is what was going through my head, things could turn ugly. Thank you to those who understand where I am coming from, I have no words for the others. Will be leaving the thread now as I just want to move past this.