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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cut out DD's best friend

43 replies

ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 22:31

In a pickle. I know you are not meant to judge other kids but I have always been a bit on edge about DD's best friend, let's call her Lisa. The girls are 8 years old. Lisa gets easily jealous and mopy.

An example from a playdate this week: DD did monkey bars very well, Lisa wasn't able to, she walked around moping about ignoring all DD's attempts to cheer her up and running away from her, then later on lied saying she's half deaf.

Another example from DD's birthday party, Lisa was in a bad mood (other family members noticed and pointed it out too), didn't want to participate in activities due to being in a mood and cried a few times due to noise. She tried to keep small prizes from a game, she'd hid them in her pocket and didn't confess until I said to Lisa's team, "well, someone here's not being honest because we're still missing 2 (insert item here)".

I once saw her getting a telling-off at school pickup, having clearly taken something from someone else that didn't belong to her.

Lisa can be very, very sweet at times, but encourages really poor behaviour in DD, whom may I add is nowhere near perfect herself and struggles with attitude problems for sure. But once she is with Lisa she is levels of disrespectful I can't even describe, and Lisa eggs her on and will say stuff like "Don't speak to (insert DD's name here) like that" to my partner and I, and will tell DD to do something she knows will piss us off.

I am, however, most concerned that Lisa apparently has a boyfriend and they talk about stuff like this at age 8?? They are kids for fucks sake! I find this so so inappropriate. Maybe that's just me? But I just want DD to not worry about stuff like this and just stay in an innocent, age-appropriate mindset.

But it's also Lisa's parents.... to put it briefly, they would let their kids get away with murder. They are so quick to point out when DD is being disrespectful but never, or so very rarely, when Lisa is. It's just so tiring.

I want to cut playdates but they're "besties for life", and parents reach out very often about playdates. Would cutting off contact be selfish or would you do it?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 06/04/2025 22:36

Yeah i'd knock that right on the head.

An 8 year old telling me not to talk to my dd like that 😂she'd be gone before you could say "cheeky little madam".

CrazylazyJane · 06/04/2025 22:37

Cut the play dates. You and Lisa’s parents are on different parenting pages and it’s influencing your daughter in a negative way. Part of being a good parent is making decisions that aren’t popular with your kids in order to keep them safe physically and mentally. You don’t have to cut contact and play dates completely but cut them right back to limit the influence Lisa can have on your daughter.

ThDanielDay · 06/04/2025 22:45

Your parenting attitudes don't gel, it's not Lisa it's her parents.

Original poster
ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 22:58

ThDanielDay · 06/04/2025 22:45

Your parenting attitudes don't gel, it's not Lisa it's her parents.

Isnt it both though?

OP posts:
Original poster
ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:15

DenholmElliot11 · 06/04/2025 22:36

Yeah i'd knock that right on the head.

An 8 year old telling me not to talk to my dd like that 😂she'd be gone before you could say "cheeky little madam".

😂😂😂 It’s so hard not to say anything. You can’t tell off someone else’s kid.

OP posts:
MumChp · 06/04/2025 23:20

I would cut play dates at home.
I would meet at the play ground for an hour or two.

CrazylazyJane · 06/04/2025 23:21

ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:15

😂😂😂 It’s so hard not to say anything. You can’t tell off someone else’s kid.

Show quote history

But apparently someone else’s kid can tell you off 😵‍💫 And that is why Lisa needs to play less of a role in your child’s life.

Dery · 06/04/2025 23:28

@ISthiswronggg Actually, you can tell off someone else’s kid if they’re behaving in a way that’s not okay and the parent shows no sign of stepping in. In fact, it’s important that people are able to appropriately correct another parent’s child. And teachers have to do it, by definition. Once a child is out in the world experiencing other people, they need to experience other people’s boundaries also. I have a real problem with precious parents who expect other people to suck up their children’s bad behaviour. It’s bad for their children - as you can see from what’s happening now.

Original poster
ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:38

Dery · 06/04/2025 23:28

@ISthiswronggg Actually, you can tell off someone else’s kid if they’re behaving in a way that’s not okay and the parent shows no sign of stepping in. In fact, it’s important that people are able to appropriately correct another parent’s child. And teachers have to do it, by definition. Once a child is out in the world experiencing other people, they need to experience other people’s boundaries also. I have a real problem with precious parents who expect other people to suck up their children’s bad behaviour. It’s bad for their children - as you can see from what’s happening now.

Edited

It’s a very good point actually. But realistically what would you say? That’s so so awkward with their parents present

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 06/04/2025 23:44

DS had a child like this in his life aged 7/8. It was one of the reasons why we transferred him to prep.

AluckyEllie · 06/04/2025 23:48

Are they reciprocal in play dates or are the parents very keen as they are using you for childcare? I would knock it on the head, stop being available for meets or do brief ones at local playground etc.

Can you encourage other friendships, does your daughter do clubs etc? I did laugh at her telling you not to speak to your DD like that- the cheek on her 😂😂

FumingTRex · 07/04/2025 00:02

Sounds like a bit of an over reaction to me? Being moody is normal child behaviour. Taking things not acceptable, but many children try it. Being disrespectful to you not ok, but surely you just calmly tell her the rules of your house? Cut down on invites if you dont like her, but this wont be the last badly behaved child you come across.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 07/04/2025 00:33

I’m a parent of four and we are nearly out of the play date phase, but my personal take is that, as times go by, the behaviour and attitude of the parents is the single greatest indicator of whether the child is someone you want your own child spending time with.

Lookuptotheskies · 07/04/2025 00:39

I'd just be super super busy for a good long while. forever

I'd not make a thing of Lisa being a shitty influence directly, just be evasive when it comes to any out of school socialising.

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 00:39

I think you have to first explain to your child that Lisa regularly encourages her to be naughty and rude to you, her parents, in your house. People get to set boundaries around their life and we don’t let people who are rude to us into our house, nor people who tell you to be rude to them. See how that goes.

and if your daughter doesn’t improve you basically have to say to the parents that we are calling time on play dates as Lisa repeatedly is rude to us and encourages our Daughter to be too. We’ve tried many times gently saying that’s not how we talk to each other or parents, but we won’t just keep having that behaviour in our house. Maybe give them one chance to step up and parent?

Punzel · 07/04/2025 00:42

Just ghost on the play dates. I’d be gently/subtly encouraging other friendships
as well and probably gently sliding in some comments about Lisas behaviour to my DD.
Lisa may well come good thought in a few years so I would just be open to see what happens.

Enko · 07/04/2025 00:55

Dery · 06/04/2025 23:28

@ISthiswronggg Actually, you can tell off someone else’s kid if they’re behaving in a way that’s not okay and the parent shows no sign of stepping in. In fact, it’s important that people are able to appropriately correct another parent’s child. And teachers have to do it, by definition. Once a child is out in the world experiencing other people, they need to experience other people’s boundaries also. I have a real problem with precious parents who expect other people to suck up their children’s bad behaviour. It’s bad for their children - as you can see from what’s happening now.

Edited

100% agree with this and if any child tried to tell me how to speak to my child thet were firmly told to mind their own business. Dd1 had a friend like that who did not know when to stop. I cut it short told her very clearly. "In this house you do not talk to adults like that. If you wish to stay you stop right now or I can call your parent to take you home right away."

She stopped. Tried a few times after but learned quick there were rules in our house she didn't have. That's healthy for children to learn.

Enko · 07/04/2025 00:58

BTW I would add op if Lisa's parents asks why you are stopped the play dates I'd be honest but dress it up a litte

You have likely also noticed when the girls are together Their behaviour deteriorates I feel its best we give them some time apart to both mature and grow out of this phase.

If they go "oh no we haven't seen that" head tilt and "ohh right.. well I have" and leave it there.

aeon418 · 07/04/2025 01:55

ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:38

It’s a very good point actually. But realistically what would you say? That’s so so awkward with their parents present

Show quote history

“At this house we are respectful to. . .” whatever boundary you want to set. Rules, parents, furniture, ect.
If she doesn’t like it she can leave. No argument.

Franjipanl8r · 07/04/2025 02:51

I tell my kids that being rude to parents doesn’t get you invited back for more play dates and it goes both ways. They need to be polite at other friend’s houses and their friends need to be polite to me. I overheard my DD say to her sassy friend at a play date “you need to be nicer to my mum otherwise you won’t get invited again” 😂.

Set some standards and stick to them. I find “we don’t do that in our house” or similar works well for telling other kids off.

ThunderLeaf · 07/04/2025 02:58

ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:15

😂😂😂 It’s so hard not to say anything. You can’t tell off someone else’s kid.

Show quote history

You can still say something like, excuse me but in this house the adults make the rules, don't speak to me like that again.

If she persists, in this house children don't speak to adults like that, there will be no more playdates if you continue.

Then that's fine I'll call your mum to collect or OK time to go home, shoes on girls we need to drive Lisa home.

You can still deliver in a friendly but firm way. Your not telling her off, your letting her know rules of the house.

MustardGlass · 07/04/2025 03:02

I would set up play dates with other children. So your daughter isn’t just playing with this girl, my daughter had a friend that would tell every other person to go away as she was the only one allowed to talk to my daughter.

Frozensun · 07/04/2025 03:16

it is difficult, but just think - what message am I giving to my child if I don’t correct this. As far as I’m concerned, it’s zero tolerance.

The parents obviously don’t give a toss. Being disrespectful to you? ‘In our family, we don’t talk that way. It is not respectful.’. If out, ‘I think it’s time for us to go’. Yes, your child will be upset, but it’s an opportunity to talk to her about acceptable and respectful dialogue and that applies to friendship as well. In your house, ‘I think it’s time for you to go. Let’s get in the car.’ Reduce play dates. Yes, you can - and should - correct someone else’s child if they’re impacting on you and/or your child.

Either the kid will get the message - and adjust their behaviour around you and yours - or they won’t and low contact will continue. So what if the parents don’t like it? You need to model acceptable behaviour to your child, so that she will demand people treat her well as she matures.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2025 04:38

I think the last few messages have given you a way to approach it. I wouldn’t be organising loads of play dates with the girl. Increase them with others to create a wider circle of friends for your dd and see Lisa a lot less. Crowd her out rather than abruptly stopping things. If the above doesn’t work, then yes I would stop.

As for why Lisa was in a mood at your dd’s party, this will be because she wasn’t the centre of your dd’s attention. This is why it’s important to crowd her out. I would also just be noticing the behaviours with your dd to cause some reflection. It sounds as if Lisa is quite controlling.

My dd had a Lisa come into her life and take over things when she was 10. She wasn’t rude to me with her words but she was rude in other ways. The control was really subtle and took a while to see. I started to notice stuff wasn’t right when dd was 11 and encouraged friendships with other girls, which the girl didn’t like. The friendship eventually blew up through no fault of dd’s albeit the mother blamed dd.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 07/04/2025 04:46

ISthiswronggg · 06/04/2025 23:15

😂😂😂 It’s so hard not to say anything. You can’t tell off someone else’s kid.

Show quote history

Watch me.

No child would speak to me like that and get away with it. The instant she did I’d be telling her firmly that “you don’t speak to people like that Lisa.” And if she sulked over that I’d be sending her home.

The boyfriend stuff I’d be less concerned about tbh. At that age boyfriend is typically used to describe a boy who is a friend and maybe a favourite. There’s generally nothing to it, and it’s the adults who get the most stressed by it. My DS certainly had a “girlfriend” at that age but she was just a girl who he got on with and nothing more.