Friendships after Miscarriage

[CrazyAboutDogs]

I’ve recently had my 4th miscarriage and I reached out to my closest group of friends separately just to let them know as they had noticed I was very quiet and commented on it, so updated them on what had happened and that I was booked for surgery to have baby removed on xx day.

2 of them have been amazing, checking in every other day, not expecting a reply just a text see how I am doing and have sent a little something in the post.

2 of them have been non contact and I am so hurt by it, I had one reply on the day that I txt about what had happened (from one friend) nothing on day of surgery, and nothing at all from the other one (my partner txt her about it as it’s his sister) and she hasn’t even messaged me at all.

I know everyone is different but surely the silence is worse than anything? I know if it was the other way around I would have just sent some sort of message along the lines of … thinking of you today or sending a hug not even expecting a response but just to know I haven’t forgotten about them or I that I am pretending it didn’t happen.

I don’t want this to ruin my friendships but I think of them differently now and feel as time keeps going on it will just be so much time has passed they will pretend it’s never happened so it’s easier for them?

FYI it’s been nearly 2 weeks now.

Am I being unreasonable? Has anyone else been through this and how did you navigate it? Xx

Perhaps the other 2 don’t know what to say to you. Perhaps they are reliving their own experiences. No one knows. Focus on yourself

I completely understand it’s hard in knowing what to say but surely the silence is speaking for itself? I wouldn’t dream of leaving my friends in silence after something like this

Just a message to say thinking about you or i am here if you need me, I feel like my grief is an inconvenience and it’s making them clearly uncomfortable but where does that leave me going forward with these friendships will I always resent the silence they gave me when all I really needed was to know I was being thought of x

I’m so sorry, you must be feeling awful. It’s hard. It happened to me too: old friends, told them what had happened, nothing back.
just a kind word is enough, it really is. I hope they get over themselves.

I think this is a difficult but very common thing that happens when you experience grief. It sort of weeds out those of your friends who have experienced some sort of grief themselves, and those who haven’t. Many people haven’t and just don’t know what to say or how to be around it. It’s sad but not a reflection of you.

I had a friend who had a number of miscarriages and kept coming to me for support. I couldn’t engage, I was going through my own infertility struggles which I didn’t feel like I wanted to share, but I found her sharing and desire for support wrenching.

I get your need for support, but it’s an incredibly emotive thing to reach out for other people for and you don’t know the implications it may put on them

Firstly, people who haven't had a miscarriage (or at least haven't had children) maybe don't really get it unless they are a particularly empathetic soul. That's okay, unless you want all your friends to be empathetic mind-readers. You are perfectly reasonable to want this, but be aware it will limit your friend pool. It's fine to have a variety of friends with different attributes - fun/empathetic/serious/quiet/loud etc.

Secondly, you don't know what they are going through themselves, or have been through in the past. Even just being single when you don't want to be makes it harder to sympathise with other people's fertility struggles within a happy relationship. I'm not saying any of this is right, but it is understandable.

Maybe I’m just expecting the same as what I know I would do for all of my friends and I shouldn’t really. I just thought a quick message from them really wasn’t too much to expect but it is

The 2 friends who have reached out and keep checking in are going through shit times themselves, both with kids but going through a break up etc and still manage to text me

The ones who haven’t reached out at all are both friends with children (one is my SIL) who have had no problems conceiving and getting pregnant

Its a tough pill to swallow but thank you all for your replies it means a lot X

Im very sorry for your loss. I wouldn't be too upset with the friends, everyone is different and it doesn't mean they don't care. Some people like to reach out and tell others like yourself, but some people prefer to keep it to themselves and if they are that way, they might not think you are wanting to be messaged, they might be thinking that you need space.

But OP has reached out (or her DP in one case. It's very insensitive and frankly rude to ignore her.

How hard is "I'm so sorry to hear that. Thinking of you." ??

Im sorry, OP. It’s awful not to even acknowledge what you’re going through.

I agree. Just sending one message to acknowledge OP's or her DH's message and express some form of sympathy for what they are going through isn't difficult. I would find it hard to continue the relationship with them after this.

I am so sorry for all of your losses.
I hope you are doing OK. 🩵

I really hate when people start arguing on a sensitive thread, so I am hesitant to respond but I was just offering a different perspective. She said ", I had one reply on the day that I txt about what had happened (from one friend) nothing on day of surgery, and nothing at all from the other one "

So the one not replying at all was the sister in law who was messaged by the husband, (very odd that she didn't reply to her brother!) but the other friend did respond on the day, she just didn't follow up. And I totally don't want to come across as a crappy friend, but I personally wouldn't want people messaging me on the day of the surgery, because when I struggle I really hate having to update people and id rather be left alone, and I just thought that maybe, rather then being a crappy friend, she thought of op on the day, but didn't want to disturb her, rather than thinking that she's careless.

In any case, I am once again so sorry for your loss OP.

Id want to give you space. Perhaps that's wrong though from your post.

Id expect you would get in touch if you needed me as I wouldn't want to intrude on a difficult time

You need to allow for people responding differently to your news, though. Some people will think you want space to process and deal with things in your own way rather than frequent communication. For instance, my sister had a very traumatic miscarriage last autumn, and has appreciated me not ‘checking in’ frequently, as she says it makes her feel worse, as if people are well-meaning but poking a bruise.

I think you should tell people what you need from them, if there’s any doubt.

But OP has got in touch, and been ignored. Giving someone space is a long way from simply ignoring a message telling them what has happened.

To suggest that she needs to say, 'I've had a miscarriage, and I would like you to not ignore this message, please' is preposterous.

Except no one has suggested that. Some people will be desperately grief-stricken by a miscarriage, and view it as a bereavement . Some will view it as primarily a medical issue, not necessarily a hugely significant one. A lot will depend on the individual’s circumstances. I’ve certainly encountered a whole spectrum of responses. Tell other people what you need in any given circumstances. Two friends in the OP’s case hit upon a response that worked for her. As nothing the OP says suggests the other two are bad friends and neglectful, uncaring people, they are presumably either giving her space, under the impression that this is what she would prefer, or unable to think how to respond appropriately.

Why don't you text them and tell them what you need?

Sometimes people struggle so much in themselves they avoid, it might be hurtful but it isn't about you. It's about them being overwhelmed.

But I'm sure if you said. I'm struggling after and it would really help me if you could just text me a bit over the next few days, hearing from you keeps me grounded and feeling less alone. Good friends would try and help

I have once told a supposedly close friend that I would appreciate the support at least a random text to check in so as to feel thought of - she said yes of course and never heard from her again.
That is very cruel if you ask me. I have realized that in happy times friend are around, and if they need something from you, if it is in their interest- otherwise no.

Im so sorry you experienced that, the only positive for you is the trash took itself out.

Im merely coming from the perspective sometimes genuine friends dont know what to do so do nothing. And id always err on the side of thinking the best of them til proven otherwise

Sadly it seems you found out your friend, wasnt one. I hope youve made better ones since

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your perspective and kind of agree but not fully. It is hard to understand them because they are not children and I am sure they can find out how to support if they wanted to.
If there is a will there is a way and like OP says a simple text message doesn’t really take much time or effort and can mean the whole world to someone going through miscarriage. Anyways, luckily not all friends and same so good to stick to those that actually care.

Yes it is rude of them. Even if it brings up sad memories (and none of us know if someone has had a loss and kept it quiet), it wouldn’t be asking too much for a message to say thinking of you. Not really much of a friend if they can’t reach out at such a difficult time.

I know this is an old thread but I can't believe the way the voting went on this one.

I'd have been devastated if any of my friends had ghosted me when I was having recurrent miscarriages.

I’ve had many miscarriages. But that was before social media and WhatsApp etc. If I was going to tell anyone I would have to pick up the phone or see them, mainly. Which changed both my approach and their response. I actually only told a tiny number of people in the moment, mainly close family.

For me, I actually think WhatsApp is an awful medium for stuff like this. I know I get tied up in knots sometimes trying to work out the best way to respond - and you can bet if you get it wrong someone will start a MN thread about!

If it’s that serious and you want real support, speak in person.

Except that’s not what happened, which presumably the voting reflected. The OP told three people herself, and two of the three have responded with consistent care and concern. Her partner texted the other person about the miscarriage, because she was his sister, so it’s entirely possible the sister interpreted that as he OP not wanting to talk about it, and responded instead to her brother.

No thinks it’s ok to ignore friends who are suffering.