To tell DH this is how it’s going to be going forwards or it’s divorce

[towardsnoon]

I have been having a lot of problems with DH; sometimes thinks get a bit better temporarily then deteriorate again.

The main issue is that put simply, he sees weekends, holidays and other ‘free’ time as just that: free time. He will vanish for ages doing DIY or jobs in the garden, it will take most of the day as he will (eg) visit diy stores or garden centres or go to collect things he’s bought from Facebook or eBay, then actually do the job, and so on.

We have two very young children; four and one. I am definitely the main carer; even on weekends it’s me who is organising food, activities and so on, bur it’s incredibly hard work having the two together alone.

DH will often engineer things do he just has the four year old, who is through merit of his age a lot easier. But that leaves me with a toddler who like all children her age is prone to tantrums, can’t be reasoned with, can’t really entertain herself for any length of time, needs near constant supervision. This has been the case for the last few weekends, I’ve had them either solo or the one year old (and DH acts like it’s totally fair because he took the four year old to screwfix for a couple of hours) while he endlessly does his Jobs.

Today’s Jobs involved (apparently) getting the car cleaned, we have guests coming soon. DH took the four year old to football this morning while I took the one year old swimming. When I came back it was to a mess: clothes and breakfast things all out. He was gone three hours in total; football is 45 minutes so the rest of the time he’s been doing god knows what. The second I challenge him on it he just starts spluttering that he needs to do these things.

I am going to tell him that form now on I’ll take the kids out Saturday and he can take the Sunday. It’s that or I’m ending it: I’m absolutely sick to death of doing everything alone. Bear in mind I’m angry writing this and upset. So I know it’s aibu but please don’t be too horrible.

It doesn't sound like he really wants to be on a team with you or parent together so you'd be right to end it

If you're going to threaten someone with divorce, you have to mean it 100%.

Have you got all the practicalities sorted in your mind?

This is the key, I’m afraid. He just mentally books the time out and you have to do the same. Put it in a shared calendar, remind him, don’t ask him. Just act like what you’re doing is equally important. Because it is. “OP out Sun 10-3pm.” He’ll kick and scream a bit but will get the hang of it eventually.

Just stay calm and assertive, don’t let it become an argument. Reassure him it’s fine for him to do it as long as you get to do it too.

edit: just saw you are planning to divorce him otherwise! Bit extreme IMO, I’d try disappearing for one day per weekend first, see how you feel in a month or two.

I’ve said YANBU, but PP is right. Don’t threaten divorce if you don’t mean it. You’ll just look even weaker when you don’t follow through.
But, yes, he’s dodging his parental and other household responsibilities by filling his time with stuff HE wants to do. Serious chat needed.

It is extreme, I agree but honestly so many times I’ve tried to raise it and I just get shut down. Last night he asked me if it was OK if he did something. I said well honestly no, it’s not a great time. He just started arguing with me that he could only do it then. If I’m here he just does what he wants. I literally have to go somewhere and not be present for him not to do that.

Move straight to divorce. This will never change. 20 on myself and it’s the best decision I made. Just wish I’d done it sooner, mine were 18 and 11. Damage done.

If you really mean it then tell him.

Different viewpoint here, if I may put it forward:

I think this may be a life stage as you have two young children and it is very hard.

But who would do those gardening and outside and DIY jobs if he didn't?

Just a thought before you engineer a divorce and have to do everything else as well - it is much, much harder.

If this is a division of labour thing - find a way to make it easier for you eg outsourcing, scheduling.

Others will come and advise who are in nuclear families and have experienced similar. Best Wishes.

If you've got to go out to force a fairer share, then that's what you're going to have to do. Have you got any hobbies or interests?

I play music and sing, and go to exercise classes, but didn't give them up when I had DC (did less of course).

When she was about 6 I calculated I "owed" DH about a fortnight and sent him off on a mountain biking holiday!

@alwayslearning789 to be honest I don’t care, it’s a bit like ‘who would do the laundry and look after the children and get them to nursery and cook the dinners?’

I have to do those things with the children around.

Anyway I’ve just tried to talk to him and he told me his jobs were important and walked off so that’s it I think.

Sympathies OP my husband also takes our 4 yo to screw fix or washes the car with him and leaves me with 1 yo and all the cleaning and cooking and then expects me to say thank you to him!!!!!!!
he washes the car every single fucking weekend. Now it’s lawn mowing season too

Make a list of Jobs for next weekend. Tell him which ones you and 4-year-old will be doing while he takes 1 year old. There might be some Jobs you can't do (eg. for me, anything involving a step ladder). Be very clear - the Important Jobs are still going to get done, but some things the 4 of you will be doing together, some things you'll swap round - eg "my turn to do football this weekend!".

And schedule the odd weekend day for you to be Out.

If anything, make sure that whatever house chores are to be done when the kids are not around get done by him on the day he does not have them.

There was a similar poster a few weeks ago; similar issues :

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5301551-leaving-dh-to-get-a-break-or-stick-it-out-going-a-bit-mad?page=11&reply=143155229

Honestly Op, if you are done, you’re done.

Just make sure you have all the ducks in a row - finances, housing etc, before you pull the trigger. Protect yourself and your DC.

But , angry as you are, please think it through first.

Have you ever suggested counseling? I don't think it's unreasonable to divorce a man who is so uncaring and selfish but maybe exhaust every option first.

Talking doesn't help the situation: you have said things get better for a while then deteriorate again, or he just argues with you then does what he wants anyway.

So you either move straight to divorce, or you take action.
Actions could be:

a. An ultimatum to arrange counselling - he has to arrange it, within a fixed deadline - or you go straight to divorce.

b. Declaring that every alternative Saturday or Sunday (one day each weekend, alternating Sat and Sun) are your childfree time, or your time with 4-yr old but not toddler. Then following through: you get up early and leave the house before him, either with or without 4-yr old, and don't come back for at least 5 hours. Have lunch out, or make a packed lunch the evening before.
Eventually, he will get used to the new regime so you don't always have to stay out over lunch, and don't always have to race to get out of the house before him.

c. When he says he is going to clean the car or mow the lawn or whatever, say "No I'll do that, you do the laundry and mind the children". If he argues, argue back and don't give way, then actually pick up the car keys or get the lawnmower out and follow through.
If it is DIY stuff that you can't actually do, this won't work.

I only voted YABU because it wasn’t clear how much you had tried to work on this already. If you’ve had conversations about it many times and he refuses to budge then it’s a bigger issue which also includes how much respect and care he is showing you.

I’m sorry OP. It’s hard when you feel uncared for and put upon like that. The only thing I’d say tho is that having young kids is so hard and I’m not sure it brings out the best in many of us. I hope there is a less drastic way to improve things for you both x

This pisses me off too sometimes because everything they seem to need to do takes half a day and so much faffing.

Maybe try the schedule thing for another month and tell him if things dont change then its divorce. Ie next sat everything child and house related is his.

I dont understand where all this DIY comes from, is it all for your house or other people? Are you renovating or something, if not hes taking the piss

Sorry OP, he sounds horribly unsupportive and disinterested in lessening your load.

If you do manage to get a day to yourself I suspect you'd end up coming home to the house a bomb site and the kids up a height due to being left with their feckless father all day. Hardly the relief you're looking for.

Can you take yourself off for the rest of the day today to get some space and see how he does with your usual responsibilities?

@towardsnoon I was married to a selfish twat like this and ended it a couple of years ago ago when my kids were aged 4.5 and 8. I work full time in a very senior job, have the kids 12 days out of 14 and manage all the Jobs that were apparently soooo hard and sooooo much work and necessitated endless trips to the hardware shop and garden centre (so he could avoid the mundane shit that actually needed to be done like buying children new shoes or going to the supermarket or spending time with his wife and kids).

I get every second weekend off while he does 48 hours of parenting. This weekend I slept in until 10am.

If you can afford to, I highly recommend it.

Bored, bored, bored - the endless regurgitation of virtually the same scenarios. Its endemic on MN now - anyone would thing it was automated.......

Then get a hobby you sad twat

Anyway I’ve just tried to talk to him and he told me his jobs were important and walked off so that’s it I think

stop multitasking, either look after the children or cook, clean etc

Your jobs are also important otherwise he doesn't eat, have clean clothing etc

Yet his expectation is you multi taks

You have choices, but you need to be prepared to follow them through.

Accept this is your life so vent your frustration elsewhere such as an exercise class.
Ask for marriage counselling and hope he says yes (and it works).
Get the MN ducks in a row and start divorce.

As someone who spent 30 odd years trying to get their H to understand that his free time was at the expense of mine and failing - don't be me, leave now.

So do just that then, OP. Be out and its over to him to do childcare, cooking and housework for a change. Don't ask.