To tell DH this is how it’s going to be going forwards or it’s divorce

[towardsnoon]

I have been having a lot of problems with DH; sometimes thinks get a bit better temporarily then deteriorate again.

The main issue is that put simply, he sees weekends, holidays and other ‘free’ time as just that: free time. He will vanish for ages doing DIY or jobs in the garden, it will take most of the day as he will (eg) visit diy stores or garden centres or go to collect things he’s bought from Facebook or eBay, then actually do the job, and so on.

We have two very young children; four and one. I am definitely the main carer; even on weekends it’s me who is organising food, activities and so on, bur it’s incredibly hard work having the two together alone.

DH will often engineer things do he just has the four year old, who is through merit of his age a lot easier. But that leaves me with a toddler who like all children her age is prone to tantrums, can’t be reasoned with, can’t really entertain herself for any length of time, needs near constant supervision. This has been the case for the last few weekends, I’ve had them either solo or the one year old (and DH acts like it’s totally fair because he took the four year old to screwfix for a couple of hours) while he endlessly does his Jobs.

Today’s Jobs involved (apparently) getting the car cleaned, we have guests coming soon. DH took the four year old to football this morning while I took the one year old swimming. When I came back it was to a mess: clothes and breakfast things all out. He was gone three hours in total; football is 45 minutes so the rest of the time he’s been doing god knows what. The second I challenge him on it he just starts spluttering that he needs to do these things.

I am going to tell him that form now on I’ll take the kids out Saturday and he can take the Sunday. It’s that or I’m ending it: I’m absolutely sick to death of doing everything alone. Bear in mind I’m angry writing this and upset. So I know it’s aibu but please don’t be too horrible.

He sees his man jobs as important and childcare as not important - that can be very ingrained from his own parenting. Proper marriage guidance therapy might help and would be cheaper than divorce

Have you posted about this before? Seems very similar to a previous post.

Just get up before him, get yourself ready and go for a while. He'll soon learn!

Its scary how many OPs with the same problems (there was a virtually identical one last week) have accepted that they do everything. It must be how girls are socialised to think that everything domestic is entirely down to them, they must accommodate male whims about "hobbies" and sport and "interests", even while they themselves are run ragged, exhausted or even ill, and accept being treated like unpaid domestic staff. So sad, if only girls could grow up to feel assertive about having a fair deal in their partnerships, and lay a sound groundwork before having DC, which is when men often seem to change expectations.

I don't think yabu at all. I personally couldn't live like that. We get one day 'off' each at the weekend and everyone knows where they stand, same with weekday evenings (split equally).

In your shoes I would probably say that unless he was prepared to instigate a similar approach (equal time off), I would not see a future in the marriage. Resentment will kill any loving feelings you ever had for the man, and probably has already.

Just another generic worthless misogynist, openly treating his wife with contempt.
Men like this don't like women and don't want kids, but enjoy having a domestic appliance and unprotected sex, so tolerate marriage as it benefits them.

Your kids will grow up seeing that misogyny is unacceptable and the man can be one of those losers who is a mere visitor in the kids lives. Enjoy life free of him.

You seem stuck in a 1950s marriage and not a partnership of equals. It is hard and exhausting when the DC are so young and you're juggling everything, but it should be both of you juggling, not just you. It seems like he cant cope with both DC? Does he take both DC out on his own? If not, why not?

Time to talk because it sounds like you're exhausted and at the end of your tether and continuing this way on your own sounds unsustainable long term. He can outsource car washing (my DC loved sitting in the car in the drivethru car wash) and mowing, or job swap with you - and not just stick them in front of the tv whilst he looks at his phone! Our local pool is full of dads on swim duty on sunday mornings. DC come back clean, worn out and ready for lunch and a nap.

I would book a hotel away for myself and leave Friday night and come back Monday evening, give him a taste of what he has been doing to you and then tell him it's marriage counselling or divorce.

Can’t you do some things as a family at the weekend? All go swimming together, for example? And then maybe have alternate Sunday mornings or afternoons where you each get a bit of time alone? Maybe cut down on activities for the kids too - having some family time is imo more important than swimming lessons for tinies.

Good for you OP. As the saying goes "if he wanted to, he would". If he wanted to be a parent, a proper one - he absolutely would. He doesn't. His behaviour is that of a man who doesn't want to be a family man and actually do his share.

Once you're rid it will be a huge weight off your shoulders as he no doubt adds to the work, plus you won't have this (quite rightly), seething resentment of living with a selfish twat.

Get the ball rolling, and start looking forward to a brighter, easier future down the road.

What would marriage counselling do?

Counsellor: stop being a useless misogynist.

Man: Weh. But no.