He wants a divorce but still wants to know where I am

[RoloMom]

Hi,
I've previously posted on here looking for advise entitled 'Struggles in a blended family'. Been living in a very unhealthy situation for a while as that post details and he's now asked me for a divorce. He owns the house (he makes this very clear to me and my two boys) and that we will be the ones to leave it. His income is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than mine, and the advise I have been given is to stay in the house until everything is finalised. He presented me with a draft separation agreement which basically proposes that I leave the marriage in debt (as he suggests I pay back my college fees). However, while he says all of the above he is also now expecting that we continue to live together and continue to spend time altogether, while at thesame time saying he will have no contact with my children once everything is finalised. He is now asking where I am and when ill be home, and if I don't give the information fast enough, he threatens to tell his son about the divorce. This has followed months of him threatening to divorce me if I didn't do what he wanted when he wanted. I'm left feeling pretty miserable. I've been advised to stay in the house. However if this is my life, living alongside somebody who wants to divorce me, but wants to know all my whereabouts and thinks it's a realistic expectation for everybody to still spend time together as if nothing is wrong I don't know how healthy that is firstly for my children and secondly how my already battered self worth will hold up. Does anybody have any insight/advise/experience they can share with me please?

Do you have anywhere else at all to go? Even if it's for a short time? You parents? A siblings? Any family?

You need to get away from this fucking prick asap.

Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. Tell his son and anybody else who isn’t aware and needs to know. Stop giving him any leverage over you.

Call his bluff. Tell him he’s free to tell his son about the divorce. And then when he doesn’t, do it yourself.

And then find somewhere else to live.

As for him saying what you will and won’t be left with, tell him it’s up to the courts to decide that.

Oh and I’d be telling him that while he owned the house previously, given you’re married it’s now a marital asset, so you’ll be having your share of the equity ta very much.

Then take the fucker to the cleaners.

Do you have an excellent solicitor? If you don't, you need one.

Who is the son he is threatening to tell about the divorce? How is this a threat?

What he's engaging in is coercive control. It is a crime. I recommend you consider reporting him to police. Your solicitor (you should have one) certainly needs to know about his use of threats to force you to comply with his demands wrt the relationship.

Do you feel unsafe? Do you think he is capable of violence? He sounds rather irrational, tbf, and I would be concerned that he has completely devalued you and thinks he can get away with any level of bullying or intimidation.

Don't do anything about the college loans. Pay the minimum monthly bill.
Tell stbxh that you will be civil toward him and expect the same of him while you are under the same roof.

You should call Women's Aid for support and advice:
0808 2000 247
Leave a message with your number and a good time for them to call you back, when you can talk openly.

What an absolute dickhead. Get out the house if you can,make sure people know you're getting divorced so it's not a secret to hold over you, and get a good lawyer. If you can't afford a good lawyer,get a mediocre one, just make sure there's someone who can take the heat away from you so you can live your life as free as possible from this cockwomble

Please look at your rights.

If you’re married, then there’s no such thing as “his” assets, irrespective of whether it’s just him on the deeds. The house would be a marital asset that would be split on divorce.

And why does he want to still spend time with you if you’re divorced? Is he still wanting to use you for sex? This is incredibly messed up… You need a divorce alright… and so what if he tells his son, as his son would need to know anyway!

The marriage contract that you both agreed to was not a pretty piece of paper declaring romantic love. It was a commitment to tie you together financially and share your financial futures. He has turned out to be an utter arsehole and you have (sensibly) agreed to end the contract but the financial commitment stands - that you split with equal assets, neither of you richer than the other, with equal opportunities to rebuild.

Call his bluff, why shouldn't the children know? Stay put in the house. He will do everything he can to hide non-realestate assets but it's a lot more difficult to hide a house.

Four words. Get a lawyer, now.

Your son will find out at some point. Get a good lawyer. Just because he wants some thing doesn’t mean he would get it.

He sounds utterly toxic op. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do you have a solicitor? If you don't and you don't know where to turn then citizens advice have a panel of solicitors that will give you a free 30 mins (and if you like them you can hire them). They tend to be really good (I've used that route for a work related issue and they were brilliant).

Don't leave the house - whether your name is on the deeds or not - I'm quite sure you're entitled to part of it and frankly from what I've read....... like another poster has written...... take him to the fucking cleaners.

Just because you're rich doesn't give you the right to treat other people like shit. He seems like a bully (mentally).

Well now he's going to find out. Op - be strong, we've got your back so to speak. You're not alone in this. Keep your head up - this won't last forever. Your aim should be to get what is rightfully yours and then be free of him. Use the courts.

Well who cares if he tells his son you’re getting divorced, you are getting divorced?

Oh OP this sounds so tough! Are you on the UK?

This. Why don’t you want his son to know?

And do not tell him anything. Do not cook for him, do not wash his clothes, nothimg.

Get it out in the open. Remove his perceived bargaining chip. Don't leave the marital home. Do not sign anything and get a decent lawyer. Get help from Women's Aid and https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ if he is abusing you.

It will get rough, find your resilience and focus on the future. You can and will get through this.

Take away the stick he's beating you with, tell his son.

And start divorce proceedings. Don't sign a single piece of paper he hands you without having your solicitor look at it first. And certainly don't agree to leave the marriage in debt.

How is him saying that he will tell his son that you are getting divorced a threat? Why does he think that you would care if his son knows?

You need proper legal advice right now. He sounds controlling and abusive and as you are married you definitely have some rights.

On’t accept any separation agreement without getting a lawyer on board. Of course he will try and give you as little as possible so don’t agree to anything!

live in the house but make it clear that you are divorcing so he has no rights over you, where you go or times.

So what if he tells his son, he’s going to know sooner or later, same as your kids.

Hi OP,

I've just looked at your previous thread to try to understand your other issues.

It sounds like a horrendous situation. You were given some advice there about stopping doing everything for him - cooking, making lunches, buying groceries (that his ex was also eating). I hope you've taken some of that advice as he's just using you.

You were also given the contact for Women's Aid in Ireland where you're based. Did you ever get in contact with them? They can be a big help.

I would suggest getting some legal advice on your situation. You're married so will have some rights, including a share of any equity gained on the house. How long have you been married?

And put a restriction on the house with the land registry on the grounds of co-habitation, do that ASAP.

Where are you? Uk?

@SparklyGlitterballs you didn’t need to tell everyone where she lives, carried over from another thread.

OP has already shared this information. It also helps other posters to signpost her to the correct resources based on where she lives. I’m not seeing your issue with this?

Thanks for all your advise. It is appreciated. I did speak to womens aid and they said it sounded like emotional and financial abuse and to get legal advise which I have.
The issue, as I understand it doesn't have full context, with him telling his son is two fold - one of the major causes for contention in our relationship has been the presence of his ex (his sons mother) in our relationship. She texts him constantly, asks for advise on everything in her life, and it's an open book type of arrangement, so whether it's 6am, 11pm, or we are away on holidays together, he will deal with her issues, and has refused to listen to me telling him it's upsetting and I don't feel like the priority. They also have had dinners together once a week every week, which has been a massive strain on our marriage (another thing he has refused to agree has caused an issue- tells me I have a mental issue and am riddled with insecurities). They also work together and she comes to him with all work issues on top of everything else. So there are literally no boundaries.
So my issue with his son knowing is that means she immediately knows and I'm sure this opens another dialogue between them and I shouldn't care but I'm sure their contact with increase. Yes that is upsetting and degrading tbh. My other issue is that his son may tell my two boys, and I have not yet figured out the best way to deal with this, with regards discussing and explaining this to them, in order to minimise damage. So it puts him more in control of the narrative again, by telling his son what he wants for example -becasue X has mental issues, and this would then be told to my children. So it is a concern.

Tell everyone yourself as soon as possible, remove his power. Start th divorce proceedings yourself too. Don't allow him any control.

I appreciate it’s hard but you really really need to see that you are putting him in control by being passive and hesitant.

With regard to telling his son and this So it puts him more in control of the narrative again…

You are giving him that control. You really need to get in front of the narrative rather than letting him own it.