He wants a divorce but still wants to know where I am

[RoloMom]

Hi,
I've previously posted on here looking for advise entitled 'Struggles in a blended family'. Been living in a very unhealthy situation for a while as that post details and he's now asked me for a divorce. He owns the house (he makes this very clear to me and my two boys) and that we will be the ones to leave it. His income is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than mine, and the advise I have been given is to stay in the house until everything is finalised. He presented me with a draft separation agreement which basically proposes that I leave the marriage in debt (as he suggests I pay back my college fees). However, while he says all of the above he is also now expecting that we continue to live together and continue to spend time altogether, while at thesame time saying he will have no contact with my children once everything is finalised. He is now asking where I am and when ill be home, and if I don't give the information fast enough, he threatens to tell his son about the divorce. This has followed months of him threatening to divorce me if I didn't do what he wanted when he wanted. I'm left feeling pretty miserable. I've been advised to stay in the house. However if this is my life, living alongside somebody who wants to divorce me, but wants to know all my whereabouts and thinks it's a realistic expectation for everybody to still spend time together as if nothing is wrong I don't know how healthy that is firstly for my children and secondly how my already battered self worth will hold up. Does anybody have any insight/advise/experience they can share with me please?

Hi, OP -

This is awful. But part of the problem is that you are giving away your power.

There is no shame in a divorce, particularly from a guy like this. Who cares what his rx thinks? She will soon be out of your life forever. Anyone she gossips to about you is likely to recognise her bitterness and steer clear.

You do need to control the narrative for your DC. Children are sponges and they see how the guy treats you. You can figure out a good way to do this. Much better for your DC to grow up with a strong single mum than observing from this guy how to treat women.

You need expert legal advice - do you have that? Leaving the home shouldn’t compromise your rights but I don’t know what happens in Ireland in the real world. Gently, it sounds like some help with telling getting past the sense of shame, how to tell your DC, and any need to win vs the ex and focus on your future might be very helpful.

You have a lot to cope with. Very best wishes

he has probably already told his ex so I wouldn’t give that a second thought going forward.

The ex will already know. You need to tell your sons ASAP so he can’t control you or the narrative.

Then get a shit hot lawyer and divorce him.

The ex will already know. You need to tell your sons ASAP so he can’t control you or the narrative.

Then get a shit hot lawyer and divorce him.

Hi,
Thank you to all who previously commented. Im still stuck with this person and desperately want out. Can anybody advise me of the wisest first moves?
He has spent his time (successfully) the last few months telling people that I am totally the problem, that I am abusive!!! Regardless of the issue, the probelm is me. I cannot listen to this anymore. I cannot be the 'horrible wife and stepmother' anymore. Hes now attacking my own parenting of my owm two boys (while he is not directly involved in their parenting)- passing judgement on if my punishments are too lenient , too strict, etc, while I cant say a word to his own son , becasue he will tell his mother, who tells his father who will give out to me for saying anything to his son. Meanwhile, Ive obviously pulled back on saying anything to his son, because god forbid i look at him sideways, and now im told i ignore him. Its a slow torture. Can anybody relate and can advise me?

Sorry if I've missed this:

• How long have you been married?
• Do you have any children with him?
• How have the mortgage/bills been split since marriage?
• Is the house in his name or joint names?
• Have you been working throughout marriage or a SAHP / housewife?

You are giving him too much power by caring what others including the ex and the son thinks. You need to take control yourself as others said earlier. Get legal advice and make a plan to leave. Are you financially independent? I would not stay in the house any longer.

tell your sons asap. I think you’re not telling them because you secretly hope it can be salvaged. It can’t. Or rather, if it were, it would be hugely damaging to your sons in the long run to live with this bully. It’s already damaging them - you can sacrifice your own happiness, but it would be atrocious to sacrifice theirs any further.

then do what everyone has said. Move out, back home with parents if necessary for a while. Get a good lawyer. Ignore whatever he says the split will be - you will get more. Start your happier life. Make sure you get therapy so you don’t do this all over again.

A draft of a separation agreement? From him? I hope you laughed long and hard. Tear it up and do EVERYTHING through your lawyer - make sure you get what you're entitled to. Don't discuss it with him. Get proof of assets and income etc and only do as the lawyer advises. In the meantime, don't let him dictate how you spend your time, and ignore his threats - he is obviously free to tell his son what he wants. He thinks he can stop you getting what you're owed (for your DC, not just yourself) with this nonsense - prove him wrong.